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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #1291

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    Love it Skip!
    Please. Please contact me a ben62670 @ yahoo.com. Make sure to include who you are, and you are from Polk so I don't delete your email. Also I am now physically unable to work on any projects. If you need help let these guys know. There are many people who will help if you let them know where you are.
    Thanks
    Ben

  2. #1292

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    Two good ole boys were out hunting when they came across a large hole in the ground. They looked at each other, and then peered over the edge. As they could not see the bottom, the first one spat into the hole, hoping to thereby judge the depth...No luck.

    The second one decided to toss a rock down the hole. They both cupped their ear and waited and waited. . ...and waited. Again, they had no luck.

    "What we need is something really heavy"; the first one proclaimed. "Yeah, we do"; agreed the second.

    So they looked around the field and finally found an old rusty tractor transmission. As they dragged it towards the hole, both were huffing and puffing with the exertion of its weight. Finally they managed to position it near the edge of the hole, and heaved it in.

    As they stood listening for it to hit bottom, a goat came crashing out of the brush--running full blast--and jumped head first into the hole.

    Just as they were looking at each other and scratching their heads, a farmer appeared from the wood line. The Farmer asked; "Have either of you boys seen my goat around here?"

    "Well, it's funny that you should ask, but a goat just came crashing out of yonder brush, runnin' an hunnert miles an hour, and jumped headfirst down this here hole!"

    "That is Impossible"; said the Farmer, "I had him chained to a transmission
    MrBigBlueLight
    Usually right, but sometimes not entirely factually correct.
    Shifting to Plan B

  3. #1293

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    TRUE STORY OF CAJUN VIEW ON TERRORIST TORTURE:

    Wayne Doucet, a City Counselor from Evangeline , Louisiana , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted thunderous applause from the audience and his ejection from the studio. What Councilman Doucet lacks in political correctness he makes up for with clarity.

    HIS STATEMENT:

    "If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Coonass's life, then I have only three things to say:
    Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are really wet."

    Courtesy of radio station: KVPI
    Ville Platte , LA.

  4. #1294

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    Default A Male Fairy Tale...

    A Male Fairy Tale:


    Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, NO !!!





    And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big tittyed broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate Spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up!





    The end

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  5. #1295

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    Dumb bloned goes to her doctors, He informs her that shes pregnant, she ask, IS IT MINE??????
    Not an Audiophile, just a dude who loves music, and decent gear to hear it with.

  6. #1296

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    Default Brunette

    A brunette goes to the doctor's office. When the doctor asks, "What's the problem?" the brunette says, "When I touch my knee here, it hurts! When I touch my elbow right here, it hurts! When I touch my neck here, it hurts! Everywhere I touch, it hurts!"

    The doctor continued to take some tests and then went off to another room to check the results.

    When the doctor came back into the room, the brunette asks, "Well, what did you find out?"

    "I found out two things," said the doctor. "First, you're not a natural brunette, you're a blonde. Second, you have a broken finger."

  7. #1297

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    Where the white man went wrong. Not much else to say.


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  8. #1298
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    A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and the bar keep sez, "Okay, I'll serve you tonight but don't start anything !".

  9. #1299

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    A young boy was walking down the street and came across a bottle. He rubbed the bottle and out came a genie, who offered him one wish. The young boy said, "I want to be like Batman!" So the genie killed his parents.
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  10. #1300

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    A girl is sitting at a bar. A guy walks up offers her a drink and says that she reminds him of his little toe. She says why because I'm little and cute. He replies no it's because I'm probably gonna be banging you on my coffee table.

  11. #1301

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    Quote Originally Posted by BrentMcGhee View Post
    I think that may have been a little overboard for this forum amulford.

    I am sure we all have our share of good jokes like that that we share with our friends but it get's kinda tricky when you start to post stuff like that on a forum and you not knowing who you telling the jokes to.

    Let's try and keep this thread from being shutdown, just use a little bit of discretion.

    HEHEHEHE....


    One day an elephant is walking through the forest. He steps on a giant thorn bush and gets a thorn in his foot. The elephant sits back and gasps at the idea of how long it would be there and how much it would hurt before it finally festers and comes out on its own.

    All of a sudden he sees a mouse scurrying along so he yells out... "Hey Mr.Mouse, If you get this thorn out of my foot I'll do anything!". The mouse ponders this idea for a bit and decides ok. The mouse hurries towards the thorn and plucks it out with absolute precision. The elephant is overjoyed at his new prospect on the next 10 months and all is good.

    The elephant says "Thank you so very much Mr. Mouse, what ever do you want?". The mouse replies "I want to do you in the rear". The elephant is a bit stunned but a deal was a deal and it was a mouse after all...How bad could it be?

    The mouse mounts up! Going to town and diggin it! All the while a monkey is in a tree watching all this in a fit of laughter. He throws his hands in the air and inadvertently knocks a limb out of the tree that promptly lands on the elephants head. The elephant yelps "ouch!" The mouse says "Take it all baby! Take it all!"

  12. #1302

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    Last night I played a blank cd at full blast. The mime next door went balistic.

  13. #1303

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    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs.

    Barkeep says, "what's the steering wheel for?"

    Pirate says, "ARGGHHHH! It's driving me nuts!"

  14. #1304

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    Guy walks into a bar. OUCH!!! Just reporting the spam above
    Quote Originally Posted by Timothy Smith View Post
    WOW!

    That's like working your way through Katie Perry in order to get to Rosie O'Donnell.

  15. #1305

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    Default Entitlements and what they provide for our country.

    A sweet old couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex
    therapist's office.

    The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

    The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

    The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
    elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

    When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely
    nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

    He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges
    them $50 and he says good bye.

    The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist
    to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

    This happens several weeks in a row.

    The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems,
    pays the doctor, then leave.

    Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm
    sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

    The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

    She's married; so we can't go to her house.

    I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

    The Holiday Inn charges $98.

    The Hilton charges $139.

    We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it,

    leaving my net cost of $7.

    Don't you just love those Government Entitlement programs?
    In search of accurate reproduction of music. Real sound is my reference and while perfection may not be attainable? If I chase it, I might just catch excellence.

    The best way to enjoy digital music reproduction is to never listen to good analogue reproduction.

  16. #1306

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    spoiler alert, jewish or catholic may be offended

    a priest and a rabbi are walking down the sidewalk. they see a small boy, the priest says to the rabbi, "should we f**k him?", and the rabbi says,"out of what?!"
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  17. #1307

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    Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

    The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

    The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people still happy with Obama?"
    Last edited by SDA1C; 02-04-2013 at 04:51 PM. Reason: sentence structure.

  18. #1308

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    Quote Originally Posted by SDA1C View Post
    Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

    The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

    The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people still happy with Obama?"
    +1 :)
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    most of my comments are passing on of info, im a noob, im just trying to help how i can, if im wrong or out of place to comment, dont hesitate to let me know :)

  19. #1309

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    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000.00

    His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

    It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing 10 grand, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you

    are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

    Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

    Don't you just love lawyers?
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  20. #1310

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    --Men are so sensitive
    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands at a prenatal health class.

    The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.

    Walking is especially beneficial.

    It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

    Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft

    surface like grass or a path."

    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to

    go walking with her.

    In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

    After a few moments a man, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

    "Yes?" said the instructor.

    "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag

    while we walk?"

    Kind of brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

    This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  21. #1311

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    Quote Originally Posted by decal View Post
    Don't you just love lawyers?
    Not really but while we are speaking of lawyers....Why are lawyers buried 6 feet deep?

    Because deep down, they are good people.
    In search of accurate reproduction of music. Real sound is my reference and while perfection may not be attainable? If I chase it, I might just catch excellence.

    The best way to enjoy digital music reproduction is to never listen to good analogue reproduction.

  22. #1312

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    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  23. #1313

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    Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Cal. Pistol
    What a gun!!
    This is a story of self control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.
    What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The Beretta Jetfire:
    While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!
    Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took... the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection.....
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  24. #1314

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    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and

    ... inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was

    that there was no after life at all.

    After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

    " Marion .... Marion "

    "Is that you, Bob?"

    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then

    it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun

    and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be

    proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then

    pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's

    back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I

    catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over

    again."

    "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

    "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.”
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  25. #1315

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    Financial Planning


    Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
    When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
    One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,
    "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

    Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  26. #1316

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    Stevie has a sense of humor !!!!!



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    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  27. #1317
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  28. #1318

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    Hilarious! good one

  29. #1319

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    hahahahaha

  30. #1320
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