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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #421

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    A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

    He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

    Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

    He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

    The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

    This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he ****s on you."
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  2. #422

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    Quote Originally Posted by Skynut
    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits
    Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

    The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where
    to start with asking for help to rebuild.

    The rest of the world is in shock.

    Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

    Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

    Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

    The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

    The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million
    replacement Mexicans.

    God Bless America!
    Classic! :D
    Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
    group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
    -Drew Carey

    There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
    -Unknown

    My DVD Collection

  3. #423

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    A) The number of physicians in the U.S. Is:


    700,000.




    (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are:


    120,000.




    (C) Accidental deaths per physician is:


    0.171.




    Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health & Human Services.




    Now think about this.... Guns:




    (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. Is:


    80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)




    (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is:


    1,500.




    (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is:


    .000188.




    Statistics courtesy of FBI




    So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.




    Remember, "Gun s don't kill people, doctors do."






    FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.




    Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.




    We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!




    Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention...
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  4. #424

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    Gotta keep it going :)

    A women was pregnant with triplets.

    One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

    She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

    So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

    The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

    On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
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  5. #425

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    Default Old but still some are funny!

    Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    What if there were no hypothetical questions?

    If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    Is there another word for synonym?

    Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

    What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

    If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

    Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

    If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

    Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

    How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

    What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

    Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    How is it possible to have a civil war?

    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

    If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

    Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

    Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

    Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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  6. #426

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    A couple had been married for 50 years.

    They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

    "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

    "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

    "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

    Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

    "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

    "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!
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  7. #427

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    A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
    She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
    "What's the matter?" he asks
    "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
    "What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
    "I can't see my ass coming into work today."

  8. #428
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    what do you call a black person flying an airplane?


















































    a pilot.. you racist pig!

  9. #429
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    this punk rocker kid with a rainbow colored mohawk gets on a bus.the mohawk is huge with all kinds of colors.this old man starts to stare and stare and stare at the kid,finally the kid says to the old man.."what the **** are you looking at? have'nt you done anything wild in your life?"

    the old man says "yes!" i ****ed a parrot once,i thought maybe you were my kid"!

  10. #430

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    This story was buried by the press and has only been recently released by British Intelligence. Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game.
    Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
    Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a few minutes MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply, "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down!"
    I am sorry, I have no opinion on the matter. I am sure you do. So, don't mind me, I just want to talk audio and pie.

  11. #431

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    SICK OF THOSE HIGH PAID TEACHERS

    I, for one, am sick and tired of those high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year!

    It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do...baby-sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage.

    That's right...I would give them $3.00 dollars an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time.

    That would be 15 dollars a day.

    Each parent should pay 15 dollars a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now, how many do they teach in a day.... maybe 25.

    Then that's 15 X 25=$375 a day.

    But remember they only work 190 days a year!

    I'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see...that's 375 x190=$71,250.00

    (Hold on,! my calculator must need batteries!)

    What about those special teachers or the ones with master's degrees?

    Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 an hour. That would be $6 times 5 hours times 25 children times 190 days =$142,500.00 per year.

    Wait a minute, there is something wrong here!!!

    There sure is, duuh????!!
    Tschüss
    Zach

  12. #432

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    Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

    If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

    I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab.

    "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

    "I do not understand," said the other.


    The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

    I said, "No ****?"





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  13. #433
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    A hippie gets on the bus and spots a pretty young nun. He sits down
    next to her, and asks her "Can we have sex?"

    "NO," she replies, "I'm married to God."

    She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who
    overheard turns to the hippie and says "I can tell you how to get to
    have sex with her!"

    "Yeah?" says the hippie.

    "Yeah!" says the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday
    night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe
    with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and
    pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

    The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery
    dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
    "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his
    face,
    "Have sex with me."

    The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to
    anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
    'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes,
    he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

    "Ha-ha," he cries "I am the hippie!"

    "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver!"

  14. #434

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    A young guy from Iowa moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything
    under one roof" department store looking for a job.
    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
    The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Iowa."

    Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
    I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
    was locked up, the boss came down.

    "How many customers bought something from you today?

    The kid says "one".

    The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers
    a day. How much was the sale for?"
    The kid says "$101,237.65".

    The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

    The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
    medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new
    fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
    the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
    the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said
    he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
    automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
    BOAT and a TRUCK?"

    The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I
    said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

  15. #435

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    A teacher doing grad studies, was doing a study testing the
    senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the
    children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to
    identify them by color and flavor. The children began and said:


    Red..........cherry, Yellow......lemon, Green.......lime,
    Orange.....orange.

    Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After
    eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.


    Well, he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother
    may possibly call your father at times."



    One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
    yelled, "Oh My God!!!! They're *******s!"
    Skynut
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  16. #436

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    Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

    Those who remained talked about their kids.

    The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
    ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

    The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

    The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

    The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

    One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

    The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

    The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

    The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.



    And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet,
    and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
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  17. #437

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    TEXAS CONTROL TOWER


    Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

    Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised!"

    Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

    Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great!"

    Pause: Static.............

    Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"

    Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911!"

    Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!"

    Dallas ATC: Well bless your hearts! Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?

  18. #438

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    Default Penis Jokes

    The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in
    the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went
    missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he
    started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

    During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

    All the men stood up.

    "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

    All the women stood up.

    "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that
    doesn't belong to them?"

    Half the women stood up.

    "No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

    All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. But he can't get any sex,
    because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. So he goes to the
    doctor and begs him to shorten it. But the doctor refuses - he can't
    shorten a perfectly good penis, he tells the man, but he does happen to
    know a witch who lives in the forest. She might be able to help.

    Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her, though of course
    he thinks it's all a bit odd. But he sets off into the forest and sure
    enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells.
    "Witch," he says, "please help me, I have a fifty inch long penis and no
    one will have sex with me!"

    She takes one look at his massive cock and then says, "You do need my help.
    But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the
    pond. Ask him to marry you, and each time he refuses, your penis will
    shrink by ten inches!"

    Weird though this is, the man is desperate, so off he goes into the forest.
    And, sure enough, he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself.
    "Froggy," he shouts, "please marry me!" The frog looks up, annoyed. "No!"
    he croaks, "I can't do that, seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man."
    The guy looks down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches! It's
    still a bit long for sex, he thinks, at forty inches, but he's delighted,
    so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh, go on, please marry me!"

    "No - I told you once!" the frog croaks, "I can't do that!" The man looks
    down - sure enough, his penis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only
    thirty inches long! The guy thinks this is wonderful but, still, another
    ten inches off would be perfect!

    "Frog," he roars across the pond, "please marry me!" The frog looks
    extremely annoyed, shakes his head and shouts, "No ..........NO.....AND FOR
    THE LAST TIME.........NO!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to
    join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test. As the Abbott explains
    to the ten potential recruits, "My sons, we must be sure that you won't be
    troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we have a test for all
    our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on the bench, and
    attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked woman comes into
    the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the test. He won't be
    allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he will be sorely
    troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."

    So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied
    to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful
    young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly
    down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single
    erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line
    and pushes her butt into the man's face.

    Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings
    furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his
    erection. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just
    pick it up and leave." So he bends down, naked butt upwards, balls
    dangling, and from behind him comes the tinkling of nine little bells....


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his
    cock on the counter. The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid.
    She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a
    clock shop - not a cock shop!" "Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put
    two hands and a face on it?"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there
    was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities
    - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both
    excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was
    obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.

    So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news.
    I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
    She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack
    off, I've got a terrible headache?"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. Something to do
    with the black stockings maybe. Anyhow, he knows that if you don't ask you
    don't get, so he turns to her and says: "Sister, will you have sex with
    me?"

    "Oh no," she says, shocked, "I can't possibly do that. I'm married to God."

    Well, he's disappointed, but he sees her point, so he thinks that's that.
    But when he gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him - "Hey," he
    whispers, "I know how you can get to have sex with her!" "You do?" the guy
    says, "quick, tell me!"

    "Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray, and all you have to
    do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false
    beard, tell her you're God, and she'll have sex with you!"

    Well, he's skeptical, but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the
    cemetery. Sure enough, the nun comes in and begins to pray. "I am God," the
    man declares, keeping his hood low about his face, "and you must have sex
    with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself
    to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. Well, he's
    pretty desperate too, so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with
    her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
    "Ha-ha," he cries, "I'm not God, I'm the man in the bus!" "Ha-ha," cries
    the nun, "Guess what? I'm the bus driver!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he
    asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
    "Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes
    to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the
    Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie
    for $265.00."

    "Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the
    others are only $19.95?"

    "Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house,
    Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in
    small letters on the board. She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say
    anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class. But the next day
    when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time
    written slightly larger.

    So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson. Again next day, in
    larger letters, there was the word "penis" again. With a red face she
    rubbed it out and went on with the lesson. Well, this went on for a whole
    week, every day the word penis getting bigger. Finally, on Friday she went
    into the classroom to find chalked up: "See, the harder you rub it, the
    bigger it gets!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can
    make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers
    something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.

    So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but
    his time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy
    comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the
    bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing. The horse's
    owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just gotta know - how
    did you do that?"

    "Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him.
    This week I showed him...."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This guy's walking along the beach when he kicks a bottle. Much to his
    surprise, a genie flies out. "Oh master," it declaims, "your wish is my
    command."

    Great, thinks the guy, his chance has finally come! "Genie," he demands,
    "give me a cock that touches the floor."
    Whereupon both his legs fell off.

  19. #439

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    Default Penis Jokes #2

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It's 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough
    frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike
    and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to
    the point: "So how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Like you do, I
    think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be
    sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one
    night.

    Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
    He's got only a tiny penis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch
    thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed
    beyond belief. The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?" he asks, "What's
    the matter?" "Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to go inside
    me!"

    "No problem," he says, and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With
    each slap, his cock grows till it's actually pretty long. "Well," she says,
    "that's very impressive, but it's still quite narrow...." "No problem,"
    says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
    cock grows wider and wider until it's huge! "Wow!" shouts Maureen, before
    they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

    Next day the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate
    ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?"

    "I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How
    about you?"

    "It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just
    kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This man's in the line at the supermarket check out. But when he gets to
    the register he realizes he's forgotten to pick up his condoms. So he asks
    the checkout girl if she could have someone bring them. She replies, "Of
    course, Sir, but I'll just check your size. Drop your pants please." Wow,
    he thinks, this is great service, and he drops 'em. She reaches over the
    counter, grabs his cock, picks the store intercom and announces, "One box
    of large condoms to check out 10."

    Well, the next man in line thought this was interesting and, so, when he
    gets to the check out, he tells the checker that he too has forgotten to
    get condoms, and asks if she could have some brought up to the register.
    Sure enough, she asks him to drop his pants to check his size, gives him a
    quick feel, picks up the store intercom and says, "One box of medium sized
    condoms to check out 10."

    A few customers back was this teen-age boy. He thought what he'd seen was
    just so cool, and he'd never had any sexual experience with a woman, so
    this seemed like his big chance. When he gets to the register, he tells the
    checker he needs some condoms bringing up. She asks him what size, and he
    says he doesn't know. So she asks him to drop his pants for her to check.
    One quick feel, and she picks up the intercom and announces, "Clean up crew
    to check out 10!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He'd been employed there for years when he
    came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
    urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

    His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he saw sex therapist to talk
    about it, but Bill refused - he'd be too embarrassed, he said, and vowed to
    overcome the compulsion on his own.

    So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day white-faced. His wife knew
    something was seriously wrong. "My God, Bill, what's wrong?" she asked.
    Bill looked at her. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
    tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh Bill, you didn't," she moaned, horrified.
    "Yes, I did," replied Bill.
    "My God, Bill, what happened?"
    "I got fired."
    "No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"
    "Oh, she got fired too."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick;
    The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.

    A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
    An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

    It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
    His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

    It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
    But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

    It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
    It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

    Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
    A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

    During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
    A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

    But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure.
    I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

    Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
    Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

    They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
    But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

    Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
    That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.
    Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
    Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

    It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
    To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

    But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
    Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

    And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
    Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

    And so I'd say with certainty
    That every man just loves his tool:
    But girls, be sure you never chew,
    Just suck and fondle, lick and play,
    And never, ever bend!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why E-mail Is Like a Penis

    1. Some people have it, some don't.
    2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were cut off.
    3. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
    to get any real work done.
    4. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
    would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
    5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
    viruses.
    6. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours.
    7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
    and influence warrant.
    8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
    trouble.
    9. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
    will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do
    that?"
    It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the
    same damn dumb things it did before.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
    urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of
    business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a
    leak.
    Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
    Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks,
    "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."
    Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah,
    OK."
    Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair
    clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the
    guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes
    it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I
    really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong
    with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I
    don't know, but I ain't touching it."

  20. #440

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    A British company is developing computer chips that
    store music in women's breast implants.

    A company spokesperson declares this a major
    breakthrough, as women are always complaining about
    men staring at their breasts without listening to them.
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  21. #441
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    Default

    One Way To Get Customer Service

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund
    for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't
    give her a refund because she bought it on special.

    Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "PINCH
    MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

    The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing
    crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's
    wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he
    can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.


    Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,
    "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!" and
    doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

    In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

    In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES
    PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

    The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
    9/11 - WE WILL NEVER FORGET!! (<---<<click)
    2005-06 Club Polk Football Pool Champion!! :D

  22. #442
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    Default

    I don't get a chance to read this very often so I don't know if this one has been done.

    1. Who's the most popular guy in the office?

    The guy that can carry 2 pots of coffee and a dozen donuts at the same time.

    2. Who's the most popular girl in the office?

    The girl that can eat the last donut.

  23. #443
    Polk Woodpecker
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    Default

    Took me a minute. Pretty good though.

  24. #444

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    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

    As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

    He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

    He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."

    Time stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.

    It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

    "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

    And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:
    "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
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  25. #445

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    ROFL!!

    :p
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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    Lame, but I had to :)

    A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would
    help him better understand the fears and temptations his
    future congregations faced if he first took a job as a
    policeman for several months. He passed the physical
    examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to
    act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

    Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to
    disperse a frenzied crowd?"

    He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a
    collection."
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    This is a clip from the BBC show "Man Stroke Woman". The scene was based off an old joke so I thought I would post it here.

    Sorry if this is a repeat.

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  28. #448

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  29. #449

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrNightly
    Figures.
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    Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?

    California became a state.
    The State had no electricity.
    The State had no money.
    Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
    There were gun fights in the streets.

    So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.
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