THE joke thread

[Skynut]

Little Tony was staying with
his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside
with the other kids for a while
when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called
when 2 people are sleeping in the same room
and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback,
but decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK"
and went back outside to talk
and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse!
It's called Bunk Beds!".
And Jimmy's Mom
REALLY wants to talk to you right now."

[Skynut]

I was in my back yard yesterday, trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite

[Skynut]

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter asks, "Male or female?"

Customer: "Female"

Counter guy: "Black or white?"

Customer: "White"

Counter guy: "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer: "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy: "The Muslim one blows itself up."

[zombie boy 2000]

Derka derka ... JIHAD JIHAD!!!!:D

[Skynut]

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

[del44]

What does a tornado and marriage have in common? At first there's a lot of sucking and blowing, and then poof your house is gone.

[Skynut]

A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Missouri recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"No, sir, I don't have any of those licenses, no. You must understand these are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Yea. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden.

The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"

The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.

We in Missouri may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as dumb as most government employees.

[Skynut]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude
and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above
sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican".

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost! Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat".

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but
somehow, now it's my fault."

[Skynut]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . . ."That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

[Skynut]

The Southern Lady

A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the
Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared
the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead. I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump,
you dumb ass Yankee."

[Skynut]

A teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment. They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories:

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."

"And what is the moral to that story?"

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

"That was a fine example, Tammy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

[MrNightly]

A teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment. They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories:

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."

"And what is the moral to that story?"

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

"That was a fine example, Tammy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

Classic! Thank you!

[Skynut]

Fluctuations
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I
went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just
one
guy in front of me...
The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated...
He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday, I get two hunat
dolla fo yen ~ today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[Rich64]

THE BAR THING.......


Five young dudes BS'ing at the corner of the bar, on how often they enjoy sex.

The first guy says he likes to get it twice a week.....

The second guy says he's got to have it three times a week.....

The third guy says he likes it four times a week...

The fourth guy says he likes it bout five times a week...

The fifth guy says he'll go every day...

[Rich64]

The Old man at the of the bar is sitting there grinnin his ass off....

The young dude looks over and says, you look awful happy old fella..

Being curious, the young dude asks, how often do you do it?????

The old man sittin there just smilin away says..."once a year"....

ONCE A YEAR ..?????....ARE YOU NUTS...???

How can you be soooooooooo happy if your only gettin it once a year...???

The old man says.....cuz tonights the night.!!!!!!

[bobman1235]

THE BAR THING.......


Five young dudes BS'ing at the corner of the bar, on how often they enjoy sex.

The first guy says he likes to get it twice a week.....

The second guy says he's got to have it three times a week.....

The third guy says he likes it four times a week...

The fourth guy says he likes it bout five times a week...

The fifth guy says he'll go every day...

OK, I feel dumb, but... huh?

EDIT Ok there was a second post to finish the joke. Gocha.

[petrym]

There was an IMINT guy, a SIGINT guy and a MASINT guy in a bar (IMINT is imagery intelligence, SIGINT is signals intelligence and MASINT is measurements and signatures intelligence). They were having a chat and they noticed a couple of young ladies in the corner on the other side of the bar having a very heated discussion. They looked at each other and said, "It would be really nice if we knew what those young ladies were saying. We're intelligence types, we should be able to figure this out."

The IMINT guy says, "I've got it, I've got this new long-dwell imaging system," and pulls out a big telescope. "I've got a new focal point array that I can update very rapidly, I can look at the video and I can read their lips and figure out what they're saying." He sets it up, gets it calibrated, gets it in focus; and every time he gets it into focus the ladies turn and he can't see their lips. He mutters something about terrain masking and says, "I can't do it."

The SIGINT guy says, "I've got it, I've got this new joint SIGINT avionics suite. It's the latest digital system for the DoD." He pulls it out, says "I've got the whole spectrum digitized, I can focus in on what they're saying and figure out what they're discussing." He turns it up and at first he gets a conversation over on the other side of the bar, a couple of gentlemen discussing business. He keeps tuning and tuning, he gets a FM radio station, then rock and other stuff. He can't hear what the ladies are saying and he mutters something about co-channel interference and says, "I can't do it."

The MASINT guy says, "I've got it, I've got this great new technique where I use lasers to illuminate the subjects. With this hyperspectral detector I can figure out the acoustic modulation of the salinity content of the sweat on their brow, and by that I can figure out what they're discussing." He tunes it up and gets it all set up and data comes spewing out of the system, tons and tons of data. He doesn't seem to be getting any signatures and he mutters something about aerosol scattering in the cigarette smoke and he says, "I can't do it."

So, they had pretty much given up on figuring out what the young ladies are discussing, when the young ladies come over and they say, "We understand you were trying to figure out what we were discussing." The intel guys look at each other, sorely puzzled, and the ladies say, "What we really ended up discussing was whether or not you guys would ever figure out what we were talking about."

The IMINT guy says, "Well, how did you know that?" and one of the young ladies says, "Well, we tipped the bartender fifty bucks and he told us, that's HUMINT."

[brettw22]

WTF pet.....I feel like i'm supposed to go and get some cockbottle thick glasses with tape in the middle and throw them on...WITH the pocket protector just to be sure............sad..........ha

[Skynut]

Cockbottle?
I've heard of Cokebottle but Cockbottle?

thats funny, I don't care who you are thats funny.

[McLoki]

Great, now I have this mental image of Brett coming at me with his cockbottle glasses on.....

You owe me some therapist money buddy... :D

Michael

[Frank Z]

I see Brett is wearing his Fruedian Slippers again.





:D

[Frank Z]

The Koala and the Little Lizard <>



A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, <><> <><> <>
looks up and says, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says, "Smoking a joint; come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.



The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"







<>So the koala looks down at him and says. .. .





"Dammmnn, dude... how much water did you drink?!"

[michael_w]

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.

[Skynut]

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl? shakes? the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly? ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to? breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.? "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

[Skynut]

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind
of sex happens when you first meet someone and
you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is
when you have been with your partner for a short time
and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere,
even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually
have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is
when you have been with your partner for too long.
When you pass each other in the hallway
you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which
means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon
and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you
cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and
screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called:
Social Security Sex. You get a little each month
but not enough to live on.

[masanz1]

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in
our
driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!" The next
morning,
the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She
brought
it inside, opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral
services
for her husband have been set for Saturday

[audiobliss]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the
sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated
code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says,
"Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands
her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
"I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a
Bud Lite.

Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me
a Fifteen."

"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"

"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."

[audiobliss]

One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door
bell and says, "HI, is there anything I could do for your house or you???"

The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find
all the stuff in the garage."

The girl says, "O.K., How much will you pay me?"
The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"

The blonde quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says,
"50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"

25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?" Surprised the man replies, "O.K. Let me get the money"
He comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, "By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porch!"

[audiobliss]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[neomagus00]

that's like a blond anti-joke :p still funny, tho :D... and your first one is just painful to read...