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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #391

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    1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
    Unique Up On It.

    2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
    Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

    3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
    They Take The Psycho Path

    4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
    You Boil The ----- Out Of It.

    5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
    Dam!

    6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
    Polaroid's

    7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
    A Stick

    8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
    Nacho Cheese.

    9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
    Subordinate Clauses.

    10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
    Quattro Sinko..

    11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
    Spoiled Milk.

    12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
    Frostbite.

    13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
    A Nervous Wreck.

    14. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
    Right Where You Left Him.

    15. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
    Because They Have Big Fingers.


    16. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
    Sanka.

    17. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
    Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

    18. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
    A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
    A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

    19. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
    Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
    Skynut
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  2. #392

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrNightly
    Sweet pic. I like it. You do that for a job?
    Just screwing around on that one. Glad you like it, despite how cryptic it is. :D

  3. #393

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    A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided
    to buy one and enter it in the races.

    However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

    He thought that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third.

    The next day the local paper carried this headline:

    PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
    The local paper read:


    PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
    The next day, the local paper headline read:


    BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

    The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


    NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

    The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

    The next day, the paper read:


    NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
    Headlines read:


    NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
    The Bishop was buried the next day!
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  4. #394

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    A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
    sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around,
    he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being
    there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions
    to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

    One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
    clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
    lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around
    it.

    But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
    the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them
    continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
    The only survivor was Hilary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hilary
    to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus
    clouds, a warm and gentle breeze--perfect for a night of romance.

    Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the
    urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hilary,
    cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for
    a walk?"
    Skynut
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  5. #395

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    That's funny... My desktop background has been that picture for a while now.
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  6. #396

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    Ha! Bakero took the pictures. I removed his text, masked it all, and then put the animation through the eyes. I should post some of my other stuff. Here's my desktop....



    Currently using APS CS2, and Autodesk 3D Studio Max 8
    Attached Images  

  7. #397

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    Oooh, I really like that last one. It looks great!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  8. #398

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    Quote Originally Posted by Skynut
    A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
    While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
    the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
    As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
    nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
    contact.
    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go
    to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
    against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
    Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
    ears."
    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
    they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
    and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
    Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
    HA. That was the best one yet!!! Made me laugh out loud. Keep 'em coming ;) hehe
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  9. #399

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    Quote Originally Posted by Demiurge
    Ha! Bakero took the pictures. I removed his text, masked it all, and then put the animation through the eyes. I should post some of my other stuff. Here's my desktop....
    Ya, how do I download that for my desktop too? Way cool. is it called, "The Eye of the Storm?" That would be cool. Kinda looks like the house from Amytivile Horror.
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  10. #400

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    After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

    The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
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  11. #401

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrNightly
    Ya, how do I download that for my desktop too? Way cool. is it called, "The Eye of the Storm?" That would be cool. Kinda looks like the house from Amytivile Horror.
    I thought you guys would think this was amusing, so I put it together just now...:D



    Here's the background:
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  12. #402

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrNightly
    After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

    The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
    LOL!! That's one of the best ones in this thread! :p


    Thanks for the pic, demi...it's goin' up on my desktop!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  13. #403

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    Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . ..

    No Jesus

    No Christmas

    No television

    No cheerleaders

    No baseball

    No football

    No hockey

    No golf

    No tailgate parties

    No lobster

    No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

    No gumbo

    No jambalaya

    No Beer !

    Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

    Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

    Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

    More than one wife.

    You can't shave.

    Your wives can't shave.

    You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

    The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

    Your bride is picked by someone else.

    She smells just like your donkey.

    But your donkey has a better disposition.

    Did I mention No Beer ?



    Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!


    I mean, really, is there a mystery here? :D :D :D
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  14. #404

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    1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself

    ...........Mark Twain


    2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

    .......Winston Churchill


    3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

    ............George Bernard Shaw


    4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

    ...........G. Gordon Liddy


    5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

    ...........James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)


    6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

    .....Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University


    7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

    ..............P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian


    8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

    .........Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)


    9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

    ........Ronald Reagan (1986)


    10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

    ............Will Rogers


    11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.

    ........P.J. O'Rourke


    12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

    .......Voltaire (1764)


    13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.

    ........Pericles (430 B.C.)


    14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

    ...Mark Twain (1866)


    15) Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it.

    ....Unknown


    16) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

    .......Ronald Reagan


    17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

    .....Winston Churchill


    18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

    ....Mark Twain


    19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

    ......Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)


    20) There is no distinctly native American criminal class... save Congress.

    ....Mark Twain


    21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

    ......Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)


    22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

    .......Thomas Jefferson
    Skynut
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  15. #405

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    DA VINCI CODE
    Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:



    It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!


    The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.


    The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
    The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."


    Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

    The audience applauded enthusiastically.


    Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left.....
    It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick


    EDIT: the pictures did not come through.
    Skynut
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  16. #406

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    Taxes:

    All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can too, provided you use them for business purposes.

    For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision:

    "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
    if it rains?"

    -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
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  17. #407

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    A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
    $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
    stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
    clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

    "About 32," is the reply.

    "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
    the very same question.

    The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

    The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
    on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
    and asks the clerk this burning question.

    The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

    Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
    to her the same question.

    He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
    young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
    very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
    Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
    best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
    very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
    gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
    against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
    I?"

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
    says, "Madam, you are 50."

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
    tell?"

    The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

    "I promise I won't." she says.

    "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
    Skynut
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  18. #408

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    One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

    So he tied her up and went golfing.

    ***********************************************

    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the darn lottery!"

    The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

    "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."



    ***********************************************


    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


    ***********************************************


    A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

    First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

    The optician showed him a card with the letters:
    'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

    "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."



    ************************************************



    Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

    "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."



    ************************************************



    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
    Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
    We need more! butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
    NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
    Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
    know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
    SALT!"

    The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think
    I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels ike when I'm driving."
    **************************************************
    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
    On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
    On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
    The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
    Skynut
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  19. #409

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    okay, the polish one made me spew mountain dew out of my nose... in the middle of a lecture... oh, man, funny stuff...
    It's not good, very fundamentally simply not good. - geolemon

    "Its not good enough until we have real-time fearmongering. I want my fear mongered as it happens." - Shizelbs

  20. #410

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    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits
    Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

    The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where
    to start with asking for help to rebuild.

    The rest of the world is in shock.

    Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

    Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

    Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

    The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

    The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million
    replacement Mexicans.

    God Bless America!
    Skynut
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    www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
    Thanks for looking

  21. #411

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    John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens, called pullets) and eight or ten roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.


    The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.


    That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.


    Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


    The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!


    John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.


    John was so proud of Butch he entered him in the county fair, and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.


    The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
    Skynut
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    Center CS1000p (Bi-Wired) (under the television)
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    Sur FX1000
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    www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
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  22. #412

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    Ouch. That last one was painfully.. painful. :)
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  23. #413

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    Default Regardless of which way you lean, this is funny :)

    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
    Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

    He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

    St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
    Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

    "Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

    "That is Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
    she never told a lie."

    "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter
    responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice,
    telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

    "Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.

    "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  24. #414

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    Default Happy Easter :D

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
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  25. #415
    webdude
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrNightly
    "Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
    "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
    "Where's Bill Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
    "Clinton's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

  26. #416

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    Quote Originally Posted by petrym
    "Where's Bill Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
    "Clinton's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
    That will work too :D :D :D... Just a joke thread, no political messages attempted, trust me!
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  27. #417

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    ROFL!! Quite a few hilarious additions since I last checked!!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  28. #418

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    There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

    The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

    So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

    Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS
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  29. #419

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    Default oldie goldie

    One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"

    So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"

    Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

    "Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me"!
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  30. #420

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    Default Best one yet!

    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

    "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

    The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

    The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

    There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

    The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
    Stuff...

    RTi12's - front
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