THE joke thread

There once was a farmer that had a horny pet rooster named "Rooster Booster". He used Rooster Booster to breed with the hens to produce as many eggs as possible. Once all the hens were knocked up, Rooster Booster became even more horny. He began screwing the cows, pigs, ducks, and any animal that didn't move.

The farmer came out and told Rooster Booster; "What the hell is wrong with you, POS rooster??!!! If you keep this up and you are gonna die from heart failure!" Rooster Booster yelled out, "F*ck you! You old bastard...I am gonna keep on going until I die!" Rooster Booster kept on pouncing on farm animal after farm animal.

One day later on that week, at about high noon, the farmer came out side to find Rooster Booster lying on the ground still and lifeless with a vulture circling above. He yelled out, "I told you! It finally caught up with you, f*cker!" The loud voice of the farmer, scared the vulture away from his would be meal. At that instant, Rooster Booster jumped up off the ground and began choking the farmer. Rooster Booster said "You jackass, look what you've done! I almost had him until you came your loud a$$ out here!" :D

A man walking down the beach saw another man coming the other way. He had gorgeous women all around him, a body with muscles rippling all over, but a head the size of a softball.

The man stops him and asks, “what’s with the beautiful women, awesome body, and such a small head?”

The man replies, “I was walking down the beach and ran into a beautiful mermaid. She told me that since I found her I could have 3 wishes. For my first wish I asked for a great body. For my second, I wanted beautiful women around me at all times”. As I looked as this beautiful creature, I thought it would be a unique experience to have sex with her. When I asked her she told me that she couldn’t because she was a fish from the waist down, so I asked her, “Ok, then how about a little head?”

There was once a kingdom full of ugly women, and only one woman was beautiful. This woman was royalty. Other than the king, were threeother men that all had bodily handicaps, but the king was old and needed someone to take his place on the throne.
The only way he could decide who his daughter would marry, was to assign the three men a task. The king stated that whoever could bring back the most ping pong balls could marry his daughter. They all agreed to it and left out on the quest.
Weeks later the three men returned. The first man was blind and could only aquire 1,000 ping pong balls. The next man was mute and had no tongue. He entered the royal throne room, and had about 10,000 ping pong balls. The king was very impressed by this feat. He thought for sure that the mute guy had won. Finally the deaf guy came into the room and he had to be helped in by two guards. He was bruised and bloody, as if he been in the fight of his life. Just as he made it to the kings throne, he dropped a large plastic bag with something heavy in it at the kings feet. The king jumped up off the throne and said, "What is this??!! Where are your ping pong balls?!" The deaf man said, "What?" the king said, "Ping pong balls? Where are they?" The deaf man said, "Oh sh*t! Ping pong balls!, I thought you said King Kong Balls!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by landry_p2000

There was once a kingdom full of ugly women, and only one woman was beautiful. This woman was royalty. Other than the king, were threeother men that all had bodily handicaps, but the king was old and needed someone to take his place on the throne.
The only way he could decide who his daughter would marry, was to assign the three men a task. The king stated that whoever could bring back the most ping pong balls could marry his daughter. They all agreed to it and left out on the quest.
Weeks later the three men returned. The first man was blind and could only aquire 1,000 ping pong balls. The next man was mute and had no tongue. He entered the royal throne room, and had about 10,000 ping pong balls. The king was very impressed by this feat. He thought for sure that the mute guy had won. Finally the deaf guy came into the room and he had to be helped in by two guards. He was bruised and bloody, as if he been in the fight of his life. Just as he made it to the kings throne, he dropped a large plastic bag with something heavy in it at the kings feet. The king jumped up off the throne and said, "What is this??!! Where are your ping pong balls?!" The deaf man said, "What?" the king said, "Ping pong balls? Where are they?" The deaf man said, "Oh sh*t! Ping pong balls!, I thought you said King Kong Balls!"

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classic... ;)

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole.
He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the
side

of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this
little
guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside

him.

"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I

am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt
you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says ""Well, he was a nice
enough

guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give
him
the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a
great
golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the
same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up
and
hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.

When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is
doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your

money is holding out?"

"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I

pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how
is
your sex life?"

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once
or
twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad
for a

Catholic priest in a small parish."

There was this married couple, and the husband had trouble keeping an erection, so he could never satify his wife. They tried everything they could to make things better sexually between them. After years of being unsatified, the wife took a chance and cheated on the husband. She wanted to leave him, but he was the CEO of a major corporation so he was loaded with money.

The postman would come by everyday and he was a handsome bachelor that also worked as a stripper at night for extra money. One day while the husband was at work, the postman came by. The wife heard him at the door, and came to the door with a sexy nighty on. Without saying a word, the two went at it. Every day this went on for about two months straight.

The husband noticed the difference in his wifes behavior and became suspicious. One Friday, he left work at lunchtime, and rushed home. When he got home, the mail truck was parked in front of his house. When he shut the car door, his wife heard it and they jumped up out of bed and ran around frantically looking for a place to hide the mailman.

Having money and all, the couple had a huge house, with a large ledge over the front door. This was the only place they could think of so the postman jumped up on the ledge, butt naked with his post office uniform in hand. Just as the husband got to the door the wife met him with a nervous expression on her face. "Honey! What a pleasant surprise! What are you doing home?" said the wife. She shut the door behind her and in the process of doing so, she shut the postmans balls, which were hanging down, in the top of the door.

While they were talking, the husband looked up and noticed the strange objects sticking out of the top of his front door. He asked his wife, "What is that?" in a curious voice. She hastily explained that those were new door bell chimes that had to be sounded with a hammer. So, the husband wanted to try out these new bells, and he went to the car, opened the trunk, and got a ball pen hammer out. He walked back over to the front door and tapped the bells softly. Nothing happened. He said "Hmmm that's strange." He tapped a little harder this time, and nothing. He asked his wife what was wrong, why didn't the doorbells work. She said "hit it harder" and just as he drew his arm back to give the bells a good whack, a voice from inside the house yelled out, "DING DONG! MUTHA F*CKA! DING DONG! :D

Mujibar was trying to get into America legally through Immigration.
The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter America."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, "Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at AOL on the Help Desk.

OK...time for me to contribute


The battle of the sexes continues ...

HE SAID ... SHE SAID

He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the money.

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault - I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

He said... If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.
She said... Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too.

He said... Two inches more, and I would be king.
She said... Two inches less, and you'd be a queen.

On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.

He said... Every time women look at me, they can't help thinking of sex.
She said... Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick.

He said... Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said... That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with her at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car any more."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I, the car only has 50,000 miles on it."

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mummy almost died this morning".

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

Great Phrases for Work

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Ahhh ... I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again ...

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication

Are you a ****ing ray of sunshine every day?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

A California man decides to have a big party and has flyers printed. The flyer reads "Themed Costume Party! Come as a Human Emotion" and has them distributed.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy dressed in green shorts, covered in green body paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".

The next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman wearing a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".

A moment later, the doorbell rings and the host opens the door to find two guys from New York, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is shocked and says, "Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for running around like that. What kind of emotions are these supposed to be anyway?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm f**king discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair."

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the
American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo
yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!" :eek:

A guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender that he can whistle out his ass.
The bartender says " no freakin' way" -
The guy says, no seriously, for a pitcher of beer I'll whistle out any tune you request -
Bartender says, okay whistle dixie for me -
Guy gets up & drops his drawers and proceeds to take a **** on the bar.
Bartender starts shouting, Hey what the **** are you doing?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!
The guy says, Sorry just clearin' my throat........ :D :D :D

A guy walks into this Jazz bar with an octopus under his arm. The bartender says, “Hey man, what’s with the squid?” The guy sets the squid on the bar and says, “This here squid, he's a wonder, a gifted wonder! He can play any musical instrument you give him and play it well!” The bartender says, “Man, I think your drunk!”

A musician overhears this, comes up and drops $50 on the bar in front of the squid and says, “Lets see him play my sax.” The squid picks up the sax, turns it over and over studying it, and plays ‘Something Else’ sounding just like Ornette Coleman. The bar patrons are moved to tears. The sax player, wiping his eyes, says, “Truly amazing, worth every penny I bet and lost!”

Another musician approaches and drops $50 in front of the squid and says, “Lets see him play this trumpet!” The squid picks up the trumpet, turns it from side to side looking it over, pumps the valves, and blows ‘Streamin’ sounding just like Miles Davis. There isn’t a dry eye in the place. The horn player, wiping his eyes, says “Truly amazing, worth every penny I bet and lost!”

The bartender scoffs, opens a door and walks into a back room. He comes back with this old dusty set of bagpipes. The bartender shakes the dust off, flops $100 on the counter, smiles and says, “Lets see him play this!” The squids eye opens wide, it’s tentacles drumming on the bar! It picks up the bagpipes and turns them over and over again. It starts sweating and nervously scratches it’s head while his tentacles fumble over every inch of the bagpipes.

The guy that brought the squid in leans over and whispers “Hey, what’s with you? You’re making us look bad and were going to lose the 100 bucks we made! Play the dumb thing already!” The squid says, “Play it hell! Once I figure out how to get the pajama's off I'm gonna screw the hell out of it!”

A guy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been having sex out of wedlock 3 times a week with Pootey Green.
The priest tells the guy," This is not so horrible, go and say 6 Hail Mary's and all will be forgiven".
The next day another guy comes in to confessional and tells the priest that he has been having sex out of wedlock 2 times a week with Pootey Green. The priest now intrigued as to who this Pootey Green is, tells the man, "Say 4 Hail Mary's and you will be forgiven".
The next sunday just before mass is about to start a gorgeous blonde walks into the church wearing a stunning green dress, emerald earings and green sparkly shoes. The priest and alter boy's all take notice as she walks to the front of the church and has a seat, spreading her legs slightly, revealing that she is wearing no underwear.
The priest excitedly whispers to the nearest alter boy. " Is that Pootey Green?"

The alter boy answers, " No I think it is just the reflection off of her shoes."

Chip went to a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber was foaming him up, Chip mentioned the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," said the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

Chip placed the ball in his mouth and received the closest shave he had ever experienced.

After a few strokes, Chip asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," replied the barber,"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

Some of these are pretty damn funny but I'm a little amazed justin or anyone else hasn't stepped in at all with the racial stuff. I personally don't care and have a sick sense of humor but I know some people do get offended by it.

A guy in a bar stands up and shouts, "Lawyers are *******s!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouts back "I resent that!"

The first guy asks, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an *******."

The Fence

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned
against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there
again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth
listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their
way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the
old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly
amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but
that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

Man finds a lamp…. (all that genie stuff). The genie tells him he has 3 wishes, but what ever he wishes for his mother-in-law gets twice. For his first wish the man asks for $100 million dollars. Ok, the genie replies, but you mother-in-law get $200 million. For my second wish I want to star in an academy award-winning movie. Ok, the genie replies, but you mother-in-law will be in 2. The man thinks hard for his third wish and finial asks, “for my third wish….. beat me half to death”.

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint
of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and
starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now" "Yes, I
remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a
martyr now, though" mum confides.

"Oh so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly
hair when he was born."

He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18,"
she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he first
started school."

"He's a martyr, also" says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

The male perspective -


The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I golf.

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting
in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate
against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,
reland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed
important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door
neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the
pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on
my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr.
Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us
some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac
asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and
Murphy's farm tractor."


Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to one hundred
fifty-thousand since we last spoke."


"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get
back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr.
Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light
with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the
Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100
bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by
laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke,
I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to
ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o'
the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that
we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a
bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we
can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

Why I'm a republican...
http://tinypic.com/ajuxyp.jpg



Remember folks...its a joke in the joke thread...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Frank Z

Remember folks...its a joke in the joke thread...

---

Yes it is a joke, but a darn good one. ;)

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks.
He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home
when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like
hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting
license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked
up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from
Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license,
boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting
license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the
second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck.
This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting
license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its
butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from Georgia.
You got a Georgia huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Georgia
hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled
at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said
"You're the expert, you tell me!"

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The guy is dumbfounded!! Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea!"

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?" Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie
for his wife.

He is shown several items that range from $250 to $500. The more
sheer, the more expensive. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the
$500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on
and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, " I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling
naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at
least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is Friday.