THE joke thread

[Skynut]

A Special Birthday This Week !

Can you believe it?

Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week.

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.



They grow up so fast.

[MrNightly]

When Bubba was married 25 years he took a look at Ms Bubba and said, "Bubba Mae, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed with a 10" black and white TV… but I gots' to sleep every night with a hot 25 year-old blonde.

Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed with a plasma TV but I'm sleeping with a 50 year-old woman. You are not holding up your side of things."

Being reasonable Bubba Mae replied, "Tonto… go out and find a hot 25
year-old blonde and I will make sure you will once again be living in a cheap
apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed with a 10" black
and white TV."

[BlueMDPicker]

While I was listening to music today, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids for sustanance.

She got up, turned off the stereo and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

[audiobliss]

ROFLMREO!!!!

That's good.

:D:D

[MrNightly]

Forgiveness

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said:

"I outlived the bitches."

[MrNightly]

What goes:

Vroooom!!!

Rrrrrrch!!!

Vroooom!!!

Rrrrrrch!!!

Vroooom!!!

Rrrrrrch!!!





????????





A blonde at a flashing red light.

[Skynut]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.



A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"



He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."



Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!"



"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.



He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."



He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a ****?"

[read-alot]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "Oh my, that's much too small a dose. That dose won't get you through an experience of sexual intimacy.

The old fellow said, "Oh, that's OK. I'm past eighty years old and I don't think about sexual intimacy much anymore. I take Viagra just cause I want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.

[Skynut]

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking.
He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

"Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."

He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says, "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.

His mother says, "See. Did you learn anything from that?"

The boy replies, " I Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and already I don't like you damn Mexicans

[Skynut]

LATEST POLLING...


43 percent of persons polled in the U.S. said that immigration is a serious problem.


The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés"

[audiobliss]

LATEST POLLING...


43 percent of persons polled in the U.S. said that immigration is a serious problem.


The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés"

ROFL!! Funny! :D

[Skynut]

A blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free"!

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.......

"SH*T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!

[Skynut]

Best Out-of-Office Auto Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $0.09 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system... You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons... When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

[Skynut]

CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.


Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

[Skynut]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 o' clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

[Skynut]

Situational Awareness Scenario



You are driving in a car at a constant speed.



On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.



In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.



Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.



What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?























Answer below












Answer:




Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

[Skynut]

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all
the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget
dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started to examine
him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to
turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "A-ha!"
mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked
the midget to cough again. "A-ha!" said the doctor again and reached for his
surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement
that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around
the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his
testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc!
And I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, " I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

[Skynut]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

[Skynut]

There is a joke about a rich and clever woman who figures out a way to take
her money with her to heaven. Having melted all her wealth into bars of
gold, she somehow smuggles them into the afterlife and shows up at the
pearly gates with a heavy bag. Saint Peter greets this woman and wants to
know what she is carrying.

"Something extremely valuable." says the woman, "And I won't be parted from
it!"

Saint Peter looks into the bag and asks with a puzzled look on his face,
"You brought pavement?"

[MrNightly]

GIRLS NIGHT OUT IN KENTUCKY

Betty Sue and Jaime Lynn were enjoying a girls' night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they sure did love their
Budweiser.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they both needed to pee. So, they decided to go into the nearby cemetery.

Having nothing to wipe with, Betty Sue thought that she would take off her
panties and use them.

Jaimie Lynn, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties, and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave, that had a wreath, with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with the ribbon.

The next day, Betty Sue's husband was concerned that his normally sweet, and innocent wife, was still in bed hung over.

He rang his friend Bubba, Jaime Lynn's husband, and said, “These damned girls' nights out have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties on!”

“That’s nothing!” said Bubba. “Mine came home, with a ribbon stuck to her ass, that said “From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.”

[MrNightly]

Ole' Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars..."she whispers.

Now Ole Bubba he aint' never been with no hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes.

Now Ole Bubbas a-going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . it's the Local Ranger.

"What's going on here people?" asks the Ranger.

"I'm making love to my wife," Bubba answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the Ranger, "I didn't know."

"Well," Bubba says, "neither did I until you shined that there light in Bubba Mae's face"... .. .

[MrNightly]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The
angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to
do it again?"

He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you poop on its head."

[n2pool]

Drunk in the confession booth



A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

[n2pool]

Buckwheat's class



During english class, Buckwbeat's teacher, Miss Crabtree, asked him if he could spell the word "dictate." Buckwheat answered, "yes", and proceeded to do so: "d-i-c-t-a-t-e." Miss Crabtree said, "good, how can you use it in a sentence?" Buckwheat thought for a minute and then blurted out "hey Darla, how my dictate?"

[n2pool]

Postman's last day



It was the postmans last day before retirement. As he made his last delivery to one of the homes on his route a shaply young female appeared.

"It's your last day for delivering mail so why don't you come on in and have a nice lunch?" she inquired.

He tried to decline but she insisted, and to his surprise she had a table spread out with all sorts of foods and drinks. After an hour of eating he gave a slight sigh to which the young female asked, "Why don't you come upstairs for dessert?"

Again the postman tried to resist, and again she insisted, so he went upstairs and had "dessert" for over an hour. Now the postman was really greatful, smiling and wondering why he didn't retire more often. As he put on hls cloths the young woman kissed him on the forhead and tucked a dollar in his shirt. Now he was really surprised and said "I enjoyed the lunch and I reallllyyy enjoyed dessert, but I don't understand the dollar."

"Oh", she replied as she was slipping on her underwear, I told my husband last night that it was the mailman's last day - he said "Screw the mailman and give him a dollar", but the lunch was my idea.

[n2pool]

Pussy tricks



A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females' thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "No ****!! It can whistle too?!"

[Skynut]

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied."Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed
examination. Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Skynut]

Pope in Alaska

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some

sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile when
there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Liberal, wearing sandals, shorts, a Save the Whales" hat, and
a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically,
thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.


As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up.

One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached
up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Liberal from the bear's grasp.
Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of
them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed
the injured Liberal in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you
my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a
bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Liberal Environmental activists

but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that
guy?" "It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all the wisdom but he sure
doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding
up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and snatch another one?²

[Demiurge]

The new guy is a joke unto himself.

[MrNightly]

ten dollars is ten dollars


Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred
would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every
year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and
ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take
you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars.

Fred and Edna agreed, and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists
and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks
over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred,
By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but, ten
dollars is ten dollars."