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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #1231

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    its just a joke so no hate mail or anything



    On November 4th, election day, How come Barack Obamo took such a big early lead in the polls?
    .
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    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .


    Because all the white people were at work..
    Last edited by jkacura39; 04-04-2009 at 04:24 PM.

  2. #1232

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    Default This is brutal but I'm posting it because I have no shame....

    A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
    "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
    "Do you think it will work?" she asks.
    "It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
    After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
    "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
    "You gave birth to a child!".
    "But that's impossible!" says the priest.
    "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
    About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
    "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
    "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
    "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

  3. #1233

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    A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her: "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

    The lady asks: "How do I do it without surgery?"

    "Just rub toilet paper between them."

    Startled the lady asks: "How does that make them bigger?"

    "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
    -izafar

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  4. #1234

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    1. Teaching Maths In 1970

    A logger sells a lorry load of timber for $1000.
    His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
    What is his profit?

    2. Teaching Maths In 1980

    A logger sells a lorry load of timber for $1000.
    His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or $800.
    What is his profit?

    3. Teaching Maths In 1990
    A logger sells a lorry load of timber for $1000.
    His cost of production is $800.
    Did he make a profit?

    4. Teaching Maths In 2000

    A logger sells a lorry load of timber for $1000.
    His cost of production is $800 and his profit is $200.
    Your assignment: Underline the number 200.

    5. Teaching Maths In 2008
    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
    He does this so he can make a profit of $200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
    Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
    If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)
    "If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year Only two Banks will be operational, the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank. Then these 2 banks will merge and it will be called 'The Bloody ****ing Bank'"

  5. #1235

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    carpenter

    How true and sad.

  6. #1236

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    Two tards. Sad not funny. Most lumber comes from managed forests.
    Go huge a tree.
    Please. Please contact me a ben62670 @ yahoo.com. Make sure to include who you are, and you are from Polk so I don't delete your email. Also I am now physically unable to work on any projects. If you need help let these guys know. There are many people who will help if you let them know where you are.
    Thanks
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  7. #1237

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    Two Irishmen were digging a ditch across from a brothel, and one noticed a Rabbi walk into the place. One said to the other, "It's a sad day when men of the cloth walk into a place like that." After a little while, the other man saw a minister walk into the brothel. He stood up and said to his partner, "Did ya see that? It's no wonder the children today are so confused with the example that the clergy are setting for them." After about another hour, the first man saw a Catholic priest walk in. He promptly stood up and proclaimed to his partner. "Aw that is truly sad. One of the poor lassies must be dying."

  8. #1238

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jkacura39 View Post
    its just a joke so no hate mail or anything



    on november 4th, election day, how come barack obamo took such a big early lead in the polls?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .


    Because all the white people were at work..
    reported!!
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    ;)

  9. #1239

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    Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

    Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

    One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

    As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

    As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt naked and holding his 'you know what' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'not that damn breathalyzer test again!

  10. #1240

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    a man walks into a bar.... he notices a large gorilla sitting on a stool at the end of the bar, so he askes the bartender, "whats with the gorilla?" , the bartender say's "watch this", and proceeds to whack the gorilla on the head with a baseball bat, the gorilla promptly hops off the stool and begins to give the bartender a blow job, when the gorilla is done the bartender asks the patron "do you want to give it a try?" the patron replies "okay, but just don't hit me that hard".
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  11. #1241

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    What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?







    Dr. Dre.
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    2 CH
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  12. #1242

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    A blonde takes her blouse to the dry cleaners.

    The cleaning lady says "Come again"

    The blonde retorts "No it's toothpaste"
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  13. #1243

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    A couple is out on drive but end up in a fight... the husband says, "I can't understand how you can be so beautiful and dumb at the same time...."

    Wifey responds, "God made me beautiful so you'd be attracted to me, and he made me dumb so I'd be attracted to you...."

    further down the road, they drive by a pig farm... the husband says, "relatives?"

    She replies, "yes, my inlaws..."

    so they finally end up at home. Now they not even talking, so he writes a note and puts it on her pillow, "wake me up at 5:00 am so I do not miss my morning flight to Chicago"

    The next morning, he wakes at 6:30 and he missed the flight. Furious, he finds a note pinned to his pillow, "Wake up... it's 5:00am""

  14. #1244

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    MOMS IN GROUP THERAPY

    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

    To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

    He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

    He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."


    At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

  15. #1245

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    ARCHAEOLOGISTS

    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed in California , an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

    One week later, The Sentinel, a local newspaper in Tennessee , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near the Tennessee River, near Nashville , TN., Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught
    archaeologist and graduate of Tennessee Tech University , reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 Years ago, Tennessee had already gone wireless."
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  16. #1246

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    Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and
    I said to her,

    "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
    on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.

    That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever
    happens, just pull the plug."

    So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out
    my wine.


    She's such a bitch.
    Last edited by phoneisbusy; 06-21-2009 at 07:05 PM. Reason: Speling
    Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.

  17. #1247
    ZERO Threshold of Hearing
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    Default Regular Blind customer at a store....

    A blind man with dog who frequently go to this store. Everyone knows this guy and his helpful dog. The manager know him very well and had assisted him often but one day the blind guy came in the store. The manager was busy with other customer and will help him in a few minutes. While helping the customer, he noticed that people are walking to the blind guy and people reacted weird. He looked for the blind guy, he immediately saw the dog swinging in the air, the blind guy hold the tail and contiuned to swinging his dog clockwise. The manager was very shocked and said what the hell , walked to him and asked him what are you doing? The blind guy answered his question, "Hi there, oh im just looking around the store"
    I am 100% BORN DEAF and No I am not kidding! :D Why am I here? My wife's hearing! :p

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  18. #1248

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    Benny had been in the stockbrokerage business for 25 years.

    Finally, sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

    After about six months of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and a large, bearded man was standing there.

    "Name's Jacques, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a New Years party Friday night...thought you might like to come. About 5."

    "Great", says Benny, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

    As Jacques left, he stopped. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

    "Not a problem" says Benny. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

    Again, the small man started to leave and stopped. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin', too."

    "Well, I get along with people; I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

    "More'n likely be some wild sex, too!"

    "Now that's really not a problem," says Benny, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

    "Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."

  19. #1249

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    Default go cubbies! lol

    Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a
    walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a
    storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing
    the blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men
    looked around in amazement.
    "What do you suppose is going on?" one asked.
    "Only thing I can figure," the other said, "is
    that the Cubs won the World Series."
    Last edited by nooshinjohn; 06-30-2009 at 02:23 PM.
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  20. #1250

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    you speak English?
    - Yes!
    - Name?
    - Abdul al-Rhazib.
    - Sex?
    - Three to five times a week.
    - No, no...I mean male or female?
    - Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
    - Holy cow!
    - Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
    - But isn't that hostile?
    - Horse style, doggy style, free style, any style!
    - Oh dear!
    - No, no! Deer run too fast...
    "If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year Only two Banks will be operational, the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank. Then these 2 banks will merge and it will be called 'The Bloody ****ing Bank'"

  21. #1251

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    Default

    A Louisiana businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.

    He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except the Voodoo Penis!'

    The husband said 'The what?'

    The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis.'

    The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

    The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door!'

    The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. 'Voodoo Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

    The husband immediately bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis.

    She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.'

    The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.

    Her husband had neglected to tell her how to send it back to its box!

    So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

    On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

    He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

    Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got a Voodoo Penis stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

    The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!'

    The rest, as they say, is history.

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  22. #1252

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    Two little potatoes are standing
    On the street corner. One is a
    Prostitute.

    How can you tell which one is the prostitute?


    It's the one with the little sticker that says...

    I - DA - HO



    REGARDS SNOW

  23. #1253

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    Does anybody know who is on David Letterman tonight?
    2 Ch.
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  24. #1254

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    Little Johnny saunters into the local brothel one day, dragging a dead frog on a string. He says to the madam "I'd like to rent one of your girls please." The madam chuckles and says "Sonny, we don't serve kids here, sorry"
    Johnny whips out a hundred dollar bill and puts it on the counter, and the madam says "...well I guess I can make an exception" Johnny says "Wait!, I need a girl with Herpes."
    The Madam says "Sorry, all my girls are clean." So Johnny whips out another hundo, to which the madam replies "now that I think about it, there is one girl..."
    So she escorts Johnny upstairs, and he comes back down a few minutes later with a big ole grin, still dragging the dead frog on a string. As he is about to leave, the madam stops him, because she just HAS to know why this boy WANTED to catch herpes.
    Johnny says "Well, When I get home, I'm gonna give the herpes to my babysitter, and when dad drives the babysitter home, she'll give it to him, he'll come home and give it to mom, and then tomorrow, mom will give it to the mailman, and he's the sumbitch that ran over my frog"

  25. #1255

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    Quote Originally Posted by Norm Apter View Post
    Does anybody know who is on David Letterman tonight?
    I heard no one,..... He likes to be on top.:D

  26. #1256

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    Default The Cowboy

    An old cowboy sat down at the local coffe shop and ordered a cup of coffee.
    As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

    She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

    He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

    She said, 'Well, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, another young lady sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

  27. #1257

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    Default

    What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

    A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.
    Please. Please contact me a ben62670 @ yahoo.com. Make sure to include who you are, and you are from Polk so I don't delete your email. Also I am now physically unable to work on any projects. If you need help let these guys know. There are many people who will help if you let them know where you are.
    Thanks
    Ben

  28. #1258

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    Default

    *clears throat*
    In search of accurate reproduction of music. Real sound is my reference and while perfection may not be attainable? If I chase it, I might just catch excellence.

    The best way to enjoy digital music reproduction is to never listen to good analogue reproduction.

  29. #1259
    Banned
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    Default Perfect football outing

    Four guys spend weeks planning the perfect football outing for an away
    game between the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Texas Longhorns.

    Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and
    tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go,
    but what can they do?

    On game day, two days later, the three get to the stadium site only to
    find Frank already sitting in his seat with a beer in one hand and a hot dog
    in the other.

    "Man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting
    you go?"

    "Well, I've been here since yesterday. The other evening, I was sitting in
    my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and
    said 'guess who'?"

    I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through
    nightie. She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen
    candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She
    told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, and so I did.

    And then she said "Now, do whatever you want."

    So here I am!!!

  30. #1260

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    Default

    It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
    turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
    children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
    dismissal.

    Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
    leave early today."

    Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
    and will answer the question."

    Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

    Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

    Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

    Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

    Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

    Johnny is even madder than before.

    Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

    Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

    Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

    Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
    questions.

    When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
    keep their mouths shut!"

    The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

    Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
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