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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #271

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    An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Arizona.

    Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some
    on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly.

    He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

    Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."

    Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the
    room completely naked except for the cowboy boots.

    Again, he asks, only a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

    Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was
    hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

    Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?

    IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

    To which Bessie replies, "Ya shoulda bought a hat, Ray, Ya Shoulda bought a hat."
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  2. #272

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    Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women
    are from Venus"; offered by an English professor from the University
    of Colorado for an actual class assignment:

    The professor told his class one day: "Today we
    will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is
    simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her
    immediate right.

    As homework tonight, one of you will write the
    first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that
    paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another
    copy to me.

    The first person will then add a third paragraph,
    and so on back-and-forth.

    Remember to re-read what has been written each time
    in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO
    talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be
    written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has
    been reached."

    The following was actually turned in by two of his
    English students: Rebecca and Gary.

    THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea
    she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy
    evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in
    happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all
    costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and
    if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So
    chamomile was out of the question.

    (second paragraph by Gary)

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of
    the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important
    things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo
    named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
    " A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
    communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..."
    But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of
    nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from
    the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

    (Rebecca)

    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers
    of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
    her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
    pondered wistfully.

    (Gary)

    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
    of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
    its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
    the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had
    left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
    determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
    passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course
    for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
    With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.
    The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The
    President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the
    ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
    explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

    (Rebecca)

    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery
    of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic
    semi-literate adolescent.

    (Gary)

    Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic
    whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of
    Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort
    of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo
    who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

    (Rebecca)

    As*h%le.

    (Gary)

    B*tch!

    (Rebecca)

    F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

    (Gary)

    In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

    (TEACHER)

    A+ - I really liked this one.

  3. #273

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    It just kept getting better and better, and then the teacher's comment comes along and tops it all off! ROFL! That's hilarious!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
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  4. #274

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    Default What's your name?

    A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
    standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

    "My name is Carmen," she told him.

    "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

    "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
    - most cars and men."

    "What's your name?" she asked.

    "Beertits," he said.
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  5. #275

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    Default Brokeback Mountain retold.

    A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

    The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

    The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

    The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

    "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your a$$ is for."
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  6. #276

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    nm......
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  7. #277

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    Default The old farmers pond.

    The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely; picnic
    tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and peach
    trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
    built.

    One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
    He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring
    back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
    he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
    skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of
    his presence.

    At once, they all went to the deep end.

    One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
    The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch
    you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."

    Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

    Moral: Old men can still think fast!
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  8. #278

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    Default Why I'm so tired

    Subject: Why I'm so tired


    For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

    Here's why...

    The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired.

    That leaves 133 million to do the work.

    There are 85 million in school.

    Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

    Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

    Leaving 19 million to do the work.

    2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

    Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

    Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

    And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

    Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

    That leaves just two people to do the work.

    You and somebody else.

    And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

    Nice. Real nice.
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  9. #279

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    Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
    Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
    Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
    Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
    Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
    Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
    Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
    Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
    Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
    Defense Attorney: Why not?
    Little Old Lady: It f elt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.
    Defense Attorney: What happened next?
    Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
    Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
    Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
    Defense Attorney: Why not?
    Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
    Defense Attorney: What happened next?
    Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
    Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
    Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
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    Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my
    husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
    telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
    If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
    paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

    Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stood back in
    front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
    "How long will this take?" I asked
    "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
    I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
    my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
    Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

    He's still alive, he may even walk again.
    I am sorry, I have no opinion on the matter. I am sure you do. So, don't mind me, I just want to talk audio and pie.

  11. #281

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    Roflol
    ***WAREMTAE***

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    Albert and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

    One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Albert suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Albert out.

    When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
    immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
    considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
    and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you
    were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    The bad news is that Albert, the patient you saved, hung himself in
    the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
    I am so sorry, but he's dead."

    Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
    "How soon can I go home?"
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  13. #283

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    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Greg the bartender,
    Just had another fight with the little woman."Pour me
    a stiff one,

    "Oh yeah?" said Greg. "And how did this one end?"

    "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on
    her hands and knees."

    "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

    She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little
    chicken-****."
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  14. #284

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    Quote Originally Posted by BobMcG
    A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

    The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

    The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

    The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

    "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your a$$ is for."

    Whoa, Whoa, WHOA! Wait here just a minute. I think this "joke" is in very poor taste. I'm sorry but AIDS is not funny. Imagine if one of your loved ones were diagnosed with AIDS, how would you feel?
    AIDS is no laughing matter. I would hope that we could have fun and joke about other topics.. but not this one. I'm ashamed someone would stupe this low.

    Joke all you want about Brokeback Mountain, it's just a movie... fiction if you will. But AIDS is not fiction, and it's certainly not funny.

    I hope I"m not the only person who was offended by this "joke".
    Last edited by danger boy; 03-15-2006 at 11:23 PM.

  15. #285

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    Danger --

    IMO, it's not a joke about AIDS. It's a joke about getting it up the a-hole. Not everyone with AIDS got it from men having sex with men. If you want to be offended, you should be offended about a joke that pokes fun at homosexual relations.
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  16. #286

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    totally disagree.. if you read it's "meaning" it does speak about homosexual relations... the joke is implied that it's between two men. no mention of a male/female relationship.

    Why choose AIDS as the illness for a joke?

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    The problem I have with it is that it's not a joke........it's a guised statement......even aside from the fact I'm gay, I don't really see the comical factor in it

    It's hypocritical for Justin to allow that joke but close down every other thread that even mentions the movie and is being discussed in a civil manner.

    I almost said something after it was posted, and should have left my comments there, but regardless........

    I PM'd Bob a few times and never received a response......either he doesn't care about the message he's sending out, or he hasn't received the PM's.......
    Last edited by brettw22; 03-15-2006 at 11:41 PM.
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  18. #288

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    people have different senses of humor...I have a sister and a brother that are mentally handicapped so the mental hospital one may have offended me. While I value your opinions very much, something can be said just about any joke in here
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  19. #289

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    Agreed....different senses of humor are one thing........that's not the problem with that post.....
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  20. #290
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    Lighten up. I thought this was a joke thread. What do you do if you're offended by something on TV?....change the channel. I think there are far more offensive things on the internet, so if you don't like what you see...change the channel. My mother died when I was 21, but I'll hang with anyone who wants to throw down "yo momma" jokes. Life is too short to get sand in your vaginal crevice. Get back to the jokes or this is getting locked.

  21. #291

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    THAT POST OF YOURS WAS A JOKE, JOSH! :D

    OH YES I DID. :p :p

    Okay....

    YEAR 1981
    1. Prince Charles got married.
    2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
    3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
    4. Pope died.

    YEAR 2005
    1. Prince Charles got married.
    2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
    3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
    4. Pope died.

    In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope.

  22. #292

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    Quote Originally Posted by Demiurge
    In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope.
    LOL That's a good one.

    And, good response, Josh.
    Last edited by audiobliss; 03-16-2006 at 12:28 PM. Reason: 'twas Josh, not Justin
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
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  23. #293

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    Here's one that's made the rounds, but I still get a kick out of it when I read it:

    Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer
    -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie
    pops out of it "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes
    total," says the Genie.

    The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
    also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof!
    With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made
    fertile for farming.

    Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,
    Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our
    precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the
    Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

    The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about
    this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high,
    500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or
    out -- it's virtually impenetrable."

    The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
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  24. #294

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    Quote Originally Posted by audiobliss
    LOL That's a good one.

    And, good response, Justin.

    it was Josh not Justin that reponded. ;)


    OK. i guess it's perfecly ok to offend people living with AIDS in here. I honestly thought this place and the people who are a part of Club Polk were above that. It speaks volumes to your integrity.

    I'm dropping it now. Changing channels.

  25. #295

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    Everyone is offened by jokes at some point.

  26. #296

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    Quote Originally Posted by danger boy
    it was Josh not Justin that reponded. ;)
    Doh! Wow...just look at what assumptions can get ya into. lol

    And I'll refrain commenting on the rest of your reply since, though I want to, JOSH has requested we drop it.
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  27. #297

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    A bit o' irish humor : (Sorry if some are repeats... copy and paste baby ;))


    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
    over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
    cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

    "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
    must have had something in his hand."

    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
    lickin' he gave me with it."

    "Well," says Se! an, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
    have something in your hand?"

    "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
    beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

    ------------------------

    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
    city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
    road. A cop pulls him over.

    "So," says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?"

    "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
    this evening."

    "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
    across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
    car?"

    Oh! , thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
    gone deaf."

    -------------------------------

    Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
    night celebrating.
    Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking
    anymore tonight, Paddy!"

    Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his
    stool and steps off and falls flat on his face.

    "Shoite," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
    himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face
    again.

    "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can
    just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the
    door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
    sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

    "...
    I'm smashed," he says to himself. He can see his house just a few doors
    down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the
    door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way."
    So he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to
    the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says,
    "Dang it" and ultimately climbs into bed.

    The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

    Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was smashed. But how'd you know?"

    "Mick phoned, . . . (scroll down... )









    You left your wheelchair at the pub."

    -------------------------------

    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
    at her door "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
    husband?"

    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an a! accident
    down at the Guinness brewery."

    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
    quickly?"

    Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

    --------------------------------------

    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
    and she's in tears.

    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
    night."

    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.Tell me, Mary, did he have any
    last requests?"

    She says. "That he did, Father."

    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

    She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

    --------------------------------

    AND THE BEST FOR LAST A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
    confessional booth,sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few
    times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use
    knocking, there's no paper on this side either."
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  28. #298

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    Default Out 4 the night

    A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

    The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

    "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bi*** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her a$$ downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shi* in the vegetable garden again either!"
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  29. #299

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    Quote Originally Posted by BobMcG
    A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

    The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

    "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bi*** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her a$$ downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shi* in the vegetable garden again either!"
    ...and the taxi driver says, "Yeah, I had to do the same thing to my mother-in-law last week."
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  30. #300

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    Quote Originally Posted by Early B.
    ...and the taxi driver says, "Yeah, I had to do the same thing to my mother-in-law last week."
    :D :D
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