Never Ending Story [Archive]

reeltrouble1

07-07-2005, 09:33 AM

When your feeling it or just bored please feel free to add on. lets see where this goes if anywhere, pics are cool if appropriate.

How did they know? Everything was going along like usual, a rather ordinary day. Till that knock, I had heard the footsteps coming up the stairs to the door. Those stairs, all sixteen of them were getting on and needed some repair but still, those footfalls sounded different, heavy, the old boards creaked under the weight of each step.

Then the knock, not a banging or tapping, but more of a thud, three times, then three more, solid raps, no nonsense, that was the tip off, or at least why the nerves raced up my back and the hair on my arms stood with attention.

Each step toward the door brought them closer but there was no escaping, that knocking almost pulled me forward on its own, till I stood there, only the inches of wood between us. Looking down at the brass lever handle, when depressed it would throw back the bolt, I reached forward, my fingers only just touching, sucked in a breath of hot air, pushed the lever down, the door swung open and there..................

OK------------Your Turn:D

TroyD

07-07-2005, 09:45 AM

Ted, you been into the liquor again??

BDT

reeltrouble1

07-07-2005, 09:48 AM

You mean RANDOM THOUGHTS!! Well it is getting time for Polkfest, but no, I participated in a thread like this in a fishing forum, we had alot of fun with it.

PolkThug

07-07-2005, 10:04 AM

Originally posted by reeltrouble1
...pushed the lever down, the door swung open and there..................

...were two Girl Scouts at the door, but they weren't ordinary Girl Scouts, and they weren't selling cookies...

SCompRacer

07-07-2005, 11:11 AM

Originally posted by PolkThug
...were two Girl Scouts at the door, but they weren't ordinary Girl Scouts, and they weren't selling cookies...

There was an awkward silence as we gazed at one another. The girls were average looking, but meticulously groomed. They were both brunettes, and looked like they could be sisters. Their piercing eyes and firm stance exuded a confidence that made me uncomfortable. The joy I had from setting up my new surround system receded as I wondered what they could possibly want from me. Then……

Mike682

07-07-2005, 11:17 AM

Originally posted by reeltrouble1
Looking down at the brass lever handle, when depressed it would throw back the bolt, I reached forward, my fingers only just touching, sucked in a breath of hot air, pushed the lever down, the door swung open and there..................

Were four new LSi25's on the porch. Standing next to them was Matt Polk holding a congratulations sign with a few other polkies. Turns out, Polk had a secret contest and I was the grand prize winner that included the 4 LSi's and $5k spending cash........

who's next??

reeltrouble1

07-07-2005, 11:39 AM

Of course there were the obligatory forms to sign, some mumbo jumbo tax looking things, then Matt asked if I wanted to go scuba diving with him..................................

Mjr7531

07-07-2005, 11:54 AM

Originally posted by reeltrouble1
Of course there were the obligatory forms to sign, some mumbo jumbo tax looking things, then Matt asked if I wanted to go scuba diving with him..................................

But upon the mention of "scuba diving" I had a flash-back to the time of my great-scuba diving accident which...

reeltrouble1

07-07-2005, 12:04 PM

I fell out of the boat which left me behind, I was rescued by two guys and a girl one of whom looked like a girl scout. Matt then asked me if I had any pictures of some guy he had heard of called Russmer, or Russmon, or Russman.................................

Polkersince85

07-07-2005, 12:09 PM

........Said he had found a case of a&&less chaps for the Russ??? guy. Heard he was looking for some.

shack

07-07-2005, 12:20 PM

Mysteriously, Micah Cohen shows up out of nowhere, stirs everything up and then disappears back into obscurity....

reeltrouble1

07-07-2005, 03:18 PM

I think am I dreaming this, wake up wake up.

gmorris

07-07-2005, 05:15 PM

Originally posted by SCompRacer
There was an awkward silence as we gazed at one another. The girls were average looking, but meticulously groomed. They were both brunettes, and looked like they could be sisters. Their piercing eyes and firm stance exuded a confidence that made me uncomfortable. The joy I had from setting up my new surround system receded as I wondered what they could possibly want from me. Then……

the girl scouts asked me if I'd like to have my picture taken with the two girls who just TeePeed my house and wrote "Bald Asshole" and my garage door with yellow spray paint. I said "Sure, why not, it's only 4:30 AM, and I don't have to start cleaning the chimney until noon". The scouts looked on in amazement as I scratched myself with the 3'rd hand growing out of my right shoulder.......

swerve

07-07-2005, 05:46 PM

Originally posted by shack
Mysteriously, Micah Cohen shows up out of nowhere, stirs everything up and then disappears back into obscurity.... after he disappears all of the HT Polkies' gear ends up missing and Micah is no where to be found....

SCompRacer

07-07-2005, 06:48 PM

Originally posted by gmorris
the girl scouts asked me if I'd like to have my picture taken with the two girls who just TeePeed my house and wrote "Bald Asshole" and my garage door with yellow spray paint. I said "Sure, why not, it's only 4:30 AM, and I don't have to start cleaning the chimney until noon". The scouts looked on in amazement as I scratched myself with the 3'rd hand growing out of my right shoulder.......

The scouts called out to the other girls that everything was OK as we made our way down the 16 steps to critique their work. I noticed they had used a quality two ply toilet paper with an interweave pattern across the branches and a good brand of spray paint on the door. Obviously, they came from good homes.

I asked if they perhaps had the wrong house, as I removed my hat to show them my dreadlocks. They declined the offer to see that I didn’t shave around the nether region so the statement on the garage door did not apply there either.

Gasping in amazement, they realized their error but asked for the group picture anyway. As we posed for the picture, I could feel the girls staring at my third hand. Finally, one got the nerve up to ask……

aaharvel

07-07-2005, 08:42 PM

Originally posted by shack
Mysteriously, Micah Cohen shows up out of nowhere, stirs everything up and then disappears back into obscurity....

LOL

reeltrouble1

07-07-2005, 08:45 PM

As you are wise and not bald, do you know anywhere we can get our SDA groove on??????:cool:

gmorris

07-08-2005, 08:55 AM

Originally posted by SCompRacer
The scouts called out to the other girls that everything was OK as we made our way down the 16 steps to critique their work. I noticed they had used a quality two ply toilet paper with an interweave pattern across the branches and a good brand of spray paint on the door. Obviously, they came from good homes.

I asked if they perhaps had the wrong house, as I removed my hat to show them my dreadlocks. They declined the offer to see that I didn’t shave around the nether region so the statement on the garage door did not apply there either.

Gasping in amazement, they realized their error but asked for the group picture anyway. As we posed for the picture, I could feel the girls staring at my third hand. Finally, one got the nerve up to ask……

...if I had much success hitch hiking, having 3 thumbs and all. I replied that I did not have much success "thumbin' it", as my riding lawn mower rarely runs out of gas. The scouts mother then began honking from the, what else, Minivan. They politely said "Spank you very much" and skipped off to their mother who was talking on her cell phone. Upon entering the Minivan, I noticed they buckled in and put on bicycle helmets. I found this rather amusing. On my way back up the steps to the house, I picked up the paper, and on the front page, the head line read...........

SCompRacer

07-08-2005, 09:59 AM

Originally posted by gmorris
...if I had much success hitch hiking, having 3 thumbs and all. I replied that I did not have much success "thumbin' it", as my riding lawn mower rarely runs out of gas. The scouts mother then began honking from the, what else, Minivan. They politely said "Spank you very much" and skipped off to their mother who was talking on her cell phone. Upon entering the Minivan, I noticed they buckled in and put on bicycle helmets. I found this rather amusing. On my way back up the steps to the house, I picked up the paper, and on the front page, the head line read...........

"ASSWIPE SHORTAGE DUE TO ROGUE SCOUTS" with a picture of City Hall covered in toilet paper. The story described the shortage of toilet paper on store shelves, and the subsequent hoarding and price gouging taking place. Corncob sales were up as a result, creating another shortage to contend with. It went on to say rationing for both was inevitable, so I went back down the steps and carefully rolled up what I could for my own use, or to sell on eBay, and planted a few rows of corn.

I returned to the house, using my third hand to scratch my head. My thoughts returned to the girls in the minivan, and the mother on the cell phone. I wondered why they donned bicycle helmets, and whom the mother was talking to. Of all the possible explanations….

gmorris

07-08-2005, 10:18 AM

Originally posted by SCompRacer
"ASSWIPE SHORTAGE DUE TO ROGUE SCOUTS" with a picture of City Hall covered in toilet paper. The story described the shortage of toilet paper on store shelves, and the subsequent hoarding and price gouging taking place. Corncob sales were up as a result, creating another shortage to contend with. It went on to say rationing for both was inevitable, so I went back down the steps and carefully rolled up what I could for my own use, or to sell on eBay, and planted a few rows of corn.

I returned to the house, using my third hand to scratch my head. My thoughts returned to the girls in the minivan, and the mother on the cell phone. I wondered why they donned bicycle helmets, and whom the mother was talking to. Of all the possible explanations….

....I could think of, the one that made the most sense was the mother acted like a ganster rap artist, and her hydraulics made the minivan bounce up and down, to and fro, causing the rogue Asswipe flinging scouts to bonk their heads into the roof. As the hopping van bounced away, I do recall hearing an unneccessary amount of bass and treble, but strangely no midrange, eminating from the van. What a stange morning it was turning out to be, and it was only 6:45. Oh well, back inside to have my fried egg yokes and prune juice, then take a bath in a tub full of maple syrup. As I'm sitting there enjoying my fried egg yokes.....

SCompRacer

07-08-2005, 10:45 AM

Originally posted by gmorris
....I could think of, the one that made the most sense was the mother acted like a ganster rap artist, and her hydraulics made the minivan bounce up and down, to and fro, causing the rogue Asswipe flinging scouts to bonk their heads into the roof. As the hopping van bounced away, I do recall hearing an unneccessary amount of bass and treble, but strangely no midrange, eminating from the van. What a stange morning it was turning out to be, and it was only 6:45. Oh well, back inside to have my fried egg yokes and prune juice, then take a bath in a tub full of maple syrup. As I'm sitting there enjoying my fried egg yokes.....

...reminiscing of another time, a happier time, before my accident with the fuel rods over at the power station. I recalled my carefree hooptie days, three wheeling with my low rider friends in our club Too Low Flo, listening to Sir Mix A Lot tapes. My smile vanished with the memory of that happy time, or was it really my time, as I heard someone trudging up the steps to my house. These were not ordinary foot steps, no, they were official sounding. My fried eggs would grow cold and my maple syrup bath would have to wait as I answered the door yet again to find…..

gmorris

07-08-2005, 11:14 AM

Originally posted by SCompRacer
...reminiscing of another time, a happier time, before my accident with the fuel rods over at the power station. I recalled my carefree hooptie days, three wheeling with my low rider friends in our club Too Low Flo, listening to Sir Mix A Lot tapes. My smile vanished with the memory of that happy time, or was it really my time, as I heard someone trudging up the steps to my house. These were not ordinary foot steps, no, they were official sounding. My fried eggs would grow cold and my maple syrup bath would have to wait as I answered the door yet again to find…..

.....that fat bastard Ed McMahon and Carrot Top holding a 4 foot long check made out to me, Richard Weed, complete with helium balloons and a TV camera crew. Mr. Top began smiling at me with those evil, over applied makeup painted eyes. This freaked me out, so I punched him square in the face. He launched into something about a collect call as he scurried away. Fat Ed then said I was the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. I said no thanks, I'm not a writer, and I have nothing to publish. Fat Ed looked a bit perplexed, and mumbled "I did not know that" as he walked away. I invited the TV camera crew inside for fried egg yokes and prune juice. They happily accepted, as they could not stand the smell of Mr. Tops carrot scented after shave any longer. Once we all made our way inside the house and were all seated in the dining room......

SCompRacer

07-08-2005, 01:56 PM

Originally posted by gmorris
.....that fat bastard Ed McMahon and Carrot Top holding a 4 foot long check made out to me, Richard Weed, complete with helium balloons and a TV camera crew. Mr. Top began smiling at me with those evil, over applied makeup painted eyes. This freaked me out, so I punched him square in the face. He launched into something about a collect call as he scurried away. Fat Ed then said I was the winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. I said no thanks, I'm not a writer, and I have nothing to publish. Fat Ed looked a bit perplexed, and mumbled "I did not know that" as he walked away. I invited the TV camera crew inside for fried egg yokes and prune juice. They happily accepted, as they could not stand the smell of Mr. Tops carrot scented after shave any longer. Once we all made our way inside the house and were all seated in the dining room......

......we heard pounding on the door again. I opened it to find a U.S. Department of Agriculture representative with a brief case. He said I was in violation of USDA Regulation 5.34.2018.456.789.456. He reminded me of the farm subsidy money I received. Real time satellite photos had alerted them to the corn I had planted, which violated that agreement.

Wheat, barley, oats, hay or soybeans would have been OK, but not corn. It didn’t matter to him TP was getting scarce as hens teeth and soybeans or wheat are not good replacements for cob’s. About that time, I had bigger problems starting inside with the film crew. I could hear my amp start to clip, so I had to get in there fast. So I gave the USDA rep what Mr. Top got, knocking him down the stairs. Rather than running away to call his lawyer, he just lay there in a twisted pile. I got back inside just as the camera crew was going to……

gmorris

07-08-2005, 02:07 PM

....start cleaning my fish tank. Oh well, I thought, one less thing to do today. The new task was to figure out what to do with the twisted pile of USDA rep laying all over my front steps. I figured I'd bound him with fruit roll-ups, and place him in the trunk of the camera crews car, then call the cops and tell them I smelled fruit and heard yelling coming from the trunk of a car parked in front of my house.

As the camera crew cleaned my fish tank and twisted the volume knob to inappropriate levels, I set about looking for the fruit roll-ups. I couldn't remember where I'd put them, then it occured to me, I'd put the roll-ups where any sensibible person would, in the facial tissue dispenser on top of the toilet in the bathroom!! Upon entering the bathroom, I remembered that I had not taken my maple syrup bath yet. So I put on my snow suit and moon boots and got in the tub, when..........

reeltrouble1

07-08-2005, 03:38 PM

The minivan mom and the girl scouts pulled up, I could see them through the upstairs window, the girls took off their helmets, mom was blabbing on her cell phone and I could hear Barry Manilow belting out This Songs for You, the distortion was terrible.

The girls saw the USDA guy, giggled and said, look their is the fat bald asshole guy we missed earlier, they pulled the TP from the trees (mother wanted it anyway) they wrapped some around USDA especially his nose which was bleeding. Together they hoisted him up and into the Hatchback of the van. I saw the hydraulics bounce with the weight of him but mom quickly gave them a spurt and the van quickly rose up and then settled. The girls jumped in donned their helmets. Mom hit the gas and off they sped. Meanwhile back down in the dining room.............

swerve

07-08-2005, 03:50 PM

Ms. Sally Ann was preparing dinner for her husband of 42 years. She heard the front door open and says "dinner will be ready in 10 minutes." She continued cooking dinner until she felt a presence behind her... she turned around to see a blonde man who resembled Fabio. She was immediately taken by his strong stare and fell into his arms right as Mr. Sally Ann arrived home. He quickly went for his dusty gun cabinet but Fabio greased himself up in fake butter and slid through the kitchen sink's drain.

Mr. Sally Ann quickly went to aid Ms. Sally Ann when all of the sudden...

SCompRacer

07-09-2005, 12:49 AM

Originally posted by swerve

Mr. Sally Ann quickly went to aid Ms. Sally Ann when all of the sudden...

...the viagra he had taken earlier caused his heart to blow a gasket. Ms. Sally Ann dialed the non-emergency number for an ambulance and went back to the sink with a vacumn cleaner and began calling out for Fabio.

About that time, Dick Weed walked downstairs after his maple syrup bath to find a member of the camera crew who had been cleaning the salt water fish tank dead on the floor. Dick thought damn, I should have warned him about that Yellow Tailed Croissant, one of the most poisonous fish in the world.

Oh well, he thought as he made his way over to the body. On his way, he suddenly realized the room was awfully quiet and smelled of burnt electronics. He looked to the remaining members of the film crew and....

Polkersince85

07-09-2005, 09:33 AM

......realized they were somehow stuck in the SDA groove and couldn't get out. I heard a knock at the door. Thought it was time for the paperboy so I went over and opened the door. By instinct, expecting the paper, I was looking down as I opened the door, fully expecting the paper to be in it's normal place. To my surprise, no paper. Instead, there was Daisy Duke, doing toe-touches with her back to me. I starred at her ankles for a moment and then.....

reeltrouble1

07-09-2005, 08:18 PM

I saw Daisy reach really deep for a toe touch and then heard a little pop in her back, she could barely say uh-oh. She whispered for me to come around front, said she was stuck and could not stand up. She said "pull my finger" well I obliged and sure enough "CA-BLAM" she let one go so hard it pushed it forward into me. I noticed she smelled bad and was getting a bit wrinkled up.

Anyway, she asked to use the phone, apparently the General Lee had gotten into a serious accident around the corner with a minivan full of girl scouts and some guy wrapped in TP. I said sure, we got back inside and I saw the fish guy was not dead, guess he was just temporarily paralyzed, man he was lucky. The neighbors missing squirrel monkey had gotten into the house and was full of maple syrup. He was perched on the chandiler and Miss Sally was staring up at his bald spot.

I showed Daisy the phone she punched up 911, just then I heard a helicopter fly low over the house.........................

Polkersince85

07-10-2005, 09:18 AM

and begin to hover over the house. Daisy began to yell her location into the phone because the noise of the chopper was so loud. I walked toward the window to see what was going on, snaking my way through the film crew one at a time. Finally made it to the window and walked out on the perch. The prop wash of the chopper was blowing the TP all around. I thought back to my childhood and got real sentimental. I immediately went back in the livingroom and pulled out my old albums. White Christmas was always my favorite. I stood at the window, Sinatra blasting away, watching as each minute the little pieces of TP began to cover everything in sight. Just then....

gmorris

07-11-2005, 08:50 AM

Originally posted by Polkersince85
and begin to hover over the house. Daisy began to yell her location into the phone because the noise of the chopper was so loud. I walked toward the window to see what was going on, snaking my way through the film crew one at a time. Finally made it to the window and walked out on the perch. The prop wash of the chopper was blowing the TP all around. I thought back to my childhood and got real sentimental. I immediately went back in the livingroom and pulled out my old albums. White Christmas was always my favorite. I stood at the window, Sinatra blasting away, watching as each minute the little pieces of TP began to cover everything in sight. Just then....

.... I realized there were 2 old people in MY house that I didn't recognize. I asked their names, to which the old man replied, "Mr. & Mrs. Sally Ann". I said, "Who the hell let you in my house? And why are you making your husband dinner? Get out of here right now". "Man, this neighborhood is going to Helsinki in a Handbasket, gangs of geriatric couples breaking in to homes and cooking dinners of creamed corn and corned beef hash", I thought.

Next move of the day is to take the front door off the hinges and burn it. I removed the door hinge screws with my butter knife, and took the front door to the back yard, and lit it on fire. "This should stop anyone else from knocking on the front door this morning", I said aloud, then quickly realized there was no one else standing near me. I headed back inside, only to discover the maple syrup soaked missing spider monkey had gotten into the refrigerator, and was drinking the.........

reeltrouble1

07-11-2005, 03:25 PM

the last of the Rolling Rock, he looked up at me smiled and let out one of the loudest, expungigating, ass clearing sounds you can imagine. I was immediately smacked in the face, as I fell to the floor I noticed the boiled eqq shells laying cracked and empty next to him.

I awoke several hours later to an eerie silence, the house was totally empty. I noticed .........................

ND13

07-11-2005, 03:30 PM

Can someone get me the Cliff's notes on this when ya'll are done:eek:.

gmorris

07-11-2005, 03:39 PM

Originally posted by reeltrouble1
the last of the Rolling Rock, he looked up at me smiled and let out one of the loudest, expungigating, ass clearing sounds you can imagine. I was immediately smacked in the face, as I fell to the floor I noticed the boiled eqq shells laying cracked and empty next to him.

I awoke several hours later to an eerie silence, the house was totally empty. I noticed .........................

.... it was time to rearrange my sock drawer. So I headed over to the den and opened the bottom desk drawer. I decided to alphabatize the socks this time. After realizing this would be more difficult than I originally anticipated, I decided numerically is clearly the more solid solution. So out comes the abacuss and the calculations began. 12 minutes later, I had my socks organized numerically, and a new Excel spreadsheet to catalog it all.

I then heard the spider monkey calling from the bathroom. It seems he is out of toilet paper, which is ironic, because spider monkey commonly use paper towels. "Silly monkey", I thought, and proceeded outside to gather up more TP. On my way thru the now doorless front door, I was greated on the front lawn by non other than.......

SCompRacer

07-12-2005, 03:42 AM

Originally posted by gmorris
On my way thru the now doorless front door, I was greated on the front lawn by non other than.......

...the local Sheriff who had a court summons in his hand. Seems Mr. Top was suing me for striking him in the face. The Sheriff also mentioned something about a US government offcial missing and wondered if I had seen him. I told the Sheriff I saw an offical looking man heading off in a minivan with a bunch of girl scouts and pointed in the general direction with my third hand.

The lawman left as I continued to gather TP for the monkey and decided to check on my corn crop. Thats odd, I thought as I looked down. That wasn't corn coming up out of the ground, it was.......

danger boy

07-12-2005, 05:03 AM

Originally posted by SCompRacer
...the local Sheriff who had a court summons in his hand. Seems Mr. Top was suing me for striking him in the face. The Sheriff also mentioned something about a US government offcial missing and wondered if I had seen him. I told the Sheriff I saw an offical looking man heading off in a minivan with a bunch of girl scouts and pointed in the general direction with my third hand.

The lawman left as I continued to gather TP for the monkey and decided to check on my corn crop. Thats odd, I thought as I looked down. That wasn't corn coming up out of the ground, it was.......

BC bud. Upon trying some out I realized I could see in the distance a small.....

Vr3MxStyler2k3

07-12-2005, 06:42 AM

man (with an oddly large noggin) named Russman who...

swerve

07-12-2005, 04:11 PM

began to sing an Usher tune that went like this:

"u got, u got it bad
when you're on the phone
hang up and you call right back
u got, u got it bad
if you miss a day without your friend
your whole life's off track
you know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
you dont wonna have fun
its all you think about
u got it bad when you're out with someone
but you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
U GOT IT BAD!!.... "

then suddenly....

gmorris

07-12-2005, 04:34 PM

....I shoved my hands into my back pockets and ran as fast as I could into the tree to punish myself for singing an Usher song. After I got back up, I ran into the tree again, just for good measure....

SCompRacer

07-12-2005, 04:50 PM

Originally posted by gmorris
....I shoved my hands into my back pockets and ran as fast as I could into the tree to punish myself for singing an Usher song. After I got back up, I ran into the tree again, just for good measure....

......besides, it's best to avoid close proximity to someone who's been exposed to nuclear fuel rods. Best get my money for this tube pre amp and be on my way. While Dick was digging up his cash box from the back yard......