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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #91

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    A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
    "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look
    terrible."

    "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
    "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
    "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but
    I'm fine now."

    "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
    "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
    fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
    really."

    "What about that eye patch?"
    "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I
    looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

    "You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye
    just from bird poop."

    "It was my first day with the hook."
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  2. #92

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    Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked
    by a
    rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of
    a
    nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking
    the
    dog's neck.

    A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and
    rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into
    his laptop, beginning with the headline:

    "Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal"

    "But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.

    "Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just
    assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began:

    "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend >From Horrific Dog Attack"

    "But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

    The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for
    the Red
    Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like? "

    "I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.

    Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:

    "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet"
    Skynut
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  3. #93

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    Default Fire engine....

    A man happens upon a little boy playing fire engine with his dog. The boy is sitting in a wagon with a fireman's hat on and he has a rope tied around his dog's testicles. The dog is pulling the boy very slowly and cautiously of course, when the man asks the boy - "Why don't you put the rope around your dog's neck? That way I'll bet he can pull you faster!" The boy looks up at the man, shakes his head and says "Naw, that way I ain't got no siren!"
    :D :D
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  4. #94

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Polkapops
    A man happens upon a little boy playing fire engine with his dog. The boy is sitting in a wagon with a fireman's hat on and he has a rope tied around his dog's testicles. The dog is pulling the boy very slowly and cautiously of course, when the man asks the boy - "Why don't you put the rope around your dog's neck? That way I'll bet he can pull you faster!" The boy looks up at the man, shakes his head and says "Naw, that way I ain't got no siren!"
    :D :D
    :D :D :D
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  5. #95

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Skynut
    Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked
    by a
    rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of
    a
    nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking
    the
    dog's neck.

    A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and
    rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into
    his laptop, beginning with the headline:

    "Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal"

    "But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected.

    "Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just
    assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began:

    "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend >From Horrific Dog Attack"

    "But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

    The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for
    the Red
    Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like? "

    "I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.

    Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again:

    "Arrogant Little Conservative Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet"

    ROFL

    However, all too true.... :(
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
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  6. #96
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    Default

    The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The
    people did some research and found that they could buy a
    cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

    They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful.
    It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were
    very happy.

    They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce
    more cows like it. They would never have to worry about
    their milk supply again.

    They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their
    beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount
    the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what
    approach the bull tried, the cow would move away
    from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
    The people were very upset and decided to ask the
    Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

    They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever
    the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he
    approaches from the back, she moves forward. When
    he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
    An attempt from the side, she walks away to the
    other side."

    The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked,
    "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had
    ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You
    are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know
    we got the cow in Illinois?"

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
    "My wife is from Illinois."
    9/11 - WE WILL NEVER FORGET!! (<---<<click)
    2005-06 Club Polk Football Pool Champion!! :D

  7. #97

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    Many many years ago
    when I was twenty three,
    I got married to a widow
    who was pretty as could be.
    This widow had a grown-up daughter
    who had hair of red.
    My father fell in love with her,
    and soon the two were wed.

    This made my dad my son-in-law
    And changed my very life.
    My daughter was my mother,
    For she was my father's wife.

    To complicate the matters worse,
    Although it brought me joy,
    I soon became the father
    Of a bouncing baby boy.

    My little baby then became
    A brother-in-law to dad.
    And so became my uncle,
    Though it made me very sad.

    For if he was my uncle,
    Then that also made him brother
    To the widow's grown-up daughter
    Who, of course, was my step-mother.

    Father's wife then had a son,
    Who kept them on the run.
    And he became my grandson,
    For he was my daughter's son.

    My wife is now my mother's mother
    And it makes me blue.
    Because, although she is my wife,
    She is my grandma too.

    If my wife is my grandmother,
    Then I am her grandchild.
    And every time I think of it,
    It simply drives me wild.

    For now I have become
    The strangest case you ever saw.
    As the husband of my grandmother,
    I am my own grandpa.
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  8. #98
    Polk-a-dweeb
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    I'm so confused.....
    9/11 - WE WILL NEVER FORGET!! (<---<<click)
    2005-06 Club Polk Football Pool Champion!! :D

  9. #99

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frank Z
    I'm so confused.....
    It is a brutal brain bruiser.
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  10. #100

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    Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods were having a beer together.

    Stevie: "How's your game?"

    Tiger: "Not bad, but I need to work on my swing."

    Stevie: "Me too."

    Tiger : "You play golf"?"

    Stevie: "Sure and I'm getting pretty good."

    Tiger: "You're blind, how do you play golf?"

    Stevie: "Easy, I just get my caddie to go about 250 yards
    down the fairway and have him yell at me so I know where to
    aim. Then I get him to go onto the green and yell so I can
    chip on. Then when I'm ready to putt I get him to put his
    mouth next to the hole and whistle so I know where the hole
    is. It works really well and I've managed to become a
    scratch golfer."

    Tiger: "We should play sometime."

    Stevie: "Sure, but I only play for money because people don't
    take me seriously ---- $25,000 a hole."

    Tiger: "That's fine. When do you want to play."

    Stevie: "Pick a night."
    "Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right." - Ricky Gervais

    "For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible." - Stuart Chase

    "Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." - Bernard Berenson

  11. #101

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    Default The Difference Between Men and Women

    .......
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  12. #102

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    Subject: Roe v Wade


    Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs.. Wade?

    A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

  13. #103

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    Quote Originally Posted by bikezappa
    Subject: Roe v Wade


    Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs.. Wade?

    A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.
    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! ouch.....
    .
    comment comment comment comment. bitchy.
    .
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  14. #104

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    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
    A half-gallon of 2% milk,
    A carton of eggs,
    A quart of orange juice,
    A head of romaine lettuce,
    A 2 lb. can of coffee,
    And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

    As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
    standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
    While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
    "You must be single."

    The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
    the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
    six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
    selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

    Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
    absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

    The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
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  15. #105

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    Default

    A very suprised milkman was met at the door buy a beautiful naked woman.
    He had a hard time focusing on his job duties of taking this womans dairy order.

    MILKMAN: "Umm, hi. Umm, can I get you anything today Mrs. Johnson"?

    MRS. JOHNSON: "Yes, I would like 50 Gallons of milk please."

    MILKMAN: "50 Gallons of milk?! What could you possibly do with 50 gallons of milk?"

    MRS JOHNSON "I use it to bathe in. As you can see, it keeps my skin soft and smooth."

    MILKMAN: "Yes, I see that!" proclaimed the excited milkman "Would you like your milk pasteurized?"

    MRS JOHNSON: "No, just up to my tits."
    "she had the body of Venus, with arms."

  16. #106

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    Default

    I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

    She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, asked.....
    "How many is a "Brazilian?"

    :D

    yeah it's a slow Friday...
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  17. #107

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    When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter
    Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to
    make two lines. One line for the men who were true
    heads of their household and the other line for the
    men who were dominated by their women. I want all the
    women to report to St. Peter."

    Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of
    men. The line of the men who were dominated by their
    wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who
    truly were heads of their household, there was only
    one man.

    God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
    I created you to be the head of your household. You
    have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose.
    I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family.
    Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell
    them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one
    in this line?"

    The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
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  18. #108

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    Default

    knock knock...

    Who's there?

    Amy Fisher...

    Amy Fi BAMBBBBBBB!!!!

  19. #109

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jbowl
    knock knock...

    Who's there?

    Amy Fisher...

    Amy Fi BAMBBBBBBB!!!!

    That one reminds me of :

    -Knock knock...
    -Who's there?
    -Interrupting Cow.
    -Interrupting C---
    -MOOO!
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  20. #110

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    Default The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
    The girl said, NO!

    The guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played
    golf a lot, drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

    The End.
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  21. #111

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    Dear Captain:
    I know we have spoken about this before, but I continue to maintain that the Mesa SWAT team needs a monkey. I have chosen to outline my arguments for you so you can fully understand the importance of adding a capuchin to the payroll:
    Monkeys are disarming. Criminals are often armed. Therefore, monkeys can disarm criminals.
    If a monkey is killed in the line of duty, it is sad, but it does not reflect on our mortality statistics. That's because monkeys are not human, even though we once were monkeys. Unless you're from Kentucky.
    Personally, I do not think people could kill a monkey because if you look at one you can kind of see your grandpa's face.
    Monkeys can throw feces quicker than any guys we currently have. When you throw feces at a perpetrator, you buy valuable tactical seconds.
    Monkeys are fast, like Yoda. Criminals are often overweight and carrying bags of money - very cumbersome. This means the monkey can often disorient and incapacitate the criminal (imagine Yoda fighting T-Rex).
    In a hostage situation, people are very tense and upset. If a monkey suddenly arrives on the scene, the perpetrators might say something like "Look! A monkey!" and laugh. They wouldn't know it was a SWAT Monkey because it wouldn't be in uniform.
    Monkeys live for 40 years when out of the wild - double the expectancy if they live in the jungle. For this, the monkey will more than likely be grateful and happy to help us fight crime.
    In a bomb threat situation a monkey is not going to freak out about the green wire or blue wire and which wire should be cut. The monkey will just pull all the wires out and if it blows up we'll get another monkey.
    During the down time when there is no crime, you probably know that a lot of our men get bored. With a SWAT Monkey we would never get bored because we could have a lot of fun with him (dress-ups, parades, gun range, etc.)
    Monkeys are like 2-year old children, so the guys who have families won't miss their kids as much. This will improve morale. On the downside, he can break our radios and cling to the ceiling fan.
    Any time we see a criminal we'll tell them to look at the monkey. Sustained eye contact enrages a monkey. An enraged monkey is a worthy adversary.
    A SWAT Monkey is a powerful psychological tool. Imagine you are a criminal hiding in a closet and you hear "Release the monkey!" You would shudder.
    Monkeys, I believe, have skills at opening coconuts. This is not a tactical advantage of course, but it could be useful in tropical dilemmas.
    As the first SWAT team to have a monkey, we'll have a promotional advantage for our t-shirts. One good example is SWAT: Driving bad guys bananas.
    A SWAT Monkey will attract children to our cake sale. That means we sell more cake.
    Captain, I hope you will consider what an asset a monkey can be to the Mesa SWAT team. I can think of plenty more reasons if you'd like, but right now I'm being summoned to a hostage crisis.
    Monkey-less, I might add.

    Sincerely,
    Sgt. Liss
    There is no genuine justice in any scheme of feeding and coddling the loafer whose only ponderable energies are devoted wholly to reproduction. Nine-tenths of the rights he bellows for are really privileges and he does nothing to deserve them. We not only acquired a vast population of morons, we have inculcated all morons, old or young, with the doctrine that the decent and industrious people of the country are bound to support them for all time.-Menkin

  22. #112

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    Can't let it die: A pretty good "Whose line is it?" featuring Richard Simmons!!!

    http://www.heavy.com/heavy.php?video...video/whosline

    Warning: May be blocked by IT weenies
    There is no genuine justice in any scheme of feeding and coddling the loafer whose only ponderable energies are devoted wholly to reproduction. Nine-tenths of the rights he bellows for are really privileges and he does nothing to deserve them. We not only acquired a vast population of morons, we have inculcated all morons, old or young, with the doctrine that the decent and industrious people of the country are bound to support them for all time.-Menkin

  23. #113
    webdude
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    WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

    We luv "Whose Line"! That was great... did that one actually show on TV, or was it banned?

  24. #114

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    Nice to see my thread is still going :D
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    Polk Blackstone TL3, Polk PSWi225 Wireless Sub, HK 3490 Integrated, Oppo BDP-103, Sharp Aquos 32" TV, Apple TV

    Office Rig
    27" iMac w/Amarra, AudioQuest Dragonfly 1.2, Focal XS Book, Schiit Valhalla, Cypher Labs Theorem 720, Philips Fidelio X1, Sennheiser HD600, HiFiMan HE-500, B&W P7, LG 47LM7600, Sony PS3, Apple TV

  25. #115

    Member Sales Rating: (1)

    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Funny Farm"no doubt there"
    Posts
    5,329

    Default anniversary

    A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

    :D
    ***WAREMTAE***

  26. #116

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    Sep 2003
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    Kansas
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    7,522

    Default

    good one Henry!

  27. #117

    Member Sales Rating: (1)

    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Patterson Cali.
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    3,251

    Default

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
    "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen,
    you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a
    diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and
    the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It
    takes ten seconds and costs $10... A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it toWal-Mart.
    He deposits $10 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
    sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,
    the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm
    in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
    Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology is, Joe
    began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
    water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
    daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
    $10, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    "1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins, they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
    better.

    Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
    Skynut
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    The system Almost there
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    Center CS1000p (Bi-Wired) (under the television)
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    Sur FX1000
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    www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
    Thanks for looking

  28. #118

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    Sep 2004
    Location
    Memphis Area
    Posts
    2,283

    Default

    A husband comes home from work, goes straight to his recliner, and yells to his wife-"Quick, bring me a beer, its about to start." He drinks that one down and yells to his wife again "Quick, bring me a beer, its about to start." He drinks that one down and yells to wife again "Quick, bring me a beer, its about to start." He is about to yell for another one, when his wife comes into the room and goes- "All you ever do is....." With that, he looks up and says, "It started"

  29. #119

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    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    25

    Default

    Old Norman and Harriet hook up over jello one day at the old folks home. After 'lights out' that night, old Norman sneaks up to Harriet's room where she quickly and quietly sneaks him in. After a brief greeting, they start to undress. Now naked, Norm jumps into the sack and turns in time to see Harriet neatly laying out a row of tiny pills. Noticing his gaze, Harriet explains " I have acute angina".
    " Well thank God for that " says Norm " Cuz those sure are some ugly old tits !"

  30. #120

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    Jul 2001
    Location
    FL 320
    Posts
    5,021

    Default

    Another Nun joke

    It was very late at night and a man is on his way home. He waits at the stop for the bus to arrive. The bus gets there an he enters.

    Sitting right across from him is a nun who looked very beautiful to him. After 20mins all the other passengers had left the bus and only the man and the nun remains.

    The man moved over to a seat next to the nun. "Hey, what do you say we get together and have some fun?" Disgusted, the nun got up, went to the bus driver and said "Sir, this man is harassing me, let me off here". The bus driver stopped the bus and allowed the nun to leave.

    After a few minutes the bus driver asked the man to come up to speak to him.
    "You see that cemetary, sir. Well, she prays there every Friday at mid night. Put on a fake beard, tell her you're god and you must have sex with her. I'm sure she'll let you."

    "Wow, thank you. I will try that" replied the man.

    On Friday the man went to the cemetary and sure enough the nun is there praying. With his fake beard and loose clothing, the man jumped up in front of her and said "I am God and I demand you to have sex with me".

    "I suppose I have no choice. But I must remain a virgin. Can you stick it in my butt instead?" said the nun.

    "I sure will" replied the man.

    He approached the nun from behind and performs anal sex. When he finished he began laughing extremely hard.

    "What is it?" said the nun.

    "You stupid idiot, I was the guy on the bus!" replied the man while laughing uncontrollably.

    When he finally ran out of breath from laughing so hard, he was able to hear soft laughter coming from the nun.

    "What's so funny? I just had sex with you" said the man.

    Then, the nun began to laugh extremly hard and replied... "You stupied idiot, I'm the bus driver!"
    CD Player: Original CD-A8T
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    "I would rather have a cup of tone than an ocean of power" **Dr. Harvey Rosenberg**

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