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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #1171

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    The Haircut

    One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

    When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept mone y from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

    The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at hi s door.

    Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

    The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to I mprove Your Business'and 'Becoming More Successful.'

    Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

    The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
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  2. #1172

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    Quote Originally Posted by TNRabbit View Post
    The Haircut

    One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

    When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept mone y from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

    The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at hi s door.

    Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

    The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to I mprove Your Business'and 'Becoming More Successful.'

    Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

    The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
    That did give me a smile....I only wish it were a joke....

  3. #1173

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    Default Thought of the day

    "If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year only two Banks will be operational, the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!
    Then these 2 banks will merge and it will be called "The Bloody ****ing Bank"









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  4. #1174

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    What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?

    They're both fun to ride until your buddies find out.:D

  5. #1175

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    Quote Originally Posted by average_guy View Post
    That did give me a smile....I only wish it were a joke....

    unfortunately that is very true
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  6. #1176

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    My 1st attempt in this thread.

    Monk to the Listening Crowd : "Dear followers, Patience is a Virtue itself"

    A whisper comes from an old crippled guy from the crowd : "What do you know? You are not married! Look at me what the patience did to me in the 50 years of marriage."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Now A Little Dirtier One...........

    Husband With Sarcastic Voice : Holding a science journey on the hands and turn to the wife "Do you know the latest finding in the journal suggested that Women are on and off every 15 minutes?"

    Wife in Shallow Voice Replies : Oh, Did they find out how men are on for 15 minutes and off for months since they wear a ring on their ring finger?

  7. #1177

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    Detroit Lions
    "If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year Only two Banks will be operational, the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank. Then these 2 banks will merge and it will be called 'The Bloody ****ing Bank'"

  8. #1178

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    Default

    Bump. I need a good laugh, someone please humor me.

  9. #1179

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    On the (w)hole, Preparation H feels good.

  10. #1180

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    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit
    Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good
    quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the
    Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a
    ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene
    in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted
    a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm.
    He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window
    100 yards away.

    KABOOM!

    He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a
    chimney.

    KA-BLOOEY!

    Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

    BULLS-EYE!

    "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings
    him to the States and teaches him the great game of
    football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

    The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football,
    and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man
    wants is to call his mother.

    "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won
    the Super Bowl!"

    "I don't want to talk to you, the old Afghan woman
    says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

    "I don't think you understand, Mother," the
    young man pleads "I've won the greatest sporting
    event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
    adoring fans."

    "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts.
    "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.
    The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were
    beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have
    to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get
    raped!"

    The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will
    never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

  11. #1181

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    There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across
    the ocean.


    The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.'

    Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

    The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying
    butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

    The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange panties.'

    'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

    The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I'm floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'

    The third old lady says, 'Well, I'm not going to wear any panties...'

    'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

    'Dat's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties,' the third lady
    said, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black
    box first.

  12. #1182

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    Little Johnny comes downstairs and says to his mom, "Ma, ma I found a shrimp!"

    With a questioning look his mom says "what?"

    Johnny replies back "Yeah I found a shrimp! Cmon i'll show ya".

    So he leads his mom up the stairs and down the hall into gramma's room. Disturbingly gramma is lying on the bed buck naked and taking a nap.

    As they walk in the room Johnny points down at grammas pussy and says "see ma there is the shrimp!"

    In complete shock Johnny's mom slowly stumbles to say "ummm.. someday Johnny, you will learn, that is called a vagina".

    Johnny sharply replies back to his mom with, "well you can call it what you want ma, but it tastes like shrimp to me!"
    Most of them only hear how loud it sounds, and the rest of us hear everything else -

  13. #1183

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    Two women were playing golf.

    One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

    The ball hit one of the men.

    He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

    'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

    'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

    He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

    At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

    He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

  14. #1184

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    Quite a scare in Washington, D.C. today. Police were called to the White House. Apparently President Obama was in a meeting with some potential Cabinet nominees when someone noticed a suspicious-looking document on the table that no one had ever seen before. Turns out it was just a tax form.

  15. #1185

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    President Obama telephoned former President Bush in Dallas Friday to brief him about his plans to withdraw United States troops from Iraq. The call was merely a courtesy. If he really wanted an expert on pullouts he would have called Bill Clinton.

  16. #1186

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    The White House complained Sunday after Rush Limbaugh rallied conservatives to oppose the president. They think dissent isn't helpful. On baseball's opening day, Barack Obama will be at Washington Nationals Stadium to throw out the First Amendment.

  17. #1187

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    Hillary Clinton flew to the Middle East Monday to deliver nine hundred million dollars to the Palestinian Authority. The money is for construction projects. Everywhere Hamas operates there's a building boom, just not necessarily in that order.

  18. #1188

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    The U.S. government guaranteed the $900 million will go directly to the Palestinian people . . . why can’t we get that deal in this country?

  19. #1189

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    The stock market is fluctuating wildly. I haven’t seen this much bouncing up and down since Clinton was in the White House.

  20. #1190

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    Venezuela's dictator Hugo Chavez was told by his doctor Monday to stop talking due to a throat problem. He wants him to stay off the air for a month. If Wall Street can get that doctor to prescribe this for Barack Obama it could save the stock market.

  21. #1191

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    Default

    Name:  bank-of-obama.jpg
Views: 100
Size:  21.0 KB

  22. #1192

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    Default Here's a joke

    Fox News
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  23. #1193

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    Date: Sunday, March 8, 2009, 12:51 PM


    A woman had been in a coma for months. Nurses were in her room
    giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and
    noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
    touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
    definite movement.

    They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
    'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick &
    bring her out of the coma.'

    The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close
    the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his
    wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no
    pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What
    happened!?' they cried.

    The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

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  24. #1194

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    Quote Originally Posted by timlitton View Post
    Fox News
    Here's another one :
    timlitton

    Keep the politics to yourself.
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  25. #1195

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    Quote Originally Posted by bobman1235 View Post
    Here's another one :
    timlitton

    Keep the politics to yourself.
    Here's one more... bobman1235 who reads 8 obama jokes in a row and a racist genital joke from the same person and chooses to wax offended at the Fox News comment.

    Weak man. Weak.
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  26. #1196

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    Anywhoo...

    Saw this on another forum. An old Calvin and Hobbes that is eerily relevant to current events.


  27. #1197

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    When is it time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house?

    When the big hand touches the little hand

  28. #1198

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    MISSING CONDOMS....

    A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
    His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

    Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

    "Yeah, once or twice," he said.

    "You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked.

    "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

  29. #1199

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    A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

    The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

    On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

    The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

    He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

    A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

    The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and roared,

    “'Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out and don't come back!”



    Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

    'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?

    From across the room came a timid voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

  30. #1200

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    Quote Originally Posted by carpenter View Post
    Detroit Lions

    Quote Originally Posted by woodsman10b View Post
    Little Johnny comes downstairs and says to his mom, "Ma, ma I found a shrimp!"

    With a questioning look his mom says "what?"

    Johnny replies back "Yeah I found a shrimp! Cmon i'll show ya".

    So he leads his mom up the stairs and down the hall into gramma's room. Disturbingly gramma is lying on the bed buck naked and taking a nap.

    As they walk in the room Johnny points down at grammas pussy and says "see ma there is the shrimp!"

    In complete shock Johnny's mom slowly stumbles to say "ummm.. someday Johnny, you will learn, that is called a vagina".

    Johnny sharply replies back to his mom with, "well you can call it what you want ma, but it tastes like shrimp to me!"

    Best and worst jokes on the same page, respectively. Dear god, woodsman, have you no shame?
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