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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #661

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    Default

    A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.

    A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

    A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

    Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

    "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
    whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

    The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

    The woman nodded, "Pepper".
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  2. #662

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    Default 'Mole'dy oldie

    A family of moles is awaken by the smell of breakfast. Mama mole sticks
    her head out of their hole and takes a deep breath: "I smell coffee!"
    Soon papa mole is sticking his neck out beside her and he takes a deep
    breath: "I smell bacon!" About this time baby mole is trying to stick his
    head out of the hole but his parents are in the way. Baby mole says
    'All I smell is molasses!' ;) :o
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  3. #663

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    Default

    What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

    Most times you get an onion with verrrry loonnng ears, but once in awhile
    if you're lucky, you'll get a piece of ass that brings tears to the eyes!
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  4. #664
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    LATE ARRIVAL HOME


    An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get
    a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged
    for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had
    failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

    As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
    What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured
    himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub
    pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
    that her husband's client James Wright had been granted his stay of
    execution after all.

    Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to
    give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by
    the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his
    legs and feet.

    "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
    He whirled around and screamed....
    "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!"
    9/11 - WE WILL NEVER FORGET!! (<---<<click)
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  5. #665
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    Talking Abbott & Costello 2006

    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
    Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
    buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: Your computer?
    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?
    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer wit h Windows?
    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
    proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    ABBOTT: I just did.
    COSTELLO: You just did what?

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.
    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: For my office?

    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
    sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    ABBOTT: Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.
    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
    straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can
    track my money with?

    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

    ABBOTT: One copy.
    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
    (A few days later)

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

  6. #666

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    I haven't gone through this thread to check on this one...

    Q: What's the difference between a refrigerator and a woman's ass?

    A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out...

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  7. #667
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    Default Santa's Little Pills

    Santa's Little Pills

    A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all
    she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in
    sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He
    tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's
    working.

    So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's
    Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The
    next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God.
    I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself.
    That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they
    make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled,
    so she dumps all the pills in his food.

    Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa
    decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone.
    Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

    "No, she's...who's this?" the little boy as ks. "I'm a friend of
    your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple
    of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

    "That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's
    dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic
    going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "

  8. #668
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    Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently,in a loud voice, "Admiral , United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

    After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, " Admiral , United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

    After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, " Master Gunnery Sergeant , United States Marines, retired Never married, two sons, both Admirals.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Is your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, Genera l, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

    Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
    "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
    Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
    Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Do you have change for a dollar?"
    Soldier: "No, SIR!"
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
    A: He'll tell you.

    Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
    A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap onto their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    "Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
    "Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
    "You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

    The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

    "Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

    The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
    "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France !"

    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44 I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
    9/11 - WE WILL NEVER FORGET!! (<---<<click)
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  9. #669

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    Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife
    thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip
    club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin‘?"

    His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says
    Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a
    Budweiser.

    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you
    drink Budweiser?"

    "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub
    herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big
    boy?"

    Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

    Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
    beside her.

    Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else,
    but his wife is having none of it.

    She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the
    book.

    The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this
    time."
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  10. #670

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    Default How about some blonde jokes???

    As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

    At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
    Last edited by MrNightly; 12-09-2006 at 07:53 PM.
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  11. #671

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    Default More Blondes...

    Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

    The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

    The second blonde got really angry and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!"
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  12. #672

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    Default And some more...

    Two blonde are walking along the sidewalk and a guy with really bad dandruff passes them. One blonde says to the other, "We ought to give him some Head and Shoulders."

    After 30 seconds or so, the other blonde says, "How do you give shoulders"?
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    Default and....

    The blond calls her boyfriend to come over and help her finish the jigsaw puzzle. She's very upset as she's been working all day and can't figure out how to get the puzzle to look like the Tiger on the box.

    When he gets there, he tells her, "honey as soon as we put the frosted flakes back in the box, I'm taking you to dinner. You've had a really rough day".


    -------------------------------------

    A blonde calls the fire department and says, "The house accross the street is in fire. Please come. Hurry"!

    The dispatcher says, "How do we get there"?

    The blonde says, "DUH! Big red truck"!!
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  14. #674

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    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to
    process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
    actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.


    The letter read:


    "Dear God,


    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
    someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I
    had until my next pension check.
    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for
    dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
    family to turn to, and you are my only hope.


    Can you please help me?


    Sincerely,
    Edna"


    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
    workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
    dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
    they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna
    and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.


    Christmas came and went.


    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
    All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


    It read,


    "Dear God,


    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of
    your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
    We had a very nice day and I told my Friends of your wonderful gift.


    By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those
    bastards at the Post Office."


    Very truly yours,


    Edna
    Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.

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    Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

    The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

    Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

    The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

    She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

    "My," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

    She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

    The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says:

    "Liver alone. Cheese mine."
    "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." Bob Seger

  16. #676

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    a christmas joke


    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Pater at the pearly gates. " In honour of this season" Saint Peter said "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

    The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
    "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

    The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
    Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

    The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
    The man replied, "These are Carols."
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  17. #677

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    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.


    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.


    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.


    Life is sexually transmitted.


    Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see 'em tumble down the stairs.


    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"


    Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."


    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


    Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it , but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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  18. #678

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    EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

    1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
    the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
    dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
    were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

    Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

    2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
    slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
    instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

    Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

    3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
    husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
    minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
    died of a "massive internal fart."

    Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

    4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
    cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
    one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told
    me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places
    to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
    wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the
    instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

    Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

    5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
    long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
    answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

    Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

    6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
    morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to
    get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly
    and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

    Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

    7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
    purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
    tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
    that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
    immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
    table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
    above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the
    surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
    dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

    Submitted by RN no name

    AND FINALLY!!!................

    8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed
    when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
    unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady
    upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
    further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said,
    "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you
    were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

    Dr. Wouldn't submit his name
    HT/2-channel Rig: Sony 50” LCD TV; Toshiba HD-A2 DVD player; Emotiva LMC-1 pre/pro; Rogue Audio M-120 monoblocks (modded); Placette RVC; Emotiva LPA-1 amp; Bada HD-22 tube CDP (modded); VMPS Tower II SE (fronts); DIY Clearwave Dynamic 4CC (center); Wharfedale Opus Tri-Surrounds (rear); and VMPS 215 sub

    "God grooves with tubes."

  19. #679

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    Default

    Apple Computer-Announcement Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2006 21:18:04


    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
    can store and play music in women's breast implants.

    This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
    complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
    HT/2-channel Rig: Sony 50” LCD TV; Toshiba HD-A2 DVD player; Emotiva LMC-1 pre/pro; Rogue Audio M-120 monoblocks (modded); Placette RVC; Emotiva LPA-1 amp; Bada HD-22 tube CDP (modded); VMPS Tower II SE (fronts); DIY Clearwave Dynamic 4CC (center); Wharfedale Opus Tri-Surrounds (rear); and VMPS 215 sub

    "God grooves with tubes."

  20. #680

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    A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

    I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
    She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
    If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
    "We use it for sex," she said.

    The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

    The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.

    My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
    Stuff...

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    Life is Good!

  21. #681

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    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
    Stuff...

    RTi12's - front
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    RTi4's - surrounds
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    Life is Good!

  22. #682

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    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
    Stuff...

    RTi12's - front
    CSi5 - center
    FXi3's - surrounds
    RTi4's - surrounds
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    Denon 3805
    Rotel RB-985 5-Channel Amplifier
    Samsung 3600 BluRay Player


    Life is Good!

  23. #683

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    Why I fired my secretary

    Last week was my birthday
    and I didn't feel very well
    waking up on that morning.

    I went downstairs for breakfast
    hoping my wife would be pleasant
    and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
    possibly have a small present for me.

    As it turned out,
    she barely said good morning,
    let alone "Happy Birthday."

    I thought...
    Well, that's marriage for you,
    but the kids....
    They will remember.

    My kids came bounding down stairs to
    breakfast and didn't say a word.
    So when I left for the office,
    I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

    As I walked into my office,
    my secretary Jane said,
    "Good Morning Boss,
    and by the way Happy Birthday! "
    It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

    I worked until one o'clock,
    when Jane knocked on my door
    and said, "You know,
    It's such a beautiful day outside,
    and it is your Birthday,
    what do you say we go out to lunch,
    just you and me."
    I said, "Thanks, Jane,
    that's the greatest thing
    I've heard all day.
    Let's go!"

    We went to lunch.
    But we didn't go
    where we normally would go.
    She chose instead a quiet bistro
    with a private table.
    We had two martinis each
    and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
    On the way back to the office,
    Jane said, "You know,
    It's such a beautiful day...
    We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

    I responded,
    "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
    She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
    it's just around the corner."

    After arriving at her apartment,
    Jane turned to me and said,
    " Boss, if you don't mind,
    I'm going to step into the bedroom
    for just a moment.
    I'll be right back."
    "Ok," I nervously replied.

    She went into the bedroom and,
    after a couple of minutes,
    she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..
    Followed by my wife, my kids,
    and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
    all singing "Happy Birthday.

    And I just sat there...

    On the couch...

    Naked.
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
    Stuff...

    RTi12's - front
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    Life is Good!

  24. #684

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    Edited to actually have pics.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version

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    Last edited by bobman1235; 12-15-2006 at 10:16 PM.
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  25. #685

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    Quote Originally Posted by bobman1235





    All I see are Red X's!?!?
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  26. #686

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    Bah, sorry, guess the site I linked the images from didn't like me doing so :(

    I'll fix it later.
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  27. #687

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    Quote Originally Posted by bobman1235
    Bah, sorry, guess the site I linked the images from didn't like me doing so :(

    I'll fix it later.
    Ha. It was funny.









    No really... it was.









    Ok.. sorta funny.








    Ok you suck and have completely ruined the joke thread. Time to start a new one!!! Off with your head!!! :D :D :D
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  28. #688

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrNightly
    All I see are Red X's!?!?
    Yeah but...they are real funny red Xs.
    "Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right." - Ricky Gervais

    "For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible." - Stuart Chase

    "Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." - Bernard Berenson

  29. #689

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    Fixed... sorry bout that.... you'd think I was some kinda NEWBIE around here or somethin'... :D
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  30. #690
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    Default The Philly Cops and the New Yorkers

    Two men were driving through Philadelphia when they got pulled over by a
    Philly Cop. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his
    nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked
    him in the head with his nightstick.

    What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

    You're in Philadelphia, son," the cop answered. "When we pull you over in
    Philadelphia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your
    car."

    "I'm sorry, officer, "the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know
    your laws here."

    The cop runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his
    license back.

    The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
    The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacks him on the
    head with the nightstick.

    "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.


    "Just making your wish come true," replied the cop.

    "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

    "Because I know you New Yorkers," the cop says, "two miles down the road
    you're gonna turn to your buddy and say.....'I wish that ******* would've
    tried that **** with me!!!!

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