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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #211
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    Daddy's Little Girl

    Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
    Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
    "Osama Bin Laden," she says.
    "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
    "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
    maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
    And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then! ... he'd start going all over the place tell
    everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
    Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
    "I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."
    9/11 - WE WILL NEVER FORGET!! (<---<<click)
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  2. #212

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrNightly

    A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted,
    "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one
    noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"
    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!

    How f'in true............Priceless.............

    :) :p ;) :D
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  3. #213

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    Potentially and Realistically!

    A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what
    is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

    The father thought for moment, then answered,
    "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."
    "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
    and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
    Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

    So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you
    sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother
    replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix
    up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

    The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
    Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my
    God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are
    you nuts?!?!?! "

    The boy then went to his brother and asked,
    "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course,
    " the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
    would buy?"

    The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

    His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
    potentially and realistically?"

    The boy replied, "Yes...

    Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars.............

    but Realistically,......... we're living with two sluts and a queer.
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  4. #214

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    ^^ Roflmreo!!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  5. #215

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    Thats some funny **** there gees. :D

  6. #216

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    Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and
    Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

    Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

    Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

    "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

    "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

    Well, not exactly", Jed say s. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Steve's widow'."

    She said, "No, I'm not a widow."



    And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".
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  7. #217

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    Default The Witch

    Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

    The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

    "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"

    "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

    His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

    "A witch, why the hell would you say that?"

    "Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
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  8. #218

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    Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men.

    To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

    "No thanks, just give me a few minutes, I'll be fine," he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.

    Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pants and starts massaging his genitals.

    "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

    "Well, yes. That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."
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  9. #219

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    Default Chinese anyone? :D

    Learn a foreign language... you guess which language:


    1) Thats not right....................................... Sum Ting Wong

    2) Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding

    3) See me ASAP.......................................... Kum Hia Nao

    4) Stupid Man............................................. Dum Fuk

    5) Small horse............................................ Tai Ni Po Ni

    6) Did you go to the beach?....................... Wai Yu So Tan

    7) I bumped in to a coffee table................. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

    8) I think you need a face lift...................... Chin Tu Fat

    9) It's very dark in here.............................. Wao So Dim

    10) I thought you were on a diet............... Wai Yu Mun Ching

    11) This is a tow away zone....................... No Pah King

    12) staying out of sight.............................. Lei Ying Lo

    13) He's cleaning his automobile................ Wa Shing Ka

    14) Your body odor is offensive.................. Yu Stin Ki Pu

    15)Great.......................................... ......... Fa Kin Su Pah
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  10. #220

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    At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
    the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
    "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
    "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
    "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
    "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the
    foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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  11. #221

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    Oh me...those last two are hilarious!!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  12. #222

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    What do a cue ball and a Mexican have in common?













    The harder you hit them the more English you get.
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  13. #223

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    Oh thats bad
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  14. #224

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    Whats the difference betweet a two dollar whore and a cue ball?


























    If you had to you could eat the cue ball.
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  15. #225

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    Quote Originally Posted by brettw22
    What do a cue ball and a Mexican have in common?

    The harder you hit them the more English you get.

    :p :p :p :p
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    CAUSE I SPEAK OF THE POMPITIOUS OF LOVE"

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    Ummm...Just so you know MrNightly, I was born Chinese, but I got disoriented.

  17. #227

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    ^^ Rofl!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  18. #228

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    A Japanese tourist had been in the US for a couple of weeks and was getting ready to head back to Japan. When he arrived in the US, he exchanged his Japanese Yen for US Dollars. He had some time before his flight and decided to exhange the Dollars he had purchased back to Yen so he wouldn't have to when he got back home.

    He approched the young man at the teller window of the bank and said..

    "I want exchange dollar for yen."

    The teller counted the dollars and gave him the corresponding amount of yen.

    The tourist slowly counted the yen....and with a loud voice said...

    "No rike....you cheat!"

    To which the teller asked "Why do you think I've cheated you?"

    The tourist replied "Two week ago 1 dollar cost 20 yen. Now 1 dollar I get 15 yen back! Why?"

    The teller shrugged his shoulders and replied "Flucuations."

    To which the Japanese tourist replied.....









    "Fluc you white guys too!"
    "Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right." - Ricky Gervais

    "For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible." - Stuart Chase

    "Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." - Bernard Berenson

  19. #229

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    Quote Originally Posted by Demiurge
    Ummm...Just so you know MrNightly, I was born Chinese, but I got disoriented.
    Ha! Funny.. but I have been to China twice, and almost married an asian girl. :) but it was a funny joke no less haha
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  20. #230

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrNightly
    Ha! Funny.. but I have been to China twice, and almost married an asian girl. :) but it was a funny joke no less haha
    I'm not even close to being Chinese. :D

  21. #231

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    Well I pity you then... uh.. never mind. Just Leave now, this is getting awkward... ;)
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  22. #232

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    Superman was flying around one day and got horny.

    He saw Batman and Robin working on their batmoblie and flew down and asked them if they wanted to go look for some girls, Batman and Robin said no, they needed to finish the car.

    Superman left and saw Spiderman on the side of a building and flew over there and asked him if he wanted to go woman hunting. Spiderman declined saying he needed to work on some manuevers.

    Superman flew off and looked down and saw wonderwoman spread eagle sunbathing naked. He thought to himself, I`m faster than a speeding bullet, I`ll just fly in there and nail her real quick and fly away. Superman did just that, he flew down nailed her and was gone, Wonderwoman said, what in the heck was that? The invisibleman got up off her and said, I`m not sure, but I don`t think I will be able to walk for a week.
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  23. #233

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    Default The Classic Joke

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against
    the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's
    face.


    The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and
    says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.
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    Visual version a la fridge magnet......
    Attached Images  
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    Quote Originally Posted by brettw22
    Visual version a la fridge magnet......
    In this example my money is on the egg. ;)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skynut
    In this example my money is on the egg. ;)
    Didn't you just read about the egg and the chicken... post sexual positions?!? Geez... which came first?!?! :D I thought it was obvious. heheheh
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    you know you're from California if:

    1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.

    2. You make over $ 4 00,000 and still can't afford a house.

    3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

    4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

    5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

    6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

    7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

    8. You can't remember .. . . is pot illegal?

    9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

    10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

    11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

    12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

    13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

    14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

    15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

    16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

    17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

    18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

    19. The Terminator is your governor.

    20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.
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    Subject: Attorney Hunting Laws





    I was curious as to whether or not Dick Cheney violated the law when he shot his attorney friend. After reviewing the rules and regulations, it turns out that there was no violation of the law, as you can see from the rules below:



    __________________________________________________ __________________



    Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00



    370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.



    370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.



    370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.



    370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.



    370.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.



    370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.



    370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.



    370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.



    370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the Purpose of hunting attorneys.



    370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:



    Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2

    Two-faced tortfeasors, 1

    Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3

    Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2

    Minutiae-advocating dirt bags, 4

    Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).



    ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle

    Unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.
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    Thanks for looking

  29. #239

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    Default Alaskan New Year's Eve Party

    Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

    He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

    "Name's Lars ....Your neighbor from forty miles away.... Having a New Year's Eve party Friday ....Thought you might like to come. About 5..."

    "Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

    As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

    Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with best of em."

    Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

    Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

    Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

    "Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

    Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
    Stuff...

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    Life is Good!

  30. #240

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    Default I love Snow

    December 5 - 6:00 AM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
    and the wife and I ate our breakfast, lit a fire, and sat for hours by the
    window watching the soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like
    a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love
    snow!

    December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
    covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
    more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've
    ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I
    did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
    along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
    shovel again. What a perfect life.

    December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

    December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
    to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
    away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
    life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
    didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
    get back in shape this way.

    December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
    Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
    freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
    I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

    December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in
    the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
    hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
    Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
    Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
    should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
    when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
    room.

    December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
    stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice.
    Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
    around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
    the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

    December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
    inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt
    till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
    and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed
    again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
    for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is
    lying.

    December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
    wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
    nuts?!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

    December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
    Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch
    who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
    beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner
    and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at
    a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight
    the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
    presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

    December 25 - Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
    slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate
    the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit
    him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I
    think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
    more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
    all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber
    came after 14 hours of waiting for him, and he only charged me $1,400 to
    replace all my pipes!!

    December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

    December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
    could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
    think I am?

    December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now
    suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for
    trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

    December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

    January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
    keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
    Stuff...

    RTi12's - front
    CSi5 - center
    FXi3's - surrounds
    RTi4's - surrounds
    SVS PB12-NSD/2 - sub :D :D :D
    Denon 3805
    Rotel RB-985 5-Channel Amplifier
    Samsung 3600 BluRay Player


    Life is Good!

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