THE joke thread

[Skynut]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and
saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not
contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.


"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take
his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this
is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell
his story. Johnny started his story,

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing
the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in
the Army."

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
before you interrupt.

[Skynut]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[Skynut]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it"
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

[Skynut]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, " God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

[Skynut]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are e mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"


Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Merle commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."
Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

[Skynut]

The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.


Too bad this one is not really funny.

[Skynut]

WHY THE ENGLISH WORE RED COATS!

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During
one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to
their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked,
"Why do you English officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us
to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the officer informed the General that
the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot
the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear
brown pants.

[swerve]

what's a cow's favorite type of movie?


MOOOOOOOVIE

[swerve]

where do you find a dog with no legs?



where you sat him down last!

[first capital]

A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer....


I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the
hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car
hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[Frank Z]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here
will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the
drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy,
it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you
keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to
be a ballerina!"

[Skynut]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation and....what the word team means?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Once again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a "dumb ass" is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach.

"Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

[MrNightly]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I re! ckon I' m 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your
advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene
got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got
pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get
pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

[MrNightly]

It's Tough Being A Man?

Do you know how tough it is being a man...? If you put a woman on a
pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass
and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job
ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If
she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're pervert. If
you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If
you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a
slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not
thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love
her anymore.

If you want it Too often, you're oversexed. if you don't, there must be
someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! ........ THEY WANT TO!! :D :D :D

[MrNightly]

Reverse Life Cycle

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should start out dead, get it out of the way.

You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm.

It's got to be better this way cause this getting old sucks!

[MrNightly]

Happy Birthday!

Dear Diary,

For my sixtieth birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 40 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.

[Mike682]

Someone sent this to me:

THE TOP SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2005

> > >Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

> > >Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

> > >Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of ! his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

> > >Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

> > >#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.................. .....
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam, "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."

[MrNightly]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[MrNightly]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the night praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Disc Jockey]

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Disc Jockey]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing I keep getting
medals for shooting I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Carol

[John K.]

6 year old Billy wakes up one night and hearing noises from his parents' bedroom he walks in. There he sees mommy on top of daddy, straddling him and bouncing up and down. Mommy, embarrassed, throws on her robe and runs after Billy to his bedroom, confident that she knows just how to explain.

Billy asks "Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?" Mommy replies "Billy, daddy's tummy is getting a little too big and I was exercising on it to push it back down."

Billy shakes his head and tells her "Mom, you're just wasting your time." "Why's that?" " 'Cause whenever you go out to shop the lady from next door comes over, gets down on her knees, and blows it right back up again!"

[Skynut]

There was a tradesman, a painter named Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)










"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[Skynut]

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.

Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Joey was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Bruce was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

[MrNightly]

St. Louis Blonde

A young blonde woman in St. Louis was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mississippi River. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young Sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit , and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?"

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Casino Queen, we never leave St. Louis."

[MrNightly]

CAREER CHOICES

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:

a Bible,

a silver dollar, and

a bottle of whisky.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

[Demiurge]

A water truck and a vinegar truck run into each other at an intersection. What did the collision sound like?



"Douche"!

[ND13]

Stop and think about this. It is so true!!!

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT? IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!



While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

Sad but true

[Skynut]

For the past year, Grandpa and Grandma Johnson received a monthly check in the mail for $500.00, so they cashed them.

As it turns out, an insurance company had made a mistake with the address: The checks were intended for another Edwin P. Johnson. Now, Grandpa has received a notice he has to pay back that $6,000.00.

Visibly upset, he complains about it to his grandson, an accountant.

His grandson asks, "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"

Grandpa answers, "I just figured the Democrats were back in power."

[Skynut]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the
holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he
turned to leave, using a cane in a very slow fashion , she approached
him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray
for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up
in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ****in' wall."