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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #301

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    Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the old cow was killed.

    Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

    About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

    "What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

    "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

    The driver replied: "I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."
    Skynut
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  2. #302

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    My yearly exam


    I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

    How much do you weigh?" she asks.
    "115," I say.
    The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.
    The nurse asks, "Your height?"
    "5 foot 8," I say.
    The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 5".

    She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

    "Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and skinny! Now I'm short and fat!"

    She put me on prozac.
    Skynut
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  3. #303

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    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
    show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he
    starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde
    woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

    "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes
    you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
    color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a
    human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from
    being respected at work and in the community and from
    reaching our full potential as a person. It is because of
    you and your kind who continue to perpetuate discrimination
    against not only blondes, but women in general and all in
    the name of humor."

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the
    blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to
    that little **** on your knee."
    Skynut
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  4. #304

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    What do you call an Amish man with his arm up a horses ass? A mechanic.

  5. #305

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    That's a F....in serious home theater room del44.

  6. #306
    webdude
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    What goes: clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG! clip clop, clip clop.









    An Amish drive-by shooting.

    I gotta agree with bz there del44 - really nice HT.:D

  7. #307

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    Default an Elevator experience

    A skinny little white guy went into an elevator, looked up and saw this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

    The big guy saw the little guy staring at him, looked down and said, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

    The white man fainted and fell to the floor.

    The big guy knelt down and brought him to by shaking him. The big guy said, "What's wrong with you?"

    In a weak voice the little guy said, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

    The big dude said, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

    I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

    The small guy said, "Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'turn around!"
    :D
    ***WAREMTAE***

  8. #308

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    Rofl!!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  9. #309
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    She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

    She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

    He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex.

    Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

    "I couldn't find the egg timer."
    9/11 - WE WILL NEVER FORGET!! (<---<<click)
    2005-06 Club Polk Football Pool Champion!! :D

  10. #310

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    3 min eggs?
    LOL
    Skynut
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  11. #311

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    "Do you know her?"



    A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.



    The wife asks, "Do you know her?"



    "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife.

    She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."





    "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating

    that long?"
    Skynut
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  12. #312

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    A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

    He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

    "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

    "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."

    "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

    The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***POOF***The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

    "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

    "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

    "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

    After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

    The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

  13. #313

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    Default Another blond joke...

    Brunette and a blond work in an office together. It's Friday afternoon and a flower delivery guy comes in and says "I've got some flowers for Barb". The brunette says "Oh great, now I'm going to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air. The blond replies....












    Why? Don't you have a vase?

  14. #314

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    Talking Tatoos....

    Well, it's Ethel's 80th birthday and she's decided it is the year for her to do something different. She gets up her nerve and heads down to the local tatoo parlor. She walks right up to the counter, pulls up her skirt and says "I want a picture of Paul Newman on one cheek and Robert Redford on the other!" To this the tatoo artist says "Ma'am are you sure....I mean my God you're 80 years old for crying out loud". She says "You're GD right I'm sure, just give me the tatoo!"

    So, the artist does his thing and she is dying to show somebody. She goes out looking for someone to show and comes upon good Ol' Charlie feeding the pigeons. Now, Ol' Charlie is about her age and doesn't see to well, but what the heck, she has to show someone. She walks up to Charlie, pulls up her skirt and says "Well, what do you think?" Charlie replies "What do I think of what?" She says "Well, don't you recognize em'?!!!!"





    Charlie says..."Well the one in the middle with the gray beard and bad teeth looks like Willie Nelson, but I don't know the other two!"

  15. #315

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    I had heard that the infamous Lorena Bobbitts(sp) sister Leona tried to do the same thing to her husband that Lorena did. However, when she tried to cut off his member she missed and stabbed him in the leg. He woke up from his sleep and promptly called the police on her. They charged her with a misdaweiner.

  16. #316

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    :groan: :p

    i dunno if this has been posted before, but:

    There's a Frenchman, a Brit, and an American scouting the deep forest for signs of gold. They accidentally stumble on a village of undiscovered cannibals, and before they can turn around, they've been surrounded. They put up a valiant fight, but are captured nonetheless.

    The cannibal chief has the three men held in the center of the village. He comes to the Brit and says, "I am going to kill you and make your skin into a canoe. Do you have a last wish before you die?" The Brit replies, "I'd like a knife, so that I may take my own life and die honorably." The chief hands a knife to the Brit, who screams, "For England!", and stabs himself in the heart.

    The chief next goes to the Frenchman, and says, "Now I am going to kill you and use your skin for a canoe, but do you have a last request before you die?" The Frenchman replies, "I would like a knife, so that I too may die honorably." The chief hands the knife to the Frenchman, who raises it up and plunges it into his heart, with a cry of, "For France!"

    Finally, the chief makes it to the American, and gives him the same offer as the others: "I am going to kill you and use your skin for a canoe. Do you have a last request before you die?" The American replies, "I'd like a fork." Amused, the chief hands him a crude fork, whereupon the American rapidly stabs himself all over his body. Bleeding from hundreds of holes in his body, the American bellows, "F**K YOUR CANOE!!"
    It's not good, very fundamentally simply not good. - geolemon

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  17. #317

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    A small zoo in Alabama had a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
    Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Patrick, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Patrick, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
    The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Patrick was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
    Patrick showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
    1. "First", Patrick said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
    2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
    3. "Third", Patrick said, "I want all the childrun raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
    4. And last of all, Patrick stated "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

  18. #318

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    Birds and the Bees (Modern Version)

    Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male!"
    Skynut
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  19. #319

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    ROFL!! That's great Skynut! lol...
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  20. #320

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  21. #321

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    ^^^ thats good ^^^
    Skynut
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  22. #322

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    Haha. I just explained that to a girl yesterday. I don't think she believed me, though. :p
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
    My Saga
    Equipment Pictures

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  23. #323

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    Default Guts or Balls

    We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really

    know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the

    definition for each is listed below ..

    GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

    assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you

    still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of

    perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the

    ass and having the balls to say "You're next."

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
    ***WAREMTAE***

  24. #324

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    Default Still Hillarious after all these years....

    Hick computer terms
    Redneck computer terms


    BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

    BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

    BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

    BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

    CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

    CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

    TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

    CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

    DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

    DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

    FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

    HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

    HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

    INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

    KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

    MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

    MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

    MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

    MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

    NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

    ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

    ROM - Where the pope lives

    SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

    SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

    SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

    SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
    I am sorry, I have no opinion on the matter. I am sure you do. So, don't mind me, I just want to talk audio and pie.

  25. #325

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    lol!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
    My Saga
    Equipment Pictures

    [2CH]
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    Yamaha KX-W900U
    Sony ST-S500ES
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  26. #326

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    LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

    Law of Mechanical Repair:
    After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

    Law of the Workshop:
    Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

    Law of Probability:
    The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

    Law of the Telephone:
    If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

    Law of the Alibi:
    If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

    Variation Law:
    If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

    Law of the Bath:
    When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

    Law of Close Encounters:
    The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

    Law of the Result:
    When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

    Law of Biomechanics:
    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    Law of the Theatre:
    At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

    Law of Coffee:
    As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    Murphy's Law of Lockers:
    If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    Law of Rugs/Carpets:
    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

    Law of Location:
    No matter where you go, there you are.

    Law of Logical Argument:
    Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

    Brown's Law:
    If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

    Oliver's Law:
    A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    Wilson's Law:
    As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

  27. #327

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    While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.


    They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.


    Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.


    Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.


    About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"


    Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?


    "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna' switch back to paper."
    Skynut
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    Thanks for looking

  28. #328

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    Quote Originally Posted by Skynut
    "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna' switch back to paper."
    ROFL! :p
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  29. #329

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    A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress.

    After she has disrobed, he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor.

    He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor.

    He then begins to have intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

    "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
    Skynut
    SOPAŽ Founder
    The system Almost there
    DVD Onkyo DV-SP802
    Sunfire Theater Grand II
    Sherbourn 7/2100
    Panamax 5510 power conditioner (for electronics)
    2 PSAudio UPC-200 power conditioners (for amps)
    Front L/R RT3000p (Bi-Wired)
    Center CS1000p (Bi-Wired) (under the television)
    Center RT2000p's (Bi-Wired) (on each side of the television)
    Sur FX1000
    SVS ultra plus 2

    www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
    Thanks for looking

  30. #330

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    lol!
    I am sorry, I have no opinion on the matter. I am sure you do. So, don't mind me, I just want to talk audio and pie.

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