aaharvel
07-26-2006, 01:44 AM
Jaws: The Revenge is the worst movie in the history of history.
This is the fourth and thankfully the last in the popular series of movies about a man-eating fish. Honest to Christ.. i'm not kidding. This has to be the worst movie in the history of history. Thanks to either insomnia, complete boredom, or both I'm actually in the process of surviving this dreadful beast as I write this. Thank you AMC.
Brief synopsis: Ten years after the original Jaws, Ellen Brody, the widow of Chief Martin Brody played by Lorraine Gary moves from Amnity Island in New England to somewhere in the Bahamas after her husband dies of a heart attack and her eldest son is killed by a shark. Oddly enough, she's obsessed with the notion that a great white shark is out to extract personal revenge (yes you read that right) for the killing of "Bruce" (the shark in the original film). There are two major problems I should point out here. The first is that fish don't hold personal grudges. The second is that FISH DON'T HOLD PERSONAL GRUDGES! Was this shark a friend of Bruce? A family member? A personal hit-fish? Maybe it's Bruce's ghost reincarnated?!? And if any of the above are true, then how does a shark and a human have the ability to share an emotional connection with each other in the first place? Jesus H Christ I get dizzy just thinking about it!
Meanwhile, as the shark swims from New England to the Bahamas in a mere THREE DAYS in pursuit of Brody's widow, she herself is befriended and subsequently courted by a character played by actor Michael Caine. Sorry, but I didn't catch his name. I was distracted by Bruce II's uncanny ability to cover half of the western hemisphere in just 72 hours. Eat your heart out Donovan Baily.
For a film that lasts 90 minutes, this thing dragged ass, and I don't mean skinny lightweight ass. I'm talking about big, sweaty, fat Samoan ass. But in the end, the shark travels half-way around the western hemisphere and tracks down Ellen Brody, and just like in the last three films... dies. By impalment, dynamite, a bad script, whatever. But this time around it's quite different, humorous, and extremely pathetic all at once. This shark can actually stand on his dorsal fin and roar like a T-Rex. No shit. And when the inevitable moment of impalment happens via the bow of a ship (yes, the bow of a freaking ship) this shark inexplicabily blows up. Not only that, but it blows up a whopping 4 times! Wowzers, that is movie-making magic at it's finest! When exactly does a fish blow up as soon as it's impaled with something? It's a shame really.. if this were true then going fishing would be a hell of a lot more exciting.
As you can probably tell by my endless sarcasm, I did not like this movie. According to rotten tomatoes, no one else did either. It got a 0% rating, the only movie that I know of to earn such an honor. The privileged few who have seen the movie do agree that Mario Vann Peebles's character "Jake" stole the movie. This doesn't seem hard to do however, considering the movie was never well guarded to begin with. Ok. That's one positive comment. So what happens next? LOL! Jake gets eaten by the shark, but then later re-surfaces after the shark is blown to pieces with nary a scratch on him! In the vain of those two Guinness drunks.. BRILLIANT!
In the end, Jaws The Revenge stands out as a severe black mark on the acting career of Michael Caine and most certainly Lorraine Gary's "finest moment." Of course this isn't exactly a compliment as this shit-stink of a movie killed the careers of both the scriptwriter Michael De Guzman and director Joseph Sargent. Ever heard of them? Exactly. No one else has either. Watch at your own risk.
Zap. Roar. :rolleyes:
This is the fourth and thankfully the last in the popular series of movies about a man-eating fish. Honest to Christ.. i'm not kidding. This has to be the worst movie in the history of history. Thanks to either insomnia, complete boredom, or both I'm actually in the process of surviving this dreadful beast as I write this. Thank you AMC.
Brief synopsis: Ten years after the original Jaws, Ellen Brody, the widow of Chief Martin Brody played by Lorraine Gary moves from Amnity Island in New England to somewhere in the Bahamas after her husband dies of a heart attack and her eldest son is killed by a shark. Oddly enough, she's obsessed with the notion that a great white shark is out to extract personal revenge (yes you read that right) for the killing of "Bruce" (the shark in the original film). There are two major problems I should point out here. The first is that fish don't hold personal grudges. The second is that FISH DON'T HOLD PERSONAL GRUDGES! Was this shark a friend of Bruce? A family member? A personal hit-fish? Maybe it's Bruce's ghost reincarnated?!? And if any of the above are true, then how does a shark and a human have the ability to share an emotional connection with each other in the first place? Jesus H Christ I get dizzy just thinking about it!
Meanwhile, as the shark swims from New England to the Bahamas in a mere THREE DAYS in pursuit of Brody's widow, she herself is befriended and subsequently courted by a character played by actor Michael Caine. Sorry, but I didn't catch his name. I was distracted by Bruce II's uncanny ability to cover half of the western hemisphere in just 72 hours. Eat your heart out Donovan Baily.
For a film that lasts 90 minutes, this thing dragged ass, and I don't mean skinny lightweight ass. I'm talking about big, sweaty, fat Samoan ass. But in the end, the shark travels half-way around the western hemisphere and tracks down Ellen Brody, and just like in the last three films... dies. By impalment, dynamite, a bad script, whatever. But this time around it's quite different, humorous, and extremely pathetic all at once. This shark can actually stand on his dorsal fin and roar like a T-Rex. No shit. And when the inevitable moment of impalment happens via the bow of a ship (yes, the bow of a freaking ship) this shark inexplicabily blows up. Not only that, but it blows up a whopping 4 times! Wowzers, that is movie-making magic at it's finest! When exactly does a fish blow up as soon as it's impaled with something? It's a shame really.. if this were true then going fishing would be a hell of a lot more exciting.
As you can probably tell by my endless sarcasm, I did not like this movie. According to rotten tomatoes, no one else did either. It got a 0% rating, the only movie that I know of to earn such an honor. The privileged few who have seen the movie do agree that Mario Vann Peebles's character "Jake" stole the movie. This doesn't seem hard to do however, considering the movie was never well guarded to begin with. Ok. That's one positive comment. So what happens next? LOL! Jake gets eaten by the shark, but then later re-surfaces after the shark is blown to pieces with nary a scratch on him! In the vain of those two Guinness drunks.. BRILLIANT!
In the end, Jaws The Revenge stands out as a severe black mark on the acting career of Michael Caine and most certainly Lorraine Gary's "finest moment." Of course this isn't exactly a compliment as this shit-stink of a movie killed the careers of both the scriptwriter Michael De Guzman and director Joseph Sargent. Ever heard of them? Exactly. No one else has either. Watch at your own risk.
Zap. Roar. :rolleyes: