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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #451

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    Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
    Try to come up with the answer on your own.....
    The answer is at the end for those who are unable to
    think this one through.

    At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old
    men on opposite sides of the world.

    One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers.
    The other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.

    They are both thinking the exact same thing.

    What are they thinking?









    Answer:

    Don't look down..........Don't look down............Don't look down...
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  2. #452

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    Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in
    front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.?

    "You know, Harvey, "she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see
    an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that
    they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped
    balloons,
    and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"

    She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one
    positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."?

    Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft,
    thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

    He never heard the shot
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  3. #453

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    A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
    dining room table:

    "To My Dear Wife,
    You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being
    54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I
    value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope
    that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
    evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
    don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight."

    When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter
    on the dining room table:

    "My Dear Husband,

    I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being
    54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that
    you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
    college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
    at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
    assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is
    18 years old.


    As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math,
    you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
    small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.


    Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow."
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  4. #454

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    Default You don't know Jack Schitt??

    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt . We
    find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
    Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced
    six children: Holy Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins
    Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

    After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later
    married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
    childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

    The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

    Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct
    them.

    ~~~~~~~~

    For those of you who prefer to listen to the above story, just for you :D

    http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm
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  5. #455

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    An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
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  6. #456

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    Default Some friendly warnings...

    Regarding: liquid courage :D

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in bad dancing.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friend over and over again that you love them.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ### kicked.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time- space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

    WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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  7. #457

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    Children's Books that won't Make the Best-Seller List


    You Are Different … and That's Bad

    The Boy Who Died From Eating Vegetables

    Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share

    Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

    The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

    Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

    Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

    The Little Sissy Who Snitched

    Some Pets Can Fly

    That's It! I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

    The Magic World Inside Abandoned Refrigerators

    Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

    The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

    Strangers Have the Best Candy

    Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

    You Were an Accident

    Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

    Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

    Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

    Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

    Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
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  8. #458

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    The New Element

    The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

    The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

    Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

    This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.
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  9. #459

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    A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks
    into Walmart with her two kids.

    The Walmart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

    The ugly woman says "No, the oldest one, he's
    9 and the younger one, she's 7.
    "Why?........ Do you think they really
    look alike?"

    "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe
    you got laid twice"!
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  10. #460

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    A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
    for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone,
    staggering under the weight of a ten-point buck.

    "Where's Henry?"

    "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles
    back up the trail."

    "You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer
    back!?!"

    "A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is
    going to steal Henry."
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  11. #461

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    A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas.
    Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.

    He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"

    "Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner.
    The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; And I won't be bringing it back."

    As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.

    He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could.

    Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.

    The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back !"

    "Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there
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  12. #462

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    A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every
    day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round
    and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that it's a
    woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that she's very
    attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of
    the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues.
    She turns out to be a very talented golfer and she wins their
    little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the
    parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't
    have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.

    On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company
    and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the
    course for a long time. "In fact.", she says. "I'd like you to pull
    over
    so I can show you how much I appreciated everything.". He pulls
    over and she gives him the best kiss he's ever had.

    The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play
    together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved
    that
    she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day,
    enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round
    of golf. Again she beats him on the last hole, again he drives her
    home,
    and again she shows her appreciation.

    This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.
    This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car
    home
    from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a
    fine week that he has a surprise planned. Dinner for two at a fancy
    candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse
    apartment of a posh hotel.

    Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this.
    He can't work out what the fuss is about, but eventually she admits
    the reason.

    "You see," she tearfully sobs. "I'm a transvestite."

    He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a
    screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.

    "I'm sorry." she repeats.

    "You bastard!" he screams, red in the face, "You cheating
    bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!!"
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  13. #463
    Polk Woodpecker
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    That joke is apparently lost on people who don't golf. (myself included)

  14. #464

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    I thought it was freakin' hilarious :D (Red tees start further ahead than the pro tee's or male tees, therefore giving them less distance to drive to the hole :D)

    Keep 'em coming!
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  15. #465
    Polk Woodpecker
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    Okay. I had an idea that's what it meant.

  16. #466

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    Yeah, I thought it was hilarious, too.
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  17. #467

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    Bush Trips While Jogging


    President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
    tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

    Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were
    fishing pulled him out of the water.

    He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid
    says, "I want to go to Disneyland." Bush says, "No problem, I'll take
    you there on Air Force One."

    The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." Bush
    says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

    The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and
    stereo headset!"

    Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like
    you're handicapped."

    The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
    drowning!!!"
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  18. #468

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    A little kid me this one and I don't know why but it tickled the hell out of me...





    What do bears like in their house?




















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  19. #469

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    Quote Originally Posted by wingnut4772
    .....I don't know why..........
    I don't know why it did either.............;)
    .
    comment comment comment comment. bitchy.
    .
    http://img122.imageshack.us/img122/7995/meterdq8.gif

  20. #470

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    Default A quickie for breakfast...

    The President and Vice president are having breakfast in the White House. The
    waitress comes in and takes Cheney's order. "I'll have a western omelet and
    some coffee please". She then turns to president Bush. He looks up at her
    with his infamous 'squirrel caught in the crosshairs' look, winks at her and says;
    "I think I'm gonna try me a quickie this morning!"
    Why, Mr. president you're beginning to act more like Mr. Clinton when he
    was in office. She heads back toward the kitchen when Cheney leans over
    to Bush and says "It's pronounced quiche!"
    :o ;)
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  21. #471

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    Scene: Kitchener's encampment in Egypt.

    An old British Sergeant Major orders a surprise inspection at 4 AM, everybody fall out dressed as you are.

    As he walks down the ranks he comes to one chap with a rather obvious protrusion in his pants. Stunned he orders the men to fall out and return when the man is in a decent state.

    Fifteen minutes pass and once again the men fall out. Once again he comes to the same man only to find the man in the same condition. Again he orders the troops to fall out and return after they have done something to get the man into a presentable condition.

    Three more times the performance is repeated and each time the man is in the same condition. Outraged he turns to a little corporal and screams "What's the meaning of this?"

    The little corporal looks at the man, looks at the Sergeant-Major and sheepishly whispers...Beggin your pardon Sir, but I think 'e's takin a likin to you.
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    While on a road trip somewhere in Wisconsin, Bubba and his wife stopped at a roadside Bistro for lunch. After finishing their meal they left the beer-hall and resumed the trip.

    Unknowingly, Mrs. Bubba had left her glasses on a bar table and didn't miss them until Bubba had been driving twenty minutes. To add to his ggravation, Bubba had to travel another twenty minutes before finding a place to turn
    around to retrieve Bubba May's glasses.

    All the way back Bubba was the classic grouch. He bitched and complained and scolded Mrs. Bubba relentlessly. The more he chided her the more agitated he became….. He just wouldn't let up. Finally, to her great relief, they arrived at the inn.

    As Mrs. Bubba got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, Bubba yelled to her, "While you're in there get my hat and credit card too, will ya."
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  23. #473

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    Default Bear goes into a bar.

    So a bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
    The bartender replies, "sorry we dont serve beer to bears here."

    Angered the bear threatens "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there."

    The bartender says, "Go ahead."

    So the bear eats the lady and then asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we dont give beer to bears on drugs."

    The bear responds "What do you mean? Im not on drugs."

    "Yes, you are, that was the barbituate."
    MrBigBlueLight
    Usually right, but sometimes not entirely factually correct.
    Shifting to Plan B

  24. #474

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    Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
    prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
    attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
    stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
    you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
    disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
    manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
    you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
    amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
    The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
    the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
    She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
    a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem He
    can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
    worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
    different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I knowhim."

    The defense attorney almost died. The judge instructed both counselors to
    approach the bench and, in a very stern voice, said, "If either of you
    idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!"
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  25. #475

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    Have you heard of the new blonde paint. It's not very bright, but it's cheap and spreads easy.:D

  26. #476

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    All-American Quickie

    The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

    As his parents put their plan into operation, the boy began his commentary: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

    A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by."

    A few moments later," Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

    "Matt's riding a new bike....."

    Later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving."

    A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!"

    Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know the Coopers are having sex?"

    "'Cause Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle."
    Skynut
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  27. #477

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    Default

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A

    small

    tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the

    birch, "Is

    that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"



    The birch says he cannot tell.



    Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.



    The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell

    if that

    is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"



    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It

    is

    neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,

    the best

    piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."





    Wipe that smile off your face.
    Skynut
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  28. #478

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    A SMALL WHITE DOT

    A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
    'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.

    When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy
    the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class and with
    a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat
    back down.

    Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
    "It's a period," he replied.

    "I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a
    period?"

    "Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing'
    one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door
    joined the Navy.
    Skynut
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  29. #479

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    A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the
    country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were
    taken.

    The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed
    before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the minister if
    he would like a drink.

    He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than
    let liquor touch these lips."

    The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said,
    "****, me too I didn't know we had a choice."
    Skynut
    SOPAŽ Founder
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    Front L/R RT3000p (Bi-Wired)
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    Center RT2000p's (Bi-Wired) (on each side of the television)
    Sur FX1000
    SVS ultra plus 2

    www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
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  30. #480

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    Default

    Three men, and Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are about to go golfing. Their wives, for the tenth time, ask to be allowed to go along. This time, the husbands decide that for once, they will bring their wives along and let them play. They reach the course and go to the first tee.

    The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear to everyone gathered. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

    Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
    Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
    group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
    -Drew Carey

    There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
    -Unknown

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