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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #991

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    A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
    brass gong and a mallet. 'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup,' replied the drunk. 'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You *******...it's three-fifteen in the morning!'
    .
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  2. #992

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    brett, that had me rolling!
    My system

    "The world is an ever evolving clusterf*ck." --treitz3

  3. #993
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    A friend of mine told me she used to date a pilot that had a wolf and a monkey. I told her I didn't wanna know anymore than that.

  4. #994

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    This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

    After Mr. & Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.



    Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men...he found shopping boring & preferred to get in & get out.



    Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women...she loved to browse.


    One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.


    Dear Mrs. Fenton,

    Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. June 15:

    Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
    people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2:
    Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at
    5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7:
    Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
    the women's restroom.

    4. July 19:
    Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
    voice, "Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away."

    5. August 4:
    Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
    M&M's on layaway.

    6. September 14:
    Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

    7. September 15:
    Set up a tent in the camping department & told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

    8. September 23:
    When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

    9. October 4:
    Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. November 10:
    While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. December 3:
    Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible"
    theme.

    12. December 6:
    In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of
    funnels.

    13. December 18:
    Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK
    ME!"

    14. December 21:
    When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

    And last but not least,

    15. December 23:
    Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

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  5. #995

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    +100 Ron, too funny!
    My system

    "The world is an ever evolving clusterf*ck." --treitz3

  6. #996

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    Default Prison vs. Work

    Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer:

    @ prison, you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell
    @ work, you spend the majority of your time in a 6x6 cubicle/office

    @ prison, you get three meals a day fully paid for
    @ work, you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

    @ prison, you get time off for good behavior
    @ work, you get more work for good behavior

    @ prison, the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
    @ work, you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

    @ prison, you can watch TV and play games
    @ work, you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

    @ prison, you get your own toilet
    @ work, you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

    @ prison, they allow your family and friends to visit
    @ work, you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

    @ prison, all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
    @ work, you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

    @ prison, you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
    @ work, you spend most of your tine wanting to get out and go inside bars

    @ prison, you must deal with sadistic wardens
    @ work, they are called managers


    There is something SERIOUSLY WRONG with this picture!!!!!!

    Now get back to work...........you're not getting paid to check emails.......
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  7. #997

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    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
    Christmas Party.
    He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
    As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
    saw is a couple of aspirins next

    to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single
    red rose!
    Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
    pressed.
    He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
    spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
    back at him in the

    bathroom mirror.
    Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
    red with little hearts on it and
    a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

    'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to
    make you your favorite dinner

    tonight.
    I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.

    'He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
    breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
    His son is also at the table, eating.
    Jack asks,'Son... what happened last night?'
    'Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your
    mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked
    in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
    Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such
    perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the
    table waiting for me??'
    His son replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
    and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me
    alone bitch, I'm married!!'

    Broken Coffee Table $239.99
    Hot Breakfast $4.20
    Two Aspirins $.38
    Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
    Wris****ch--->Crisco

  8. #998

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    Micro soft

  9. #999
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    I watch american idol with the mute on using closed captioning and then I vote :D

  10. #1000

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    When George and Laura Bush have sex, why does Laura have to get on top?

    Because George always f*cks up.
    HT/2-channel Rig: Sony 50” LCD TV; Toshiba HD-A2 DVD player; Emotiva LMC-1 pre/pro; Rogue Audio M-120 monoblocks (modded); Placette RVC; Emotiva LPA-1 amp; Bada HD-22 tube CDP (modded); VMPS Tower II SE (fronts); DIY Clearwave Dynamic 4CC (center); Wharfedale Opus Tri-Surrounds (rear); and VMPS 215 sub

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  11. #1001

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    Son asked his mother the following question:

    'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'

    The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

    The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

    'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

    The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
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    Thanks for looking

  12. #1002

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    Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  13. #1003
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skynut View Post
    Son asked his mother the following question:
    'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
    Mom: Because it's the happiest day of her life.
    Son: So why is the groom wearing black?

  14. #1004

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    Default Joke Of The Day.....

    Candyliquor35m.

  15. #1005
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    Quote Originally Posted by BaggedLancer View Post
    C.
    Glad to be of service :p

  16. #1006

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    My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'



    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
    ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'


    My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ........You could learn a lot from him.'

    We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
    capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

    I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
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  17. #1007

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    Ouch... hehehe
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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    Life is Good!

  18. #1008

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    The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

    "Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

    "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

    "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see
    these two old-timers having sex against a fence; I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
    tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

    As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

    Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

    The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple
    passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must' ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of
    secret to this?"

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."

  19. #1009

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    Q: How do you hide money from a Redneck?

































    A: Put it under the Soap!
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  20. #1010

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    > Golf has given us some unusual and colorful terms to describe shots....Shank, chili-dip, skull, duck-hook, worm-burner, etc. Here are some new ones to add to your vocabulary:
    >
    > A *Paris Hilton* - a very expensive hole.
    > A *Rock Hudson* - it looked straight, but wasn't.
    > A *Saddam Hussein* - from one bunker into another.
    > A *Yasser Arafat* - butt ugly and in the sand.
    > A *John Kennedy Jr*. - didn't make it over the water.
    > An *Elephant's Ass* - it's high and it stinks.
    > A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed.
    > An *O.J. Simpson* - got away with it.
    > A *Princess Grace* - should have used a driver.
    > A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have used a driver.
    > A *condom* - safe, but didn't feel very good.
    > A *Brazilian* - shaved the hole.
    > A *Rush Limbaugh* - a bit too far to the right.
    > A *Nancy Pelosi* - way too far to the left.
    > A 'Barbra Streisand' - ugly but still working.
    > A 'Teddy Kennedy' - goes in the water, but jumps out.
    > A *Peewee Herman* - too much wrist.

  21. #1011

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    Two blondes are sitting out on the porch at night. One asks the other, which do you think is a longer distance from here, Florida or the moon? The other blonde responds, 'Duh! can you see Florida from here?'
    _____________________________________________
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  22. #1012
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    I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at the Las Vegas Fair Grounds this weekend if anybody wants them. He's going to try to jump over 500 Democrats with a bulldozer.

  23. #1013

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    Why sentence structure is important


    The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
    people, Debra or Jack.

    It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

    Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
    the water cooler the next morning.

    Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
    all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

    The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before
    but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

    'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like **** this morning...'
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  24. #1014

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    AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

    1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!
    The blockage will instantly remove itself.

    2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat, by using the sink.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
    the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going
    back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

    7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
    If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

    8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    Daily Thought:

    SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
    BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

    If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
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  25. #1015

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    Quote Originally Posted by MGPK View Post
    AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

    1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!
    The blockage will instantly remove itself.

    2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat, by using the sink.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
    the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going
    back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

    7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
    If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

    8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

    Daily Thought:

    SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING
    BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

    If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
    Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! That's awesome!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
    My Saga
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  26. #1016

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    All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear!



    These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

    1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com. (Put a break between the e and the p.)

    2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:



    www.expertsexchange.com. (break between t and s and x and c.)



    3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than

    'Pen Island'. It can be found at:



    www.penisland.net.(need I say it?)



    4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com. between e and r, between t and f.)

    5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at:



    www.powergenitalia.com. (oh, boy!!)



    6.'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com. (nuf said.)



    7. 'The First Cumming Methodist Church' Web site is:www.cummingfirst.com. (wouldn't you know it??)



    8. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site:

    www.speedofart.com. (uh.oh, look out!)



    Have a fun day! Just be careful what you name YOUR new web site
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  27. #1017

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    Default Retirement Plan Investment Tip

    If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
    With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.
    With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
    If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.
    If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
    But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.00.

    Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
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    "God grooves with tubes."

  28. #1018

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    Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
    My Saga
    Equipment Pictures

    [2CH]
    Rotel RCD-02
    Yamaha KX-W900U
    Sony ST-S500ES
    Denon DP-7F
    Parasound P/HP-850
    Parasound HCA-1000A
    Klipsch RF-35


    [In Storage]
    Yamaha CDR-HD1300
    ASL Wave 20 monoblocks
    Pro-Ject Phono Box MKII


    [Car System]
    Pioneer Premier DEH-P860MP
    Memphis 16-MCA3004
    Boston Acoustic RC520

  29. #1019

    Member Sales Rating: (17)

    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Central NJ
    Posts
    11,416

    Default

    Last edited by Lasareath; 04-29-2008 at 04:18 PM.
    Polk Audio SDA SRS 1.2TL's
    With new Exotic wood, Sonicaps, Mills & RDO198's - Born on 4-24-1989 and Signed by Matthew Polk!!!!


    My Polk SDA SRS 1.2TL's http://www.LASAREATH.com/


    It All Started here: http://tinyurl.com/lasareath2

    Part Deux: http://tinyurl.com/lasareath3

    Car Stereo---->http://www.salsleaf.com/leaf_stereo/index.htm<---- NEW for 2013

  30. #1020

    Member Sales Rating: (2)

    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    BC, Canada
    Posts
    2,904

    Default

    Deja vu....

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