THE joke thread

[NotaSuv]

2 pretzels are walking down the street


one was assulated...............

[Knucklehead]

How are Tiger Woods and Santa different?


Santa stops at 3 ho's!

[average_guy]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.


Anyway.... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her, "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."


The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"


The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.


There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."


She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"


The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."


To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"


The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy . . . just follow the yellow dick Toad!"

[average_guy]

What has 75 balls and excites older women???
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BINGO!!

[del44]

How do you get an 80 year old woman to say the "F" word?

Have another 80 year old woman yell Bingo.

[average_guy]

How do you get an 80 year old woman to say the "F" word?

Have another 80 year old woman yell Bingo.

:p:p:p:p:p:p:p:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[jgido759]

19 Random Observations To Ponder

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. :D

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my video collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever..

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than with Kay.

[audiobliss]

Those are great!!

[jon s]

Blonde Password...

During a recent password audit, management discovered a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.

[carpenter]

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the limo hits it full on, and the
car comes to a stop.

Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out
and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead - but
it was old.

"You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," Nancy orders.

Two hours later,the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled, and
with a big grin on his face.

"Good golly, what happened to you?" asks Nancy. The chauffeur replies,
"When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey,
the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say to deserve all that?" asks Nancy.

The chauffeur replied: "Well, I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

[BlueMDPicker]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[Knucklehead]

^^^hehe^^^

[jojomgee]

what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe........





ROBERTO.....LOL.....wow that sucks

[Tony M]

Sweet Tea

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk,
just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk,
I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[hearingimpared]

Sweet Tea

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk,
just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk,
I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Oh baby that I can relate to, except for the drunk and beating part!:D

[Tony M]

My problem was I, and I mean I, had to have or say the last word and my wife wanted to have the same. We never drank since we met, but that still didn't stop us in the begining from having some doosies.

[Tony M]

A TRUE STORY FROM NORTH CAROLINA .

At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces,
"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar."

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of
Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.



After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday!!"

[virtualdean]

allrighty then, since none of you other bastards wann play:D

Grown-Up Words

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the ****."

Now that's Funny!!! :D:D

[virtualdean]

Okay, this one's borderline...but if you don't laugh at this then you are without a soul

Ranger In Danger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE!

good one!

[FiveORacing]

What Tiger Woods learned in Sexual Addiction Rehab:

10 rules for men to follow

for a happy life



1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.

2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.

3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.

4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.

5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.

6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.

7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.

9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.

10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.

[Bedpan]

Yesterday (4/20), a black guy wished me "happy holiday!"

[Polkapops]

Honestly just happened........

I asked my wife (who happens to be blond) if I should post a particular joke to the site - She peeked her head around the corner with a wrinkled forehead and a question mark look on her face.......

"I don't get it - Why would you TOAST a joke???"

......not lying......can't make **** like this up........

[geoffr]

Guy goes into a restaurant, sits down and studies the menu. He calls the waitress over and asks "What is the soup du jour?". She replies "wait, I'll find out". She goes into the kitchen, returns and says "That's soup of the day".

[ben62670]

Coyote problem


The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally an old fellow in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here . . . these coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep . . . they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order . .

[Osarion]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work at Wal-Mart. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped,the driver got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, since she had been following him for a long time.

She said she was fine and told him her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was fine with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Kmart next.

[ben62670]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about
to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl......"

[jflail2]

Posted elsewhere:

Q.) How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?







A.) It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it...

[warren]

Subject: Tough Motorcyclist
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about
to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl......"

[bikezappa]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

[skipf]

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I
ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog
in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his
mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the
frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without
getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Makers Mark
and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes
rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake
without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was
that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.