post rehab relapsing brother that's staying with me..... [Archive]

brettw22

01-03-2010, 12:50 AM

Venting.......

So I have a 33yo brother that's been pretty much a drunken mooch that has gone through an endless list of friends who have amazingly completely funded his life....which ended him in rehab as our family's only option for helping him out.

He graduated 90 days from rehab, went into transition and was kicked out in a month because he was too lazy to do what was required of him (20 hours of community service if you dont' have a job).....

He stayed with a sister for a week, and then because of me not traveling (the only reason i would possibly let him stay here is if was here too) i allowed him to stay here for the past few weeks because she has a newborn, a 3yo, and a husband, whereas I have a big place to myself.....

I've found out that he's been drinking occasionally, and just recently found out that while he was at my sisters he stole some percocets. I went through his stuff here and found that he took another prescription of theirs and that bottle is empty here.

My issue isn't drinking as I have several friends that drink. The difference is that I'm not supporting them. His pills he's justifying that he's not on month long binges and doesn't see why I should feel betrayed when I've pointedly asked him about doing drugs and he's said no.

I'm leaving town on Wednesday, and he's soon to be homeless again, but staying here while I'm traveling is not an option in any way/shape/form.

Family is fun, right?

hearingimpared

01-03-2010, 12:56 AM

Drinking and drugging are only a symptom of a deeper problem some say disease. In many cases it takes many more than one try at rehab. I wouldn't give up on him as he is your flesh and blood and needs love, tough love, albeit but love and understanding none-the-less.

brettw22

01-03-2010, 01:00 AM

hearingimpared

01-03-2010, 01:01 AM

Well hopefully he'll get it before he kills himself with that ****.

ohskigod

01-03-2010, 01:05 AM

Flesh and blood is not enough of a reason for me to put up with a persons ****..........harsh, but true.

truer words couldn't be spoken. a person will never get real help unless he wants it. he don't want it. I've been down this road. watch how much risk you put in his corner if you know what I mean. this guy has further down to travel and he will take whoever is around him with him....at least he will try

brettw22

01-03-2010, 01:08 AM

Before he came into my place, he knew that the deadline was the 8th. Then work superceded and called me out on the 6th so his date got upped a few days.

He could have been staying in transition for $300/mo with all meals and stuff paid and he thought it was a better deal outside that bubble...........

Idiot.

hearingimpared

01-03-2010, 01:11 AM

He hasn't hit bottom yet. Maybe you letting him go will get him to that bottom quicker. In my experience 33 year olds need about 10 more years of torture and health concerns before they hit that bottom. I hope this doesn't happen to your brother.

headrott

01-03-2010, 01:22 AM

The fact that I'd ever let him stay with me is a monumental thing, family or not. I'm the one that has always called him on his **** and been onto everything he's done.....

This isn't his first try at rehab, and the fact that he's drinking and drugging it less than a week of being out of transition tells me it's not gonna be his last.

Flesh and blood is not enough of a reason for me to put up with a persons ****..........harsh, but true.

Yes, your last statement is very true. I refer to the Bible at this point because it says it best refering to the fact that your brother is too lazy to work. In 2 Thessalonians 3:10 "For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." Seems pretty clear to me.

Until your brother really wants to do something about his situation, he'll have to be set apart from the rest of your family. Otherwise, you are helping him to continue his problems. Even if he makes an attempt to make a change, you should absolutely help him. Until then, explain to him that you don't want him around you when he is doing what he is doing. If he really wants to change, then you can help him out. That's my input. Probably not extremely popular, but is the way it should be done. As hearingimpared said, tough love is what he needs not gooey compasionate love.

brettw22

01-03-2010, 01:25 AM

headrott

01-03-2010, 01:31 AM

Him being here has more to do with my helping my sister because she's definitely not in a good place to be havin him there.

I'm the last person that would be giving gooey compassionate love to anyone, including my brother.

Are you saying your sister does not want your brother there? I am confused by your first statement, sorry if I didn't get it. I'm just not sure how you are helping your sister by having your brother be there with your sister when she doesn't want him there?

ben62670

01-03-2010, 01:45 AM

Hey Bro my prayers are sent.any kind of help I can offer at anytime.
Love ya Bro.
Ben

Lasareath

01-03-2010, 02:51 AM

Good Luck.

I had a friend of 30 years that i brought into my house a few years ago who was a druggy, I should have let him stay on the streets, in 10 days he stole over 4 grand in jewerly or electronics to fund his drug habits.

If I had to do it again, i'd handcuff him to a radiator and throw him food 3 times a day and in a couple of months i'd uncuff him, he should be sober by then!

Fongolio

01-03-2010, 03:31 AM

I'm 21 years off of drugs as of January 1 and all I can tell you is that he still hasn't found the bottom. Do him a favour and if you know he's drinking and doing drugs (yes prescriptions that aren't his count) don't let him stay even if you are in town. Best thing that happened to me was no one left to turn to made me see what an ******* I was. Up to then someone always bailed me out. I hit bottom and got clean. Addicts will use and abuse until there's no one left to lie to or steal from or sponge off of. Good luck man.
Kelvin

danger boy

01-03-2010, 03:48 AM

sounds like your brother needs to go back into rehab.

deadbeat friends I can deal with. but deadbeat family is tough... every family has them though.

sorry I don't have any advice on this one.

NJPOLKER

01-03-2010, 08:32 AM

Brett,
I wish you and your family good luck. It's a long difficult journey as you know and with good decisions on everyones part maybe things will get better soon. It is probably a stretch that things will get better soon because these kind of things generally take years to mend.
I have the feeling you know a lot about how to deal with this kind of situation which is good but it's so very difficult, almost impossible, to live with. Best wishes

George Grand

01-03-2010, 08:42 AM

NJPOLKER

01-03-2010, 09:16 AM

Brett,

Add 17 years to your brother's age and we have MY brother. Exact same situation. It is driving me crazy that I can't keep my promise to somehow or another take care of him. I cannot find a way that won't destroy other people's lives.

George,
Do we have the same brother? Are we somehow related? In all seriousness my brother made it and is now 50 years old. When I say he made it, he has, he will never drink again and has not for maybe 5 + years now and is fully aware of his "problems" and has addressed them. It's was a terrible experience and almost ripped our family apart. Through the grace of god and family we made it.
Brett,
I do not envy you in any way, shape or forum because I have been in those shoes. Try to keep the faith and look after your sister as I know you will.

George Grand

01-03-2010, 09:21 AM

Thanks man.

The saddest part of the whole thing is that these long-term abusers genuinely missed "life".

tonyb

01-03-2010, 09:22 AM

Exactly George. I guess every family has that one black sheep hell bent on self destruction. I have one,my wifes family has one, and no matter how much you try,you get dumped on in the end and create hurt feelings with the other members of the family.
Whats the answer? Hell if I know,but I will say that you keep trying,because god forbid if something happens, you'll be able to sleep at night rather than having done nothing at all. Watching this stuff unfold before your eyes,knowing that not much you can do will change it, is a terrible experience for anyone and frustrating as all hell. You know that old saying....you can drag a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You do all you can but in the end they have to want help. If not, then there comes a point where you have to let go and say lots of prayers.

George Grand

01-03-2010, 09:28 AM

Yup. I light a boatload of candles for that boy, and have probably worn out the knees in a couple pair of pants too over the last two years.

I just didn't want our dear Brett to think he was out there on his own this week.

Keiko

01-03-2010, 09:34 AM

I pray your brothers can work through their issues and get back on track, Brett & George. Life is far too short to waste.

everpress

01-03-2010, 09:52 AM

My mom was one of those folks. It's been over 20 years since she's had a drink.
Her bottom was when I was around 5 or so. My brother had raised me (as he was 7 years older than me). But she had just gotten fired from drinking on the job, her (literally) crack-head husband had left her because she couldn't support both their habits and she choose hers. My brother and I (at 12 and 5) cooked, cleaned , did laundry and occasionally wrote the checks out to pay the bills.
My mom had a couple of nights of sobriety that opened her eyes to the fact that she was ruining her life. And that she was ruining our lives.

She still, to this day, has the dry alcoholic's mentality that much of her life isn't in her control. She still blames others for many problems that were caused by her own actions. Many dry alcoholics and clean abusers get in that rut. It's like they never matured in some ways.

BUT they are clean and able to make up for the past by not reliving it. My mom has made the most positive difference in my life just by doing what other people find it so easy to do: not drink. It is a struggle for her. Daily, I'm sure. Her last time drinking was a suicide attempt. That was her bottom. Three big jugs of vodka in a body that barely weighed 100lbs. It damn near did kill her too.

But her determination to stop led to her determination to set everything into a positive direction in her life. She got rid of her debt, she moved us from poverty to middleclass and now she is debt free completely and living very well, very sober and basically donating her time as a lunch lady in a small school in the middle of nowhere because she loves children and she doesn't have to work anymore.

Brett, I hope that your brother doesn't have to hit bottom to change his life around. But if he does, I hope he does it soon and that you and your family aren't on the receiving end of that bottom.

Good luck; I'll pray for you and yours.

mrbigbluelight

01-03-2010, 11:22 AM

Sorry to hear of your troubles, but a couple of things to keep in mind, if I may throw my 2 cents worth in:

: While you're out of town, your brother should NOT stay with your sister, her newborn and 3 year-old, and her husband.
Your brother, with all due respect, doesn't possess the ability to deal responsibly with himself at this point in time, much less a a married couple with YOUNG children.
That should not even be remotely considered an option.

: While he is your flesh and blood, the best thing IMO that you can do for him at this time is ......... nothing.

Call it fate, call it karma, call it whatever one may but your brother has to travel this road by himself.
His family can lovingly point him in the right direction, give him some viable options/programs, then it is up to him.
His family are apparently responsible loving human beings; you all are probably used to facing challenges in life, working towards solutions, and succeeding. In this case, though, your efforts will prevent an ultimate, lasting solution and that doesn't fit with what has worked with you all in the past. But it has to be done, or better yet, not done.

Do .......... nothing.

brettw22

01-03-2010, 11:25 AM

Are you saying your sister does not want your brother there? I am confused by your first statement, sorry if I didn't get it. I'm just not sure how you are helping your sister by having your brother be there with your sister when she doesn't want him there?I think you misread........

My brother is staying with me because:
1. I'm in town and can both track his **** as well as keep an eye on my stuff since I'm not on the road for a week+ at a time

2. I'm in a better place to have him here than she is because she has the newborn, a 3yo, and her husband.....

Before he moved in I took all prescriptions to the office which turned out to be a good thing to do. i also took as much portably valuable things away too and store those in my car and/or at the office. Just because he's here doesn't mean I trust him......and I only OK'd it because it was a short term thing from the onset.....

brettw22

01-03-2010, 11:30 AM

With him stealing the pills from her, among other things that are missing and he denies, she's flat out against having him there any more.

I'm the person that above everyone else would do zilch for this kid, and it's only because of not wanting my sister/fam in a bad place is he here for the few weeks that he is.

After Wednesday, he can "continue on his quest" for whatever the hell it is, but it'll be without any form of support other than encouragement.

jmwest1970

01-03-2010, 11:39 AM

I can relate. Although in my situation it's a step-family. About 10 years ago I cut my ties with them. I found it to be the best thing for me. Unfortunately my step-mother still helped them out of every situation. One step-brother in particular was close to me as we are only a month apart in age. Drinking was his biggest problem, but he continued to partake in weed, coke, meth, and whatever else he could get his hands on. That ended December 12, 2008 at age 38. That's when my older step-sister found him dead on the toilet after work. He didn't OD. His heart gave out from all the abuse. I miss him, but I could have been in that same situation.

The point is that you have to do what's best for you. It's nice to help, but if the person doesn't want help it's a lost cause. Good luck and my your brother find his way.

hearingimpared

01-03-2010, 12:18 PM

George,
Do we have the same brother? Are we somehow related? In all seriousness my brother made it and is now 50 years old. When I say he made it, he has, he will never drink again and has not for maybe 5 + years now and is fully aware of his "problems" and has addressed them. It's was a terrible experience and almost ripped our family apart. Through the grace of god and family we made it.
Brett,
I do not envy you in any way, shape or forum because I have been in those shoes. Try to keep the faith and look after your sister as I know you will.

Not to put a jinx on the good fortune that has been bestowed on your brother Drew but never say never. Relapses are common with alkys and druggies. I know, it happened to me. I was six years sober and never thought I would drink or drug again. After a couple of stints in the hospital, and being given dilaudid intravenously I came out of the hospital addicted to dilaudid and found myself right back where I had started. Instead of going to an AA or NA meeting upon leaving the hospital, I started seeking dilaudid and drinking and using street drugs etc. Luckily and by the Grace of God and some support from my family I was able to stop again in relatively short time.

I know this sounds silly to those who don't have the problem but while you are in the grips of addiction you don't realize that the monster has you by the balls and is wreaking havoc with your loved ones and yourself. Your brother needs to stay vigilant and keep the faith as well as doing what he's been doing faithfully to keep the monster at bay.

I hope Brett's brother hits his bottom soon and gets sober before the inevitable irreparable damage is done to his family and his body.

I pray your brother keeps it up and continues to have a happy life.

NJPOLKER

01-03-2010, 12:49 PM

I knew someone would bring this up and understand exactley where your coming from. That said, he won't, not even a remote chance. Thank God.

hearingimpared

01-03-2010, 12:53 PM

I knew someone would bring this up and understand exactley where your coming from. That said, he won't, not even a remote chance. Thank God.

I'll keep him and other's who have posted here about loved ones in my prayers.

bikezappa

01-03-2010, 01:00 PM

NJPOLKER

01-03-2010, 01:03 PM

Thanks
We all need them regardless.
I'd say more but don't want to get into his business any more than I already have.

headrott

01-03-2010, 01:09 PM

I think you misread........

My brother is staying with me because:
1. I'm in town and can both track his **** as well as keep an eye on my stuff since I'm not on the road for a week+ at a time

2. I'm in a better place to have him here than she is because she has the newborn, a 3yo, and her husband.....

Before he moved in I took all prescriptions to the office which turned out to be a good thing to do. i also took as much portably valuable things away too and store those in my car and/or at the office. Just because he's here doesn't mean I trust him......and I only OK'd it because it was a short term thing from the onset.....

OK Brett, Got it. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I was thinking that you and your sister live together. Short term is a smart thing to do. Until your brother decides to try a different way, tell him why you don't want him in your house and let him go his way. If/when he hits ground and looks up towards you, you should help him out in any way you feel is appropriate.

amulford

01-03-2010, 01:21 PM

Sorry, Brett, but he ain't your responsibility. At 33 he's a big boy. I had my share of addictions, and I broke them, so he can too. No pity here, sorry.

Your enabling his lifestyle, pure and simple. **** that, turn him loose to fend for himself. You don't need to be your brother's keeper....

If you want to help him, let him go, he needs to hit rock bottom, dude. Ain't no other way, man. Healing Has to come from within. Anything else won't work.

It took me seeing my daughter as an infant thru an inch of bullet proof plate glass to realize how much of a piece of **** I'd allowed myself to become. It hurt, but it cured me. That was 17 years ago...

And don't let him mooch off your sister either. When he tries, run him down the road. She don't need his **** either. If you want to protect someone, the baby is the one who needs it....

brettw22

01-03-2010, 01:44 PM

She lives 45 minutes south of where he works etc so he won't be just randomly stopping by her place.

Him staying here is less about him per se as much as it is about protecting my sister, her kids, and her family. I am far more suspicious of his stuff than anyone else in the family and while he is working and getting a 2nd job at that, I can at least recognize that while he's making some poor decisions along the line, he's also trying to make better ones.

He knows my position about this stuff and he was bawling to the point of barely able to breathe last night when i called him and told him to quit ****ing things up. He wants to do better, but the problem is his 'better' and the families 'better' aren't one and the same.

He'll be on his own in 2 days, and after that he has zero access to my place, even on a visiting standpoint for a while.

megasat16

01-03-2010, 02:02 PM

He wants to do better, but the problem is his 'better' and the families 'better' aren't one and the same.

That's some funny stuff there. I hope he'll get sober up or he needs to put some sense into him. A man 33 yrs old need to know what **** he is on and how he is ruining himself and family around him.

Good Luck to you and your family! I am hoping he'll see what's real better for him soon.

Fireman32

01-03-2010, 02:57 PM

Hope it all works out Brett.

apc

01-03-2010, 03:11 PM

Been there, done that.

As the sibling of a recovering alcoholic, there are several rules. They apply to you, not the person with the dependency.

You cannot fix it, you did not cause it and you cannot fix it. Did I mention you cannot fix it?

You and your family can be immediately drawn into the spiral and unknowingly enable the person to continue the freefall.

Your best bet is to attend a 12 step program designed for friends and family of those persons with a dependency. It may not be for you, but it will be the best way to change your perceptions of the situation. It is eye-opening at least and life changing at best.

Good luck in your endeavors.

danger boy

01-03-2010, 03:21 PM

sounds like Bretts brother knows he needs to get help. but some times they aren't willing to do it on their own. a intervention sounds like it might need to take place.. sitting down and talking to him.. making him realize that he's in a downward spiral lifestyle. and something bad could happen in the future if he doesn't make a big change now.

I really think he needs to get back into rehab. but he's got to be willing to keep with it and make a significant change in his life if he wants to be part of the family.

33 yrs is way to young for a person to be in his position with so many more years of this ahead of him. If he doesn't change now.. who knows what will happen to him. Sounds like close family don't want him around in his current stage.

brettw22

01-03-2010, 06:43 PM

We're not paying for him to go through rehab again. Ultimately, I think he used rehab as a way to get back in the States (he was in Japan, and India because some dumb women paid for him to get there then realized he had zero intention on supporting himself, let alone anyone else).

I actually am into him for a whole $20 to cover bus fare for a week of him being here. I don't give him cash, I don't buy him what he deems as necessities (sunglasses, hoodies, etc) and only buy food and let him sleep here.

Intervention isn't going to work because "his intention to go through rehab wasn't to be sober, but to be in a better place in life" which means finding out about schooling, getting a job, etc.

For all his life I've been the dickish one in terms of not putting up with his ****, and that hasn't changed. His issues will continue to keep him on the bottom rung of society, and that's something that he needs to figure out, not us.

He'll be here tonight and Monday night..after that, he's as homeless here in Utah as he has been in Dallas, Miami, Japan, and India. He's one that won't really ever learn, so that's unfortunate.

Shizelbs

01-03-2010, 06:47 PM

Sorry to hear your burden. Thats rough. Sounds like he needs a lot more meetings and a sponsor.

Tough love.

hearingimpared

01-03-2010, 06:51 PM

brettw22

01-03-2010, 07:17 PM

No one can tell him that he has anything wrong, doctors included. Even if he had medications to regulate, those would be abused as well. I think he got the usual ADHD when he was 16 or 17, but I don't remember.

When he looks back on his life, and even in current state, I don't know how you couldn't be depressed. He has nothing no money, no car, no house/apt, nothing that really makes him appealing to people as a dating partner, and no stability to him whatsoever. He talks about wanting better, but ultimately he has this entitled attitude that because he's 'wanting to be a better person' that everyone should be bowing and gifting him whatever he requests. That **** don't fly with me and when he asked about sunglasses once, i totally ignored that he even said it.

He got paid $312 for his first paycheck, and told me he spent $45 on NYE. He'll be broke by the end of the week and wondering why the world hates him so much.......it's lame....

hearingimpared

01-03-2010, 07:35 PM

No one can tell him that he has anything wrong, doctors included. Even if he had medications to regulate, those would be abused as well. I think he got the usual ADHD when he was 16 or 17, but I don't remember.....

If he does get a dual-diagnosis, a doctor would never prescribe any meds that could be abused. So he'd be ****-out-of luck in that department.

When he looks back on his life, and even in current state, I don't know how you couldn't be depressed. He has nothing no money, no car, no house/apt, nothing that really makes him appealing to people as a dating partner, and no stability to him whatsoever. He talks about wanting better, but ultimately he has this entitled attitude that because he's 'wanting to be a better person' that everyone should be bowing and gifting him whatever he requests. That **** don't fly with me and when he asked about sunglasses once, i totally ignored that he even said it.

He got paid $312 for his first paycheck, and told me he spent $45 on NYE. He'll be broke by the end of the week and wondering why the world hates him so much.......it's lame....

Unfortunately that is an addicts typical mindset . . . entitlement.

Well it sounds like he is not finished getting beat up yet by the drugs & alcohol so he's just going to have to take the beating and hit that bottom. It would seem that him not wanting to get better leaves you and the rest of your family no choice but to turn your backs on him until he does. It sounds harsh but that is the only way he is going to get anywhere with his problem.

I wish you and your family the best of luck with this all too frustrating situation and I'll pray for your brother's recovery.

tx_polkhead

01-03-2010, 07:43 PM

sorry to hear about your family troubles, make sure someone you know and trust keeps an eye on your place while you are out of town. If you have an alarm at your home, change the code...

heiney9

01-03-2010, 08:22 PM

Good Luck Brett. I can't imagine how frustrating this can be for all involved (except your brother)

Good Luck George.........I'll be praying for your family.

H9

mrbigbluelight

01-04-2010, 12:11 AM

Brett, is it possible that he has an undiagnosed mental disorder such as; bipoler disorder, anxiety disorder, or clinical depression? If he has any of these disorders once they are resolved he won't be so inclined to self medicate. It is called dual-diagnosis, maybe it was missed in the rehab.

Just a thought.

I do believe you have hit the nail on the head, Mr HI.

Does not mean that the brother now has a free pass to continue his destructive behavior, to be sure.
But it might possibly mean that those around him might point him towards a facility that can deal with a possible depression-based problem.
Merely point, though. Not "pay for" or "provide transportation to/from treatment" or "pick up prescriptions" or "monitor medication intake" or ......

No one can tell him that he has anything wrong, doctors included. Even if he had medications to regulate, those would be abused as well. I think he got the usual ADHD when he was 16 or 17

If he was "diagnosed" with ADHD when he was 16 or 17, that would have been in the early 90's, I believe.
I put "diagnosed" in quotes because that may have been a mis-"diagnosis".
The "Age of Ritalin" started about that time:

"Since 1991, prescriptions for ADHD medications quintupled.

In that same time period, Ritalin use for the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder ADD ADHD increased 700 percent.

ADHD medications prescriptions for children ages 2 to 4 increased almost 300% between 1991 and 1995.

My point ? A misdiagnosis of ADHD, with prescribed medication, would have done nothing for an actual case of clinical depression. Don't mean to open up a can of worms on the issue of Ritalin, but Ritalin would not have helped him then, nor now (and Ritalin can be abused; pretty good street prices on Ritalin as they make pretty good speeders).

Sorry for the rambling post. The main thing is you're doing the right thing protecting your sister/nieces/nephews and you've done enough for your brother. It's up to him now.

brettw22

01-09-2010, 02:57 AM

so I wenr to KC area for a couple days and I stopped by my place this morning when I got back to check on it at 830am and brother was still sleeping. I did a few things around the house then headed off to work for the day.......

I got home from errands after work and was walking around my living room and start getting pissed. in a tied up garbage sack were 5 empty 24oz cans of beer. this bag was not there in the morning meaning either:
a) he drank all 5 and went to work sloshed,
b) he drank over the 2 days I was gone, or
c) he had friends over to help.

My brother will be homeless tomorrow and it's sad that he can't get out of his own way to prevent being on the streets.....especially in the middle of winter.

when he came home from work tonight I had the cans on the kitchen counter all lined up and I haven't said a word about them (neither did he). he got totally silent and went outside making calls....who knows what about but i'm sure it was to someone he begged to ket him stay with because he knows how lit I am

The fact that they were tied up in the bag tells me that he's been sneaking beers in and disposing of the cans in other people's trash. That type of gameyness just cost him the only possible roof over his head......sad...but tomorrow I will call him after his interview for a second job and tell him the news and then will pack and bring all his stuff to him and say goodbye.

dorokusai

01-09-2010, 03:01 AM

You're an idiot.

F1nut

01-09-2010, 03:05 AM

I will call him after his interview and tell him the news and then will pack and bring all his stuff to him and say goodbye.

You've got to do what you've got to do......it's the right thing no matter how hard it may be.

brettw22

01-09-2010, 03:06 AM

because........

dorokusai

01-09-2010, 03:10 AM

You're too nice of a guy, let alone a family member to allow that to happen Brett.

Sometimes its about tough love and while I may not know about every facet of the situation, he's using you and you're enabling him. He has to make a conscious decision to change and the relationship you have with him is years down the road. Either you fully commit or cut him loose. There is no in between.

ben62670

01-09-2010, 03:12 AM

Seriously he needs to sink to the point where he gives up himself. You have to realize you are powerless to do anything for him. It sucks to feel powerless, but you need to make peace with that. Your family is still in my prayers Brett.
Ben

dorokusai

01-09-2010, 03:16 AM

hearingimpared

01-09-2010, 04:37 AM

Yea, let him hit rock bottom at your expense. If he's living with you because he has no place to go, he's at rock bottom. No offense Brett but when you begin to bounce around family....the downward spiral has begun.

From what I've read he's been in the downward spiral, just getting out of rehab and drinking & drugging already. It appears he is just about to hit that bottom really hard.

Kudos Brett for sticking to your guns.

danger boy

01-09-2010, 05:35 AM

Brett, sounds like other family have washed their hands of him. so should you.. tough as it may be to be that much of an ******* to your own brother. but he won't change.. ever.

do what you have to do to get him help.. or wish him luck and be done with him.

mrbigbluelight

01-09-2010, 05:43 AM

At the risk of sounding trivial:

"I’m gonna do for you now , in one minute what it took the United States Army 6 months to do for me……"

—Whats that????

"Nothing!!!….and you dont even have to thank me for it……."

That scene, from a Robert Blake movie from 1973, "Electra Glide in Blue" about sums it up. That scene was burned in my neurons for a long time while I watched someone close to me go over the cliff and there was nothing anyone could do, despite everyone's best efforts . It's tough to realize that there is nothing you can do. Real tough.

Your good-intentioned "doing" would be his "undoing"; your seemingly "not doing" is what he needs apparently.

The best of luck to you and your brother; you've done your part.

amulford

01-09-2010, 08:53 AM

you mean he's still there??? Ok....

brettw22

01-09-2010, 09:54 PM

He's out as of earlier today and I texted him a bit ago asking if i could bring anything that he might need since he left with just the clothes on his back and a few things in a bag.

He's texting that 'the law might not look kindly on you kicking me out in the middle of winter since after 2 weeks technically i'm a resident'........

I'm leavin town tomorrow and am pretty sure my place will have a window broken into while I'm gone (been thinking about getting an alarm, this is a good motivator). I'l be back on Saturday and at that point I'll take his stuff downtown and rent a storage unit or something to dump his **** into that he can go to for his things.

Talweh

01-10-2010, 10:16 AM

So now he's threatening you? seriously?
wow.
just wow.

I have been keeping up with this thread, because about a dozen years ago, I was that guy. I hadn't felt the need to comment because the others pretty much had it covered. But that surprised even me. Good luck Brett... if I were you, I'd ask the neighbors to keep an eye on the place, and call the law if they see him, or see lights on while you're gone. And I'm sorry you're going through this.

concealer404

01-10-2010, 04:53 PM

Too nice.

He won't hit rock bottom as long as you're doing even one iota for him. As long as he can keep above water, even by as little as it seems he's doing, he won't recover in any way shape or form.

Don't text him. Don't call him. Don't bring him anything. And if you come back to a broken window, call the police, explain the situation, and say that you absolutely want to press charges.

I feel for you. :(

SKsolutions

01-10-2010, 05:16 PM

Sounds like he's miles away from getting it. Living under a bridge or breaking into cars for warmth will help him on his way to receiving the gift of desperation. Without it, most will use until they die prematurely. Good luck, it's not easy.

TECHNOKID

01-11-2010, 11:15 AM

This is tough reading today but unfortunately part of life. I feel for you Brett and will definitely pray for your brother and family (you and your sister).
I'm 21 years off of drugs as of January 1 and all I can tell you is that he still hasn't found the bottom. Do him a favour and if you know he's drinking and doing drugs (yes prescriptions that aren't his count) don't let him stay even if you are in town. Best thing that happened to me was no one left to turn to made me see what an ******* I was. Up to then someone always bailed me out. I hit bottom and got clean. Addicts will use and abuse until there's no one left to lie to or steal from or sponge off of. Good luck man.
KelvinGreat testimony Fongolio!

I pray your brothers can work through their issues and get back on track, Brett & George. Life is far too short to waste.I unite in prayers for both Brett & George.

Not to put a jinx on the good fortune that has been bestowed on your brother Drew but never say never. Relapses are common with alkys and druggies. I know, it happened to me. I was six years sober and never thought I would drink or drug again. After a couple of stints in the hospital, and being given dilaudid intravenously I came out of the hospital addicted to dilaudid and found myself right back where I had started. Instead of going to an AA or NA meeting upon leaving the hospital, I started seeking dilaudid and drinking and using street drugs etc. Luckily and by the Grace of God and some support from my family I was able to stop again in relatively short time.

I know this sounds silly to those who don't have the problem but while you are in the grips of addiction you don't realize that the monster has you by the balls and is wreaking havoc with your loved ones and yourself. Your brother needs to stay vigilant and keep the faith as well as doing what he's been doing faithfully to keep the monster at bay.

I hope Brett's brother hits his bottom soon and gets sober before the inevitable irreparable damage is done to his family and his body.

I pray your brother keeps it up and continues to have a happy life.

I'll keep him and other's who have posted here about loved ones in my prayers.Lots of knowledge and wisdom about this type of problem in this discussion. Reading you Brett, I see you are a good brother and trying to do your best for all of the concerned family members. Keep the faith and God bless you and your entire family.

brettw22

01-12-2010, 12:24 AM

I've checked on him the past few nights. Texted him while he was at work (glad to hear he was there since I thought it was possible that he may end up losing the job due to going to that 'no hope' mentality) and here's what we texted:

me: hey.....just wanted to check in......bad to ask if you're drinking?

him: no, and i'm not planning to....at LEAST for a while.....I understand your position. I'm done hating and anger

me: where you at tonight?

him: i got a place for the week at least so i'm good

me: with whom? good situation?

him: yeah, good guy....sober in the program

I asked if it was the guy he stayed with Sat night (the one my Mom mentioned was very temp because the guy had kids) and he said that it's not but the guy lives close to where he went to rehab.

me: is this guy sober in the program....sorry for being nosey (i don't know why i asked this since he just told me he was.....lol)

him: yes.....all good.....thanks

I think he might be in a better environment with someone that's positively involved in the program to get him back on track. At a minimum, it's a good thing that he is still working, he's around someone that's surviving sober

I don't know how long his situation will last there, or what his steps are after this week, but time will tell.

hearingimpared

01-12-2010, 02:18 AM

Well it's a start.

headrott

01-12-2010, 02:30 AM

I think you are doing things in a good way Brett. It's good to see you are actively finding out if he's OK, yet letting your brother "do his own thing". That's the best you can do until he proves he wants to try something different.

Greg

brettw22

01-12-2010, 11:43 AM

To the point that others have made that there needs to be no one to sponge off of.....I don't know that will ever happen. His entire life has been making the rounds of friends/family (never me with the past month exception) and he always seems to find someone to stay with (now a sober person that's been through the rehab he went to).

I know he wants better. While he was at my place he applied for school funding for art school (photography) and I think that's the first time he actually had a plan started to accomplish what he wanted. He'll never be a rigidly structured type of person (severe resentment for being locked down by 10 years probation for breaking into cars when he was kicked out of the house when he was 17 and forging checks, etc) and he doesn't want any job that would dictate to him how he can be (sometimes I hear him talk and I just want to punch him in the face).

His choices have dictated he have a rough life, and it's difficult to have to kick him out knowing that really for the first time ever, he had actively done a few things to move towards his goal of being independent.

I have a voicemail message that he left on Saturday night (after his initial drunk texting of the law recognizing him as a resident) that is the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life. I don't think I've ever cried to the point of getting a migraine because I was in tears every time just the thought of this situation popped into my head. I had to call my boss and ask them if they could find someone else to fill in for my trip next week. I'm embarrassed to let personal stuff enter work stuff, but I have to make sure that all is well at home before I stay gone for as much as I will be coming up soon. If i could upload a voicemail from Verizon I'd do that.....

Anyways, I'm planning on meeting up with him on Saturday to see how he's doing. Should be interesting to see how he's done this week.