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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #181

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Skynut
    Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
    Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
    ROFLMREO!!! That one's great!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  2. #182

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    To all you Republicans that think it's ok for Bush to spy on US citizens please say the following sentance out loud. "As president it's OK for Hillary Clinton to spy on US citizens".

  3. #183

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    It was a joke, lets not get all political here.
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  4. #184

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    Quote Originally Posted by bikezappa
    To all you Republicans that think it's ok for Bush to spy on US citizens please say the following sentance out loud. "As president it's OK for Hillary Clinton to spy on US citizens".
    This is a joke thread....lighten up!
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  5. #185

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    Default How about a joke?

    Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night.

    The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

    None of them knew anything about it.

    Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night.

    The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.

    The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

    Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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  6. #186

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    Default Words From A Wise Man

    I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
    right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the
    shoulder to avoid hitting her.

    This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
    window and gave the woman the finger.

    "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

    I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female
    does anything to me in traffic, and here's why I drive 48 miles each way

    every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

    Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
    bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

    There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982
    cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I

    pass at least another 4000 cars.

    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
    day. Statistically, females drive half of these.

    That's 18,000 women drivers!

    In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life is dissatisfying

    or unrewarding.
    That's 449.

    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
    seriously considered suicide or homicide.

    That's 98.

    And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
    weapons and this number is increasing.

    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
    has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously

    considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

    Give one the finger? I think not.
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  7. #187

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    With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife. "This is the pig I do when you have a headache," he says. The wife looks at him and replies, "That's a sheep under your arm." He says, "I wasn't talking to you."
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  8. #188

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    If you're having trouble with your barnyard friends,
    You got a thing for ewes,
    Been counting sheep, but you're not in bed,
    Here's what you gotta do.
    Get out the barn, stay off the farm,
    Go read a nursery rhyme.
    Don't ring 976-BAAA,
    That kind of love's a crime.

    Dirty deeds, done with sheep,
    Dirty deeds, Little Bo Peep,
    Dirty deeds, done with sheep,
    Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep,
    Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep.

    My friend McRat has a little lamb,
    Her fleece is white as snow,
    He keeps bragging about her night and day,
    Someone should tell him no.
    Look at the flock, they're all in shock,
    Here comes that mutton fan,
    Knock off the fleece, give them some peace,
    Don't be a barnyard man.

    Dirty deeds, done with sheep,
    Dirty deeds, Little Bo Peep,
    Dirty deeds, done with sheep,
    Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep,
    Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep.

    Velcro gloves, kneepads, late-night dates.
    Done with sheep.
    Warning signs, electric fences, high voltage.
    Done with sheep.

    Dirty deeds, don't tell 'em what I done to ewe,
    Done with sheep.
    Dirty deeds, dirty deeds, done with sheep.
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  9. #189

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    Quote Originally Posted by Skynut
    With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife. "This is the pig I do when you have a headache," he says. The wife looks at him and replies, "That's a sheep under your arm." He says, "I wasn't talking to you."

    ROFL!

  10. #190

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    Subject: How men think.......


    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

    Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

    They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
    crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring
    her out of the coma."

    The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
    curtains for privacy.

    The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

    After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
    rate. The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.












    The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked."
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  11. #191

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    A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

    "Well, I can think of one thing, the man offered."

    "Once, during a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now back off!" Or you'll answer to me!"

    St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

    "Just a couple minutes ago."
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  12. #192

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    Default

    A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
    other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
    transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
    sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... >>

    He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned
    over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
    but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
    blanket?
    I'm awfully cold."

    "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
    we're married."

    "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

    "Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket."

    After a moment of silence, he farted.
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  13. #193

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    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
    new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
    lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state,
    her husband readily agreed.


    This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
    for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was
    a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
    incidentals that she needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised
    to find her husband in a very drunken state. During
    the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
    was going through a process of corporate downsizing,
    and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that
    paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and
    therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book, which showed
    more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest
    totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him
    certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were
    worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were
    one of the largest depositors in the bank. She
    explained that for the more than
    three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these
    holdings had multiplied and these were the results of
    her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over
    $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
    barely speak, but finally he found his voice and
    blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were
    doing, I would have given you all my business!"

    That’s when she shot him.

    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep
    their mouths shut.
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  14. #194

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    THE ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:


    Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
    A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

    Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
    A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only 'down under'.

    Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
    A: Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.

    Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
    A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take
    your house and car with them.

    Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
    A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch
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  15. #195

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    Default

    A man and woman go to marriage counseling.

    The counselor tells them they have to learn each other likes and dislikes. He asks the man,"what is your wife's favorite flower?"

    The man ponders for a minute and then replies,"ummm....Pilsbury?"
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  16. #196

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    Default The Shoplifter

    An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

    She replied: a can of peaches.

    The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

    The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.


    The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

    Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

    He said, " What is it? "

    The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
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    Default

    A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

    She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

    When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin when we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there...

    The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

    The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains," It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.



    Hasn't affected my sisters though."
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    Default New Diet

    The Doctor said, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

    When the Blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's
    amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

    The Blonde nods and answers, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was
    going to drop dead that third day."

    "From hunger?" asks the doctor.

    "No", replied the Blond, "From skipping"
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    Default

    A woman goes into a bar and sees a handsome cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

    She can't stop staring because the cowboy has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks him if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy winks and says, "Sure is, why don't you come back to my place and let me prove it?"

    The woman figures why not and spends the night with him.

    The next day she walks into the bar and hands the cowboy a $100 bill. Blushing, he says, "I'm flattered, ma'am, nobody has ever paid me for my services before,"

    To this the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy yourself some boots that fit!"
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  20. #200
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    Default

    Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked
    out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout
    counter.

    The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how
    old are you?"

    "Eight," the boy replied.

    The man continued, "Do you know what these are used
    for?"

    The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for
    me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you
    use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
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    Default

    Latest scam, and according to Snopes.com, this one is real. Be careful.
    I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots of Huntsville . Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.

    While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the back-seat and then they both start begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.
    I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
    and Friday.

  22. #202

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    Default Body Parts

    Body Parts

    Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
    they had performed.

    One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a
    concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8
    months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

    The second surgeon said, "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both
    legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
    medal in track and field events in the Olympics."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman
    was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train
    traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's
    blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now
    she's a Senator from New York."
    __________________
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    Default News from 2039AD

    From the year 2039....


    Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.


    White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.


    Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.


    Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


    Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


    France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.


    Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


    George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2040.


    Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


    85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.


    Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


    Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


    Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


    Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.


    New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2040.


    Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


    Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.


    IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


    Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines
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  24. #204

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    Haha, some of those are great!

    Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

    Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  25. #205

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    Default Nightmares

    A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.

    His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK?

    The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died.

    The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.

    The next day, Auntie Susie dies.


    One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight.

    His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.

    The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died.

    The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.

    The next day, granddaddy dies.


    One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight..

    His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son.

    The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died.

    The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

    The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

    The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die.


    After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.

    He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.

    He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed.

    He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

    Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.

    "Good God, Dear," he claims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"

    She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
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  26. #206

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    NFL Officiating Crew

    :p

  27. #207

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    Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't and the old cow was killed.

    Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar,his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied:

    "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."
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    Default

    One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a flight are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

    The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
    Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

    At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.


    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.


    Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

    Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
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  29. #209

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    A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.
    "You are all part of our team now," said the HR director during the
    welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to
    the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the
    other employees".

    The cannibals promised they would not.

    Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and
    I'm very satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has
    disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

    The cannibals all shook their heads no.

    After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
    others,"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

    A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted,
    "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one
    noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  30. #210

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    An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.

    She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

    The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

    A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
    Stuff...

    RTi12's - front
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    Life is Good!

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