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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #1201

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    Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
    One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
    No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"
    One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
    Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

  2. #1202

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    *_Ear Infection_*



    This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing..

    There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong
    with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

    A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

    The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

    There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

    The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered..

    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter ..
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  3. #1203

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    An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

    The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

    A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

    The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise.

    The gentleman said, “Great, I'll take it!“ And he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

    The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

    The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

    The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  4. #1204

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    An old farmer in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice. There were some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

    The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

    Moral of the story: Old men may move slow, but they can think fast.
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  5. #1205

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    Jamaican Sandals

    While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store. The Salesman said to them, 'I have some very special Jamaican sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you a wild man and make you feel oh so sexy."

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

    The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

    With a broad smile the Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

    So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican saleman, kissed him violently over and over again, ripped off the salesman shirt, ripped his own shirt off, and grabbed the salesman in a passionate embrace.

    The Jamaican then began screaming, "Stop mon stop... You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  6. #1206

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    Oldie but goldie... hehehe


    Tickle Me Elmo:

    There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

    The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

    Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am .

    The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
    The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
    He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
    The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself,
    so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
    When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor
    and they're really beginning to pile up.

    At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
    She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

    The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
    wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

    The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
    After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
    'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
    'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

    'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  7. #1207

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    A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

    The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?


    'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  8. #1208

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    Default The Blonde Mortician (borrowed from our Canadian Forum)!

    A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

    The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

    The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

    The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

    She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

    'There's no charge,' she says.

    'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..

    'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

    'So I just switched the heads.'

  9. #1209

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    Here’s a note to any potential Cabinet members: You have until April 15th to not pay your taxes.

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    President Obama met with the foreign minister of China at the White House on Thursday. Everyone agreed that the visit was long overdue. Barack Obama has been president of the United States for seven weeks, it's about time he met with the owners.

  11. #1211

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    Quote Originally Posted by average_guy View Post
    President Obama met with the foreign minister of China at the White House on Thursday. Everyone agreed that the visit was long overdue. Barack Obama has been president of the United States for seven weeks, it's about time he met with the owners.
    :D:p

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    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

    " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

    " That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

    " That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

    " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

    " That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

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    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

    " Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

    " That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

    " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

    " It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

    "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

  14. #1214

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    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

    Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

    Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

  15. #1215

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    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

    The man said, 'I do, Father.'

    The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

    Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
    'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

    'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

    Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

    O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

    The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

    O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

  16. #1216

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    Paddy was in New York .
    He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
    He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
    After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

  17. #1217

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    An Irish priest is driving down from Boston to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .

    The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

    He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

    'Just water,' says the priest.

    The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

    The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

  18. #1218

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    Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

    As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

    A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
    Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
    He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

    In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
    She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

    Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

    'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

  19. #1219

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    Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.

    "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked.

    "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.

    "Ah, praise The Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

  20. #1220

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    Mary O'Rourke likes to take a lover during the day while her husband is at work. One day her 9 year old son comes home from school unexpectedly, so she puts the boy in the closet and shuts the door. A few minutes later Mr. O'Rourke also comes home unexpectedly, so she shoves her lover into the same closet with her son.

    A few moments pass and then little boy says quietly, "It's dark in here." The man says, "That it is, lad." The boy then says - "I have a skateboard."

    Man: That's nice.
    Boy: Do you want to buy it?
    Man: Um, no thanks.
    Boy: My Dad's right outside.
    Man: How much for the skateboard?
    Boy: 500 quid.
    Man: Done.

    A few weeks later it happens again, and once more the boy and the lover are in the closet togeether.

    Boy: It's dark in here.
    Man: Yes, lad, it is that.
    Son: I have a skateboard helmet.
    Man: (sighing) How much?
    Boy: 200 quid.
    Man: Fine.

    A few days later the Mr. O'Rourke asks his son to show him how well he rides his skateboard.
    His son says, "I can't. I sold my skateboard and helmet."
    Mr O'Rourke: Sold them did you? Well how much did you get5 for them?
    Boy: About 700 quid.
    Mr. O'Rourke: What? 700 quid! That's way more than those things cost! You shouldn't be ripping your friends off like that! I'm taking you to church and you'll confess to this sin.

    Mr. O'Rourke and the boy went immdiately to the church, whereupon the father pushes the boy into the confessional and closes the door.

    Boy: It's dark in here.
    Priest: Don't you dare start with crap again, boy.

  21. #1221

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    At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

    The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie. The curator of the gallery realized they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

    He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

    After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is *really* about?”

    “Now why on earth would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator at the gallery?” asked the couple.

    “Because I’m the guy who painted it!” he replied. Lowering his voice conspiratorially, he told them, "In fact, there's not a single African-American in that painting."

    [wait for it...]


    They’re just three Irish coal-miners."

    "The gent in the middle went home for lunch.”

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    An Irishman, a Frenchman and an American go into a pub for a drink. The American orders a pint of ale, the Frenchman a glass of wine and the Irishman orders a glass of whiskey. Not long after the bartender delivers their drinks, the American notices a fly in his beer. Dipping his fingers into his beer, he fishes out the fly, flings it to the ground and orders another beer.

    The Frenchman soon notices that there is a fly in his wine. Digustedly, he pushes his glass away and orders a replacement.

    Moments later, the Irishman notices a fly in his whiskey. He gently scooped up the fly between two fingers, lifted it out of the glass and said, "Spit it out ya little bastard!"

  23. #1223

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    Paddy walks into a corner pub. The bartender says, "You must be new in town. I've never seen you in here before."



    Paddy: "I just moved here. I'd like three ales please."



    The bartender give him one.



    Paddy: "No, I'd like three at one time."



    Bartender: "Why do you do that?"



    Paddy: "My two brothers and I agreed to do that to keep up our tradition of drinking together."



    About a month later, Paddy walks in and orders only two beers.



    The bartender: "Oh, my condolences on your brother's passing."



    Paddy: "He's not dead. I just quit drinking."

  24. #1224

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    Quote Originally Posted by PhantomOG View Post
    Anywhoo...

    Saw this on another forum. An old Calvin and Hobbes that is eerily relevant to current events.

    This must have been taylored for the BIG3, felt like I was actually reading the latest news on the BIG3's comedy :p

  25. #1225

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    Default Know your Canadian guess!

    Gratefully posted at DHC by Larry on the humor forum (in the US they talk about joke while in Canada we talk about humor ;) )

    You may live in Canada if.....

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    What Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians:

    If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
    September through May,
    You may live in Canada.

    If someone in a Home Depot store
    Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
    With someone who dialed a wrong number,
    You may live in Canada .

    If 'Vacation' means going anywhere
    South of Detroit for the weekend,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you measure distance in hours,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you know several people
    Who have hit a deer more than once,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'
    In the same day and back again,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow
    During a raging blizzard without flinching,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you install security lights on your house and garage,
    But leave both unlocked,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you carry jumper cables in your car
    And your wife knows how to use them,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you design your kid's Halloween costume
    To fit over a snowsuit,
    You may live in Canada .

    If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --
    You're going 90 and everybody is passing you,
    You may live in Canada .

    If driving is better in the winter
    Because the potholes are filled with snow,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you know all 4 seasons:
    Almost winter, winter, still winter,
    And road construction,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you have more miles
    On your snow blower than your car,
    You may live in Canada .

    If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly',
    You may live in Canada .

    If you actually understand these jokes,
    And forward them to all
    Your Canadian friends & others,
    You definitely live in Canada .

  26. #1226

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    A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

    "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

    "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

    "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."

    "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

    He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip when he left , but while he was gone I learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. When he called he claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money".

    "So I did."
    Last edited by average_guy; 03-26-2009 at 02:01 AM.

  27. #1227

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    Default

    Awesome joke. Only, last time I read it, it was a Porsche.

    But I really like the newer style Avalanche, so I'll go with it. :)
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
    My Saga
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  28. #1228

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    Default Martian sex

    The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
    accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

    They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
    things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop
    computers, how they make money, etc.

    Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

    'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

    The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

    A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
    for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male
    Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
    teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch
    thick.

    'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

    'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

    'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

    'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
    palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
    quite impressively long.

    'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

    'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
    his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
    extremely exciting to the woman.

    'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

    The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
    separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any
    good?'

    'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

    'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept
    slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'



    REGARDS SNOW

  29. #1229

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    Quote Originally Posted by audiobliss View Post
    Awesome joke. Only, last time I read it, it was a Porsche.

    But I really like the newer style Avalanche, so I'll go with it. :)
    I thought I had heard that joke before as well. Jokes are probably where the idea for recycling was hatched....

  30. #1230

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    Default

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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