THE joke thread

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

I thought it would be a good idea to start an ongoing joke thread. If there's any interest, I'll have Justin make it a sticky.

No rules really, just try to keep it at least somewhat clean, or this will end up like the babe thread we had going a while back and get deleted.

We're not saints and this place isn't run by the Vatican, but I'm sure at least a moderate level of decency will be appreciated.

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

I'll get it started with one posted a while back by Frank Z:

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

[dragon1952]

Boy.....this thread looks lively so far

OK...at the risk of pissing off certain ethnic groups and/or bleeding hearts......
What did the Mexican fireman name his three sons?



1) Jose (hose a)
2) Josb (hose b)
3) Josc (hose c)



OK...OK! Gimme a break! It works better out loud, believe me!

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

allrighty then, since none of you other bastards wann play:D

Grown-Up Words

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the ****."

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

Okay, this one's borderline...but if you don't laugh at this then you are without a soul

Ranger In Danger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE!

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

Hammer Anyone?

A man is in court for murder and the judge says 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'
Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'

Then the judge continues, 'you are also charged With beating Your daughter to death with a hammer.'

Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'

The judge says, 'now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt, now what is the problem?'

Then the man at the back of the court says, 'fifteen years I lived nextdoor to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'

[Skynut]

okay I am laughing.
I just do not know any jokes that will not offend someone.
I will try.

What is the difference between a (Insert favorite race) man and a large pepperoni piza.





A large pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four.

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

Find the Way

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?". "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

[Skynut]

How come there are no (insert favorite race) people on star trek?





They do not work in the future either.

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

Outsmart The Savages

A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves. The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe. The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "So much for your freaking canoe!"

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

Under The Carpet

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entirefloor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway."

"Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

The World Shortest Books

- "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
- The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
- Human Rights Advances in China
- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
- Al Gore: The Wild Years
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
- George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

Money Frick

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

[SCompRacer]

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

[SCompRacer]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall in the big city. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

Tragedy

John Kerry visits a primary school and sits in on one of the classes, which is in the middle of a discussion of words and their meaning.

The teacher asks Mr. Kerry if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".

So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.

"That's wrong," Kerry says. "That would be considered an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"You are completely incorrect" says the Senator. "That would be what we
would consider a great loss".

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Kerry searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying Senator John Kerry was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".

"Fantastic !" exclaims Kerry. "You are absolutely right. Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident!"

[ND13]

PM, that's the best one yet.:D :D

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

Okay, so I had one poking fun at John Kerry, gotta have one for Bush just so we're not biased here:

Bush Leadership Test

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"

[SCompRacer]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 82 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."

[Davidv]

The Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder, sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down and starts eating the bowl of peanuts on the bar.

The bartender looks at the monkey and thinks, “Oh well what’s a few peanuts.”
The monkey finishes the first bowl of nuts and goes to the next. The monkey’s owner pay’s no attention to what the monkey is doing.

Finally after the monkey has downed the fourth bowl and is hopping across the tables going from bowl to bowl. The bartender says, “ Hey mister, do you see what your pet monkey is doing? He’s eating everything in sight!”

The guy replies, “Don’t worry about it, just keep track of everything he eats and put it on my tab.”

The bartender calms down and thinks, “Well as long as I’m reimbursed no big deal.”

Finally the monkey cleans out the whole bar. He has eaten everything. The monkey jumps down and runs over to the pool table hops up grabs the cue ball, looks at it and shoves it in his mouth swallowing it whole.

The bartender can’t contain himself and say’s, “Geez did you see what he just ate?”
The guy says, don’t worry about it. I’m done drinking anyway give me my bill and we’ll get outta here.” The guy pays his tab and leaves.

A week later the same guy with the monkey come back into the bar. The guy sits down orders a beer and the monkey jumps onto the bar and heads to the drink station, grabs a cherry and shoves it up his ass.

“Holy crap!! Did you see what your monkey just did??” exclaims the bartender.

The guy looks at him and says, “ Yeah ever since he passed that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

[MacLeod]

Did You Call For Me?


Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: Sir, did you call for me? Bob replies: No, what do you mean? She says: You must be new here; let me explain. Its a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me. Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: Sir, did you call for me? Bob replies: No, what do you mean? The Huge Man: You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me. The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: May I help you? Bob says: Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee. Receptionist: But Sir, youve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

Bob replies: Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day

[shack]

Back on a snowy December evening during Bill Clinton's 2nd term as President, the head of the Secret Service walked into the oval office and spoke to the President.

President Clinton. I have some distrubing information. We found Jessie Jackson on the White House grounds. He had been drinking. He spelled out the words "BILL SUCKS" by peeing in the snow.

President Clinton told the agent to let him sleep it off and sober up and send him on his way the next morning.

Yes Mr. President. There is just one more thing.

And what is that?

It was in Hillary's handwriting.

[Davidv]

John calls his boss in the morning:

Hey, boss i can't come to work today I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt I can't come to work.

The boss says:

You know John I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.

2 hours later John calls:

Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you have a nice house.

[amulford]

A man with a very bad stutter got a job selling Bibles. His first day his boss gives him a box and tells him to go sell these and come back when he needs more. "Ok-k-k-ay"

He comes back the next day and asks "D-d-do y-you have any m-m m-more?" His boss thinks this odd, but after he is given the money he gives him another box.

The guy comes back the next morning says " I s-s-sold th-that b-b-box, t-too. C-can I h-h-have t-two b-b-boxes? I r-ran out at l-l-luncht-time." His boss is flabbergasted by this time. He gives him two boxes of Bibles and asks him how he does it.

"W-well I kn-knock on th-th-the d-door. Wh-when th-they an-an-answer, I a-ask if th-they w-w-want to b-buy a B-b-bible or sh-should I r-read it t-to th-th-them"

[BrentMcGhee]

Three guys are hiking across a bridge when one of them finds a lamp. He picks it up and rubs and a genie comes out of it. The genie says that i will make you guys anything you want to be, all you have to do is run and jump off the bridge and yell out whatever it is that you want to be.

So they all seem really excited and begin to think about what they want to become. The frist guy runs and jumps off the bridge and yells out "Rich and Famous" so then poof, he disapperas off to become rich and famous.

The second guy runs up and jumps off yelling "Sexiest man alive" so then poof he disappears off to become the sexiest man elive.

Then the third guy starts to run towards the edge of the bridge, but when he is about to jump off he trips on a rock and yells out "****!"

[BrentMcGhee]

I think that may have been a little overboard for this forum amulford.

I am sure we all have our share of good jokes like that that we share with our friends but it get's kinda tricky when you start to post stuff like that on a forum and you not knowing who you telling the jokes to.

Let's try and keep this thread from being shutdown, just use a little bit of discretion.

[Skynut]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck.” Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit = $400
New shirt = $ 36
New underwear = $ 6





Second opinion PRICELESS

[amulford]

Originally posted by BrentMcGhee
I think that may have been a little overboard for this forum amulford.

I am sure we all have our share of good jokes like that that we share with our friends but it get's kinda tricky when you start to post stuff like that on a forum and you not knowing who you telling the jokes to.

Let's try and keep this thread from being shutdown, just use a little bit of discretion.

Excuse me, but by using all of the above only proves there is no particular ambiguity towards any of the above.

Did you ever watch All in the Family? Favorite sitcom of America for years, with the star character, Archie Bunker, being what I call a non discriminatory bigot.

Get off the pulpit, padre...

but when he is about to jump off he trips on a rock and yells out "****!"

[bobman1235]

Originally posted by BrentMcGhee
I think that may have been a little overboard for this forum amulford.

I am sure we all have our share of good jokes like that that we share with our friends but it get's kinda tricky when you start to post stuff like that on a forum and you not knowing who you telling the jokes to.

Let's try and keep this thread from being shutdown, just use a little bit of discretion.

I think that joke was so ridiculously over the top and offensive to EVERY SINGLE ETHNIC GROUP that that was kinda part of the joke.

Probably a good idea to avoid it cuz of people that are too easily offended, but honestly.

[swerve]

That joke was the best by far. Please post more....