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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #361

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    It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

    "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "



    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry, 1775."

    "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

    Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!



    Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

    She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: screw the Mexicans!"

    "Who said that?" she demanded.

    Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

    At that point, another student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

    Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Another student yelled, "You're INCREDIBLE!"

    Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little punk... If you say anything! else, I'll kill you!"

    Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

    The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"

    Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

    Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro and another student shouts "Duck"!



    Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?

    Pedro answered: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
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  2. #362

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    Lol!
    ***WAREMTAE***

  3. #363

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    One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children

    what their fathers did for a living.



    All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic,

    businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.



    But little Justin was being characteristically

    quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his

    father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer

    in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front

    of other men and they put money in his underwear.



    Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go

    home with some guy and make love with him for money."



    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement,

    hurriedly set the other children to work on some

    exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask

    him, "Is that really true about your father?"



    "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic

    National Committee and is helping to secure the

    Nomination of Hillary Clinton in 2008, but I was too

    embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
    Skynut
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  4. #364

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    One Stone, the young American Indian was born with only one testicle. Thus his name.

    All his life, One Stone hated his name. When he became a man, he declared that One Stone was no longer his name. He swore an oath that he would kill the next person who called him One Stone.

    Yellow Bird did not hear him say this, for she was out gathering berries. When she came in to the village, he walked up to help her carry her basket. "Thank you One Stone" she said.

    That was it. One Stone grabbed Yellow Bird and drug her out into the woods. Once they were out of sight, he screwed her nonstop for three days straight. Yellow Bird could not handle this passionate marathon, and died from sheer exhaustion. He then brought her body back to the village for all to see. "This is what will happen to all who call me One Stone!!!"

    For the next year, everyone was very careful not to call him One Stone. They did not want to end up like Yellow Bird.

    One day his childhood friend, Singing Bird, came back to the village from the white man's school. She had not seen her friend for years and was very excited when she did. "Oh my, what a strong warrior you have become, One Stone!!"

    He grabbed her and drug into his tepee. Then he ripped off her clothes and proceeded to screw her silly. This went on for one, two, three, four, and finally five days. But Singing Bird would not die. She wanted more, but One Stone could not go any longer.

    So what's the moral to the story?





















    No matter what they say, you can't kill two birds with One Stone.
    I smell ass, burning ass, glowing cherry red spanked ass.

    RT1

  5. #365

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    ROFL! :p
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  6. #366

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    Nice one! :D
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  7. #367

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    This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to
    other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters,
    this one doesn't cost anything!

    Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends
    who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your
    wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name
    appears at the top of the following list, and add your name
    to the bottom of the list.

    When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of
    them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

    At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already
    received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

    This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died,
    and the next day he received a Playboy playmate. An
    unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able
    to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super
    model.

    You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man
    broke the chain and got his wife back again.

    Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list
    below.

    Bill Clinton
    780 3rd Ave
    New York, NY 10017

    Billy Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    Billie Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    B. Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    William Jefferson Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    W. Jefferson Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, N Y 10017

    W. Jeff Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    W. J. Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    W. Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    William J Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    Willem Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    Wilhelm Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    Willie Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    Will Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, NY 10017

    Mr. Hillary Clinton
    780 3rd Ave.
    New York, 10017
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  8. #368

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    A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
    That the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
    depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

    For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with
    rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or
    menopausal,

    she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors
    lodged in his temple and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.


    No further studies are expected.
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  9. #369

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    Thought it was funny..

    The Pope is visiting Washington, DC, and President
    Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac,
    sailing on the Presidential Yacht, the Sequoia.

    They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden,
    the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out
    into the water.
    Secret Service guys start to launch
    a boat, but president Bush waves them off, saying,
    "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."

    Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the
    water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat,
    bends over picks it up, then walks back to
    the yacht and climbs aboard.
    He hands the hat to the
    Pope amid stunned silence.

    The next morning, the headlines in the
    New York Times
    Boston Globe
    Atlanta Constitution
    Washington Post
    Boston Herald
    Buffalo News
    Houston Chronicle
    Milwaukee Sentinel- Journal
    Minneapolis Tribune
    Denver Post
    Albuquerque Journal
    Los Angeles Times
    and San Francisco Chronicle

    all proclaim:

    "Bush Can't Swim!"
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  10. #370

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    A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked her weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? "Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
    She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
    Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  11. #371

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    Those were good.
    Skynut
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  12. #372

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    During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the
    pastor with an unusual offer.

    "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
    When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to
    'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be
    faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just
    leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and
    walked away satisfied.

    The next day during the wedding ceremony, the time came for
    the bride and groom to exchange their vows. The pastor
    looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise
    to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
    wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life,
    and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you
    will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you
    both shall live?"

    The groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
    "Yes." He then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I
    thought we had a deal."

    The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and
    whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
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    Default Fire starter

    And some people think this is a fun thing to do...
    Last edited by BobMcG; 02-02-2008 at 05:45 PM.
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  15. #375

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    Default The Husband Store

    The Husband Store!

    A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .


    On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


    Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.


    The second floor sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love
    kids.


    The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
    kids, and are extremely good looking.


    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


    She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the ! Lord, love
    kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the
    housework.

    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love
    kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the
    housework, and have a strong romantic streak.


    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth
    floor and the sign reads:


    Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.
    There are no men on this floor. This floor exists
    solely as proof that women are impossible to please.


    Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch
    your step as you exit the building, and have a nice
    day!
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  16. #376
    Polk-a-dweeb
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    Damn, summer reruns already.
    9/11 - WE WILL NEVER FORGET!! (<---<<click)
    2005-06 Club Polk Football Pool Champion!! :D

  17. #377

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frank Z
    Damn, summer reruns already.
    Ah come on, tell me it isn't so.

    (Back to the joke bin.)
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  18. #378

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    A drunk was in front of a judge.
    The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
    The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
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  19. #379

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    Those are good. Especially the first one. I had never heard that one before!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  20. #380

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    Silly Joke:

    From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a
    small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

    "Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger
    asks the ship's captain.

    "I have no idea," says the captain; "but, every year when we
    pass by here, he goes crazy."
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    George and his fiancÚ are about to get married

    While making the wedding plans his fiancÚ's sister asks him over, you know wedding stuff.

    So George goes over to the hot sisters house, when he gets there he finds out what kinda plans she had in mind. She tells him ah!! come on one last fling before you get married!!!

    George of course is getting nervous he doesn't know what to do! She starts walking up the stairs all the while undressing herself , when she gets to the top of the stairs she throws her panties down at George.

    George turns runs out the front door to find his fiancÚ and her whole family there clapping for him. His about to be father in law tells him how proud he is to have him marry his daughter.

    Well the moral of the story is...
































    always leave your condoms in the car
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  22. #382

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    Default Divorce

    sorry so hard to read... how does one post a nice big pic that isn't an attachment?
    Attached Images  
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  23. #383

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    Default

    I liked the hot sister one... funny stuff.

    You just have to upload the image somewhere (some website) and then use vb code to put it into your post. Something like this without the spaces

    [ img ]http://astrogeology.usgs.gov/assets/wallpaper/sun.jpg[ /img ]

  24. #384
    Polk-a-dweeb
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    9/11 - WE WILL NEVER FORGET!! (<---<<click)
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    Default tiny link test

    Got it... cool. Thanks guys :)

    Last edited by MrNightly; 04-10-2006 at 11:10 AM.
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  26. #386

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    Default

    What you're doing is attaching the file by clicking on 'Manage Attachments' while creating your post. If you click on it, it will open in another window full-size.

    In order to get it to show up full-size in this window, you have to upload it somewhere on some server so it is on the net somewhere. Then, you get the URL for just that picture. Finally, instead of attaching it, you use [ img ]url[/ img ] in the body of your post without the spaces.
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
    My Saga
    Equipment Pictures

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    Yamaha KX-W900U
    Sony ST-S500ES
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    [In Storage]
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  27. #387

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    Click:

    Then paste the URL for your picture. It will look like this without the spaces (for example):

    [ IMG ]http://www.introscape.com/ready.gif[ /IMG ]

    Once you submit your reply it will look like this:



    (Some of my Graphic Design)

  28. #388

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    Dear President Bush:

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said, "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.

    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

    ***************
    1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this law applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

    2. I
    would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

    4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

    7.
    Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
    Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their
    in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

    Mr. Bush, I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
    Skynut
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  29. #389

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    Quote Originally Posted by Demiurge
    Click:

    Then paste the URL for your picture. It will look like this without the spaces (for example):

    [ IMG ]http://www.introscape.com/ready.gif[ /IMG ]

    Once you submit your reply it will look like this:



    (Some of my Graphic Design)
    Sweet pic. I like it. You do that for a job?
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    Stuff...

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    Life is Good!

  30. #390

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    A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
    While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
    the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
    As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
    nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
    contact.
    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go
    to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
    against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
    Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
    ears."
    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
    they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
    and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
    Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
    Skynut
    SOPA« Founder
    The system Almost there
    DVD Onkyo DV-SP802
    Sunfire Theater Grand II
    Sherbourn 7/2100
    Panamax 5510 power conditioner (for electronics)
    2 PSAudio UPC-200 power conditioners (for amps)
    Front L/R RT3000p (Bi-Wired)
    Center CS1000p (Bi-Wired) (under the television)
    Center RT2000p's (Bi-Wired) (on each side of the television)
    Sur FX1000
    SVS ultra plus 2

    www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
    Thanks for looking

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