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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #1321

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    Breaking Michigan Newsflash
    Police in Ann Arbor last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked Latino prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library.
    Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said: "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

  2. #1322

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    Quote Originally Posted by gdb View Post
    Breaking Michigan Newsflash
    Police in Ann Arbor last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked Latino prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library.
    Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said: "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."
    Sound like something Major Kong would say.

    “Survival kit contents check. In them you’ll find:
    - One forty-five caliber automatic
    - Two boxes of ammunition
    - Four days’ concentrated emergency rations
    - One drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills
    - One miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible
    - One hundred dollars in rubles
    - One hundred dollars in gold
    - Nine packs of chewing gum
    - One issue of prophylactics
    - Three lipsticks
    - Three pair of nylon stockings.
    "Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff!"

  3. #1323

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  4. #1324

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    A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.
    'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks
    'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

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    LMAO!! It's been a very long time since I've heard that joke! Couldn't remember it until I read yours! Thanks for the laugh!
    Quote Originally Posted by mrbigbluelight View Post
    Two good ole boys were out hunting when they came across a large hole in the ground. They looked at each other, and then peered over the edge. As they could not see the bottom, the first one spat into the hole, hoping to thereby judge the depth...No luck.

    The second one decided to toss a rock down the hole. They both cupped their ear and waited and waited. . ...and waited. Again, they had no luck.

    "What we need is something really heavy"; the first one proclaimed. "Yeah, we do"; agreed the second.

    So they looked around the field and finally found an old rusty tractor transmission. As they dragged it towards the hole, both were huffing and puffing with the exertion of its weight. Finally they managed to position it near the edge of the hole, and heaved it in.

    As they stood listening for it to hit bottom, a goat came crashing out of the brush--running full blast--and jumped head first into the hole.

    Just as they were looking at each other and scratching their heads, a farmer appeared from the wood line. The Farmer asked; "Have either of you boys seen my goat around here?"

    "Well, it's funny that you should ask, but a goat just came crashing out of yonder brush, runnin' an hunnert miles an hour, and jumped headfirst down this here hole!"

    "That is Impossible"; said the Farmer, "I had him chained to a transmission
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    Lipstick in Catholic School . . . According to a news report, a certain Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. . . . . There are teachers...... And then there are educators!!!

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    A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the
    Sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
    The pastor called on a little boy who raised his hand . . . and the boy said,
    "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours
    You're supposed to call the doctor."

  8. #1328

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    A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs... a green spot on the inside of each one.



    She tells the doctor, "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

    The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry.



    The tests come back a few days later and the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

    The doctor says, "Well, you're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem there. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"


    The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

    "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

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    LOGIC OF A BEER DRINKER





    -----













    DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:




    Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

    Man: Yes.

    Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

    Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

    Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

    Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

    Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

    Man: 15 years.

    Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

    Man: Correct.

    Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

    Man: Correct.

    Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

    Man: Do you drink?

    Lady Interviewer: No.

    Man: So where's your F@#%ing' Ferrari?
    --

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    A group of women were at a seminar on 'how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.'

    The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

    All the women raised their hands.

    Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

    Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.

    The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

    The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

    Here are some of the replies:


    1. Who is this?


    2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?


    3. I love you too.


    4. What now? Did you crash the car again?


    5. I don't understand what you mean?


    6. What did you do now?


    7. ?!?


    8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?


    9. Am I dreaming?


    10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.


    11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.


    12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

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    The Sensuous (and Smart) Wife

    "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

    "No"...said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled
    Twenty Dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her .....and smiled approvingly.

    "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

    "Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

    She gave him another sexy
    little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation..
    "Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $30,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

    "Well go look in the garage!"...she said

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    What's the best thing about a hooker dying on you?

    The second hour is free.

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    (I hope no one told this one yet)

    A penguin takes his car to the mechanic because it is leaking a little oil.

    The mechanic says "I'll take a look, but i'm pretty busy, so you can come back in about an hour".

    The penguin is a little annoyed with the wait. So the mechanic says "there is an ice cream store across the street if you want to kill some time".

    The penguin waddles across the street and orders a large vanilla ice cream cone. It's hot out and it's hard for the penguin to hold the cone with his fin, so the ice cream drips all over his front.

    After an hour, the penguin waddles across the street to the shop.

    The Mechanics walks out, takes I look at the penguin and say "I got some bad news...it looks like you blew a seal"

    The penguin looks down and says " Na, that's just a little ice cream".
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    So Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving in a car.

    Eventually, a cop pulled them over and ask Heisenberg, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
    Heisenberg replied, "No, but I can tell you exactly where I was."

    Thinking this was a weird response, the cop decided to check the vehicle.
    He come back up to Schrodinger and asks, "Sir, did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk?"
    Schrodinger replied, "I do now."

  15. #1335

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrbigbluelight View Post
    So Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving in a car.

    Eventually, a cop pulled them over and ask Heisenberg, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
    Heisenberg replied, "No, but I can tell you exactly where I was."

    Thinking this was a weird response, the cop decided to check the vehicle.
    He come back up to Schrodinger and asks, "Sir, did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk?"
    Schrodinger replied, "I do now."
    Thanks to TBBT, I get that joke
    I refuse to argue with idiots, because people can't tell the DIFFERENCE!

  16. #1336

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    SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDENESS

    FIRST DEGREE
    A blonde and her husband were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
    She picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
    The husband said, "Who was that honey?"
    She answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

    SECOND DEGREE
    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!!" The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
    me!"

    THIRD DEGREE
    A blonde suspects her husband of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She returns to their house unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of another woman. Well, the blonde is really angry. She pulls out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. Her husband yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
    The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

    FOURTH DEGREE
    A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

    FIFTH DEGREE
    What did the blonde girl ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
    "Is it mine?"

    SIXTH DEGREE
    A blonde in his fourth year as a LSU Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked her if he knew what Roe vs..
    Wade was about. The blonde pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "

    SEVENTH DEGREE
    Returning home from work, a blonde woman was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, the blonde moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  17. #1337

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    Rationale For High Capacity Gun Magazines.....









    A man walked into his crowded local bar, waved a pistol around and yelled "Who in here has been fooling with my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar yelled back "You're gonna need more ammo!"
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  18. #1338

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    THE DEAD COW LECTURE





    This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.


    First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.


    The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,


    "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  19. #1339

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    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  20. #1340

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    Must be a redneck
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  21. #1341

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    Must be a redneck
    No, just a Texan !!!!!!!!!
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  22. #1342

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    Quote Originally Posted by txcoastal1 View Post
    Must be a redneck
    Attachment 88988
    Classic!
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  23. #1343

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    Courtesy of another site....

    A priest was hearing confessions one afternoon when a man entered and confessed: "Bless me, Father for I have sinned. I slept with Big Pvzzy Green I couldn't help myself. She's tall, very tall, and she wasn't wearing underwear and she's very sexy"

    The priest gave him absolution and told him his penance and the man went away. The next man entered the confessional and said: "Bless me father for I have sinned, I slept with Big Pvzzy Green. I couldn't help myself. She 's tall, very tall, and she wasn't wearing underwear and she's very sexy"

    The priest thought about this coincidence, dismissed it, and gave the man his absolution and penance.

    However, over the course of the afternoon, 10 men confessed to sleeping with Pvzzy Green and all of them with the same no underwear excuse. This was very perplexing to the priest.

    As he was closing up the church later in the afternoon with the help of an altar boy, the priest noticed a very sexy, very tall woman walking down the church isle. This woman was all decked out in green - green hat, green boots, very tiny green mini skirt, green hand-bag and she sits at the very front where the priest can see up her skirt. The priest turned and asked to alterboy, "Is that Big Pvzzy Green?"

    The altar boy looked and squinted and replied, "I don't think so, Father, I think it is just a reflection off her boots."
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  24. #1344

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    One of the shortest jokes in the world:

    A masochist says " hurt me". A sadist says..."no".

  25. #1345

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    The Irish Golfer


    A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

    Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

    'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asks.

    'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

    'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

    'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise.'

    And with that the golfer walks off. 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ?I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'


    A year goes by before the golfer is back. At the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and when he goes to retrieve his ball, the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

    'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

    'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers: 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

    'Oh, I'm fine, thanks, says the leprechaun: 'You know, it was me that made your golf game improve. So tell me, how's yer money situation'?

    'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

    'I did that fer ye also,' smiles the leprechaun. ?And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

    The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

    C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

    Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

    'What?' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'




    'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish..................Name:  tiphat.gif
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    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  26. #1346

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    Eight Words with two Meanings



    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
    Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male..... Playing football without a cup.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

    4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
    Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
    Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  27. #1347

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    A woman meets a man in a bar.

    They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

    They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

    There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

    It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

    Although she found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears she was quite impressed by his Sensitive side.

    But she doesn't mention this to him.

    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh, my God! Maybe this guy could be the one!

    Maybe he could be the future father of my children!'

    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

    He responds warmly.

    They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.

    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, while they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

    'Well, how was it?'

    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

    'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

  28. #1348

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    Two quick musician jokes:

    Q: What do you call a bass player that just broke up with his girlfriend?
    A: Homeless.

    I know this drummer that was so upset over losing his rhythm that he threw himself behind a train...
    "I can't be wrong." - F1Nut


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  29. #1349

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    Oldie but a goodie.

    NEW HEAVIEST ELEMENT DISCOVERED

    A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science. Its existence was proved during the hurricane, gasoline, and other issues of the last year or two.

    The new element has been named *Governmentium*.

    Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called mo-rons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pe-ons.

    Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years. It does not decay, however, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, as each reorganization will cause more mo-rons to become neutrons, forming iso-dopes.

    This characteristic of mo-ron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever mo-rons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

    When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium because, though it has only half as many pe-ons, it has twice as many mo-rons.
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  30. #1350

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    In search of accurate reproduction of music. Real sound is my reference and while perfection may not be attainable? If I chase it, I might just catch excellence.

    "The best way to enjoy digital music reproduction is to never listen to good analogue reproduction". - Kenneth Swauger

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