THE joke thread

[HBombToo]

Good one Bud! ROFLOL

[Skynut]

***IMPORTANT NOTICE***


Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America......

Kentuckians, Tennesseans, North Carolinians, Virginians and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to us as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

Thank you!

Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry...

[candyliquor35m]

A friend of mine who happens to be married told me he's been in the doghouse so long that now when he meets someone, he's not sure whether to shake their hand or sniff their butt.

[Skynut]

An older couple go to the Doctor. He asks the husband if sex is still good, and if he has any questions.

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After having sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly?"

Surprised he can still do it twice, the Doc then sees the wife. After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband has an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December!"

[Skynut]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a
priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of
many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said,
"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[Skynut]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.


On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.


That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.


On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.


That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.


On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.


The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[Polkapops]

A young man enlisted in the same elite skydiving unit as his
father served. Naturally, his father was excited and would
call him constantly to find out when he gets to make his first
jump. The day arrives and the father calls that evening. The
first thing the father asks as the son picks up the phone is 'Did you jump?!'
Well, give me a chance to explain dad. First we went up and flew over
the target area. 'Did you jump?!' No dad, that was the test run. Then
we got in line and I was up first. 'Did you jump?!' No Dad, I kinda got
the willies and asked if I could be moved to the end of the line. Then
everyone else exited the plane and I was the only one left except
for Sgt. Brown, our 250 lb solid as a rock, black jump instructer. 'Did you jump?!'
No, I still had the willies. But then Sgt. Brown says "Boy, if you don't
jump, I'm gonna drop my drawers and you're gonna take what I give you."
'Did you jump?!'
A little bit...........at first :(

[masanz1]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.



The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"



"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."



With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

[Frank Z]

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

You owe me a new keyboard!

[Skynut]

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay.
Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."


Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks.
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your
desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a
drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he
could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that
you'd be happy about it."

[Frank Z]

Paolo Piaia walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of
Bocceli leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.

After 2 months he saves $300 for them. Every Friday night the Italian
community gets together at a dance at the Veneto Club, so Paolo seizes
the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you
wear red panties tonight?" "Yes, Paolo, I do wear red panties tonight,
but how do you know?" Paolo replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300
Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa,
do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Paolo, I do, but
how do you know that?" He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300
Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now, as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Paolo
asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He
says, "Carmella, be steal my heart. Please tell me you wear no panties
tonight, please, please, tell me this be true!"

Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes, Paolo, I wear no panties tonight."

Paolo gasps and says, "Thank God, I thought I had a CRACK in my new $300
Bocceli leather shoes."

[Frank Z]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment and replied, "A martini please!"

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked "Sir, what is your I.Q.?" The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the Theory of Relativity, inter-stellar space travel, and the latest medical breakthroughs.

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tactic. He returned and took a seat.
Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. “A Martini please."

Again, it was superb! The robot again asked, "What is your I.Q., sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100." So, the robot began to discuss NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Royals to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool. Again, a martini and the question, "What is your I.Q.?" This time the man drawled out " Uh ... ‘bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

[brettw22]

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different place: Idaho, Nebraska, Texas, and Mexico.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window. "What the heck are you doing?" demanded the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window. "What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Texas
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Texas opened the car door and pushed
the Mexican out.

[Demiurge]

It was a scientist outside of San Francisco who discovered that baby redthroated seagulls have a chemical in their brains that, when fed to dolphins, reverses their aging process. Laws being what they are, his research was stymied by the fact that redthroated seagulls are on the Endangered Species list, and it was illegal for him to tread in their nesting ground, much less "harvest" the chicks.

That didn't stop our intrepid scientist: he ventured out under cover of darkness to harvest the chicks.

On the way back to lab, he accidentally ran over a lion that was just lying in the middle of the road. It had escaped earlier from the local zoo.

The police arrived shortly after the accident, and he was arrested and charged with a serious offense:

Transporting underaged gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

[shack]

It was a scientist outside of San Francisco who discovered that baby redthroated seagulls have a chemical in their brains that, when fed to dolphins, reverses their aging process. Laws being what they are, his research was stymied by the fact that redthroated seagulls are on the Endangered Species list, and it was illegal for him to tread in their nesting ground, much less "harvest" the chicks.

That didn't stop our intrepid scientist: he ventured out under cover of darkness to harvest the chicks.

On the way back to lab, he accidentally ran over a lion that was just lying in the middle of the road. It had escaped earlier from the local zoo.

The police arrived shortly after the accident, and he was arrested and charged with a serious offense:

Transporting underaged gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

This joke is so bad that you have now been offically BANNED from the joke thread. You are only allowed to post in the tasteful babe thread.

[steveinaz]

A mom is bathing her 3 year old son when he points to his balls and asks..."mommy, are these my brains?" the mom responds.."no honey, not yet."

[Demiurge]

This joke is so bad that you have now been offically BANNED from the joke thread. You are only allowed to post in the tasteful babe thread.

haha, I thought it was so bad it was good. :o :D

[michael_w]

A seal walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have anything but a Canadian Club".



Oh and Demi, it was one of those soo bad it's almost good ones but damn.... that was bad. ;)

[brettw22]

Demi's joke completely compromises any credibility to thought he was faking through in the Office thread.......sorry......but...........it's true. ;)

[Skynut]

FEMALE COMPASSION...

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach
He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever been f****d?"

The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"

She said "You will be when the tide comes in!"

[Skynut]

BUBBA KNOWS ALL

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[steveinaz]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.


"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.


Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.


The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".:D

[MrNightly]

Sensible Observations
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."

--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

--Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."

--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."

--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."

--A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"

--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

--Unknown, presumed deceased

20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."

- W. C. Fields

[bobman1235]

Sensible Observations
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."

--Author Unknown

FYI, That's a "Deep Thought by Jack Handey"

[steveinaz]

Princess

A major airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the gay flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

[zombie boy 2000]

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

[Skynut]

A man and his wife rushed into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, you gotta do something fast. I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting to go play golf. So forget about anesthetic, I don't have time for it. Just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10 AM tee time at the best course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic, just get to work, please!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without anything to kill the pain." The dentist agreed and asked the man, "Okay by me, which tooth is it, sir?"

The man quickly turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth honey, and show him."

[Skynut]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with
his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son
saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because
this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses
on the train because we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son,"We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to
use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers, please
remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue, "For those of you just boarding, remember,
there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,"For those of you who are pissed
off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"

[Early B.]

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.

Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting...
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.

Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

[HBombToo]

Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.

LOL, been there and done that:(