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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #691

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    A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class
    gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
    The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
    She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and
    that she will have to go and sit in the back
    The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
    Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

    The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
    co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs
    in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

    The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that
    becaue she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

    The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
    and I'm staying right here!'

    Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use.
    And that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
    arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

    The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm
    married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

    He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh
    I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the
    economy section.

    The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he
    said to make her move without any fuss.

    The pilot replied,
    "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

  2. #692

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    Bumper Stickers:

    Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

    Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

    If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

    America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

    They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

    Jail to the Chief

    We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

    We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

    Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

    At Least Nixon Resigned

    Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing their idiot.
    HT/2-channel Rig: Sony 50” LCD TV; Toshiba HD-A2 DVD player; Emotiva LMC-1 pre/pro; Rogue Audio M-120 monoblocks (modded); Placette RVC; Emotiva LPA-1 amp; Bada HD-22 tube CDP (modded); VMPS Tower II SE (fronts); DIY Clearwave Dynamic 4CC (center); Wharfedale Opus Tri-Surrounds (rear); and VMPS 215 sub

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  3. #693

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    Early:

    Saw this one yesterday for your list....

    Shhh, the president's listening, use big words...
    There is no genuine justice in any scheme of feeding and coddling the loafer whose only ponderable energies are devoted wholly to reproduction. Nine-tenths of the rights he bellows for are really privileges and he does nothing to deserve them. We not only acquired a vast population of morons, we have inculcated all morons, old or young, with the doctrine that the decent and industrious people of the country are bound to support them for all time.-Menkin

  4. #694

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    Johnny wanted to enjoy a girl in his office, but she had a
    boyfriend...
    One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,
    "I'll give you $1000 dollars if you let me enjoy you"
    But the girl said "NO WAY!"

    Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
    down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up!" She thought for a
    moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.
    So, she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

    Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very
    fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down!"So she agrees and
    accepts
    the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his
    girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks

    "What happened?"

    She said "The bastard used coins!!

    "Management lesson:Always consider a business proposal in it's

    entirety before agreeing to it, and getting SCREWED!
    Skynut
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    Thanks for looking

  5. #695

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    A blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
    Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
    "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
    "But, I always buy it here," says the blond.
    "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
    "Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it."
    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
    Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .......
    "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.
    Speakers:
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    Polk RT800i's rears
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    Adcom GFA 7500
    OPPO BDP-103 CD, SACD, DVD-A
    Video:
    Mitsubishi WD65837 DLP
    OPPO BDP-103 Bluray
    Directv x's 2

  6. #696

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    A guy gets an appointment with his family doctor.. Goes in to see the Doc, and tells the Doc he isnt sure what is wrong with him, but he definately knows something is up.. So, the Doc runs some tests on him, and after a few long and painful hours the Doc comes back.. The Doc says he has a treatment that can cure him, but it was a little off the wall and not your typical run of the mill treatments.. The guy agrees to the treatment, stating "I just want to get better." Well, the Doc tells him to pull down his pants and bend over! The guy looks at him funny, but does as the Doc asks. The Doc leaves the room, and about 5 mins later he walks through the door with a hard-boiled egg and a sugar cookie.. The Doctor shoves the hard-boiled egg up the guy's ass, shortly followed by the sugar cookie.. The Doc politely tells the man to come back in two weeks, and report back with how he is feeling.. Two weeks go bye, and the man returns to the Doc.. The Doc asks him how he is feeling.. The man says, "I dont think this is working; I feel much worse than I did two weeks ago!" The Doc explains to him once again this was a treatable thing and that he would just have to trust him.. The man concedes to the Doc believing that the his lifetime family Doc wouldn't steer him wrong.. Well, once again, the Doc tells the man to pull down his pants and bend over.. The man relunctantly does as the Doc asks.. The Doc leaves the room, and about 10-15 mins later comes back in the room. Sure enough with a hard-boiled egg and a sugar cookie.. The Doc shoves the hard-boiled egg up the man's ass shortly followed by the sugar cookie.. The Doc tells him to check back in another two weeks and let him know how he is doing.. Well, two weeks painstakingly pass by and the man returns to the Doc.. The man, looks as if he is on his death bed, tells the Doc,"Something is bad wrong! I feel like I am gonna die!" The Doc calmy tells the man to pull down his pants and bend over... The man cant believe this and argues with the Doc.. The Doc reaasures him that everything will be ok.. So, the man once again relunctantly follows the Doc's orders.. The Doc leaves the room, and about 25-30 mins later he returns to the room.. This time he has a hard-boiled egg and a HAMMER!! The man totally freaks out, but the Doc reassures him that he knows what he is doing.. So, the Doc shoves the hard-boiled egg up the mans ass, and about 5 mins later... The Tapeworm pops out the man's ass and says,"Where in the HELL is my SUGAR COOKIE!" The Doc clubs the Tapeworm to death with the hammer!!

    This is a much better joke when not written but told.. I hope you could still kinda enjoy it..

  7. #697
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    A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the
    Word "fascinate" in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
    Farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
    The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
    Fascinate, not fascinating".

    Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City
    And I was fascinated."
    The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to
    Use the word "fascinate."

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little
    Johnny Had burned her before.
    She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
    "fascinate", so she called on him.

    Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
    Tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

    The teacher sat down and cried.

  8. #698

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    A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
    likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
    see what they do with the money.

    The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets
    her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up
    very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
    attractive for him because she loves him so much.

    The man was impressed.

    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
    golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
    As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the
    money on him because she loves him so much

    Again, the man is impressed.

    The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
    the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
    joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
    because she loves him so much.

    Obviously, the man was impressed.


    The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
    money he'd given her.








    Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.



    Men are like that, you know.




    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
    on Alzheimer' 'S research. This means that by 2040, there should be a
    large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
    absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  9. #699

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    Darwin awards



    Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

    Here is the glorious Winner:

    1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during holdup in Long b e a c h, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

    And now, the Honorable Mentions:

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
    machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harareto Bulawayohad escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
    counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15.
    (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
    Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

    ******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

    In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family. unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  10. #700

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    Sex Quotations

    "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
    arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
    500SL."
    Lynn Lavner

    "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
    Camille Paglia

    "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
    relationship."
    Sharon Stone

    "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
    men.
    Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
    Tiger Woods

    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
    Jack Nicholson

    "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
    but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
    Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had
    a sense of humor)

    "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
    genitals through his wallet."
    Robin Williams

    "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
    Billy Crystal

    "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
    undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
    women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
    are just grateful."
    Robert De Niro

    "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
    are
    having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
    severe
    swelling. So what's the problem?"
    Dustin Hoffman

    "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
    'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
    Jerry Seinfeld


    "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
    only
    enough blood to run one at a time."
    Robin Williams

    "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
    whom."
    Joan Rivers

    "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
    money can buy."
    Steve Martin

    " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school
    until you get older. Little things like being
    spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money
    for in later life."
    Elmo Phillips

    " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
    Oscar Wilde

    and finally....

    " It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting
    married.."
    George Burns
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  11. #701

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    A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

    "What's up?" she asks.
    "I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

    The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Rita is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

    The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

    "You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids."
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  12. #702

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    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa
    found a bottle of Viagra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked about
    using one of the pills.
    The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very
    strong and very expensive".
    "How much?" asked Grandpa.
    "$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
    "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we
    leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
    Later the next morning, the son found $110..00 under the pillow. He
    called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
    "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

  13. #703

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    Default Beer

    Fresh from the inbox.
    Attached Images  
    Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.

  14. #704

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    Quote Originally Posted by phoneisbusy
    Fresh from the inbox.
    Nice 666 post. You da man ;)
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  15. #705
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    Quote Originally Posted by phoneisbusy
    Fresh from the inbox.

    Great one!!!:D

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    A Wealthy Hospital Benefactor Was Visiting The Hospital When, During Her Tour, She Passed A Room Where A Male Patient Was Masturbating.

    "oh My God!" Screamed The Woman. "that's Disgraceful! Why Is He Doing That?"

    The Doctor That Was Leading The Tour Explained, "i Am Very Sorry But This Man Has A Serious Condition Where The Testicles Rapidly Fill With Semen. If He Doesn't Do That Three Times A Day,
    They'll Explode And He'll Lose His Testicles."

    "oh, Well In That Case, I Guess It's Ok," Commented The Woman.

    In The Very Next Room They Could See That A Female Nurse Was Performing Oral Sex On A Different Male Patient.

    Again The Woman Screamed, "oh My God! How Can That Be Justified?"

    The Doctor Replied..."same Illness, Better Health Plan ."
    HT/2-channel Rig: Sony 50” LCD TV; Toshiba HD-A2 DVD player; Emotiva LMC-1 pre/pro; Rogue Audio M-120 monoblocks (modded); Placette RVC; Emotiva LPA-1 amp; Bada HD-22 tube CDP (modded); VMPS Tower II SE (fronts); DIY Clearwave Dynamic 4CC (center); Wharfedale Opus Tri-Surrounds (rear); and VMPS 215 sub

    "God grooves with tubes."

  17. #707

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    It's amazing how hard it is to read text that Has The First Letter Of Every Word Capitalized.
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  18. #708
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    What's the first thing a sorority sister does in the morning?

    Well, duh, she gets out of bed and walks back to her sorority house ;)

  19. #709

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    If A Joke Is Cut/pasted And It Is In All Caps As Is What I'm Typing Now, The Forum Software Will Lowercase Everything After The First Letter Of Each Word.

    Quote Originally Posted by bobman1235
    It's amazing how hard it is to read text that Has The First Letter Of Every Word Capitalized.
    BUT IF I WAS TO QUOTE YOU, THEN EVERYTHING ON THIS LINE IS LEFT AS IS BECAUSE IT'S GOING OFF YOUR QUOTE AS THE INITIAL TEXT INSTEAD OF MY OTHERWISE 'YELLING' TEXT.

    The hard to read part is just cuz you're getting old.........no worries..... ;)
    Last edited by brettw22; 01-29-2007 at 06:25 PM.
    .
    comment comment comment comment. bitchy.
    .
    http://img122.imageshack.us/img122/7995/meterdq8.gif

  20. #710
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    Default New Rules for 2007

    1 · Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . . mowing my lawn.
    2 · Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
    3 · Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: Lucky bastards!
    4 · If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
    5 · Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
    6 · There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
    7 · Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
    8 · The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet, "ooh, you're a huge *******.
    9 · I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
    10 · Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
    11 · Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."< /I>
    12 · I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
    13 · If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place was that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
    14 · No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving - - -deleted due to poor taste.
    15 · This one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
    16 · When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
    17 · Finally, if you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

  21. #711
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    Quote Originally Posted by hearingimpared
    17 · Finally, if you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
    Thank You!!
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  22. #712

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    I dont know if everyone's heard this one yet, but...

    Did you here that they found Elen Degeneres MURDERED????

    YA!!!

    NO SH*T!!!

    She was found "FACE DOWN"


    in RICKI LAKE!!

  23. #713
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    What does a redneck call his packing peanuts?

    "Bubba Wrap"

  24. #714

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    How do you know when it is time to go to bed at Michael Jackson's house?

    When the big hand touches the little hand..

  25. #715

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    What does Michael Jackson and Target have in common?

    Both have little boys pants 1/2 off!!

  26. #716

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    GOOD
    In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a
    perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any Then he
    discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road
    with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
    The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
    reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell
    lemonade!)



    BETTER
    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
    automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was
    included. Being cute, the man sent the police department a picture
    of $40. The police responded and mailed a photo of handcuffs.




    BEST
    A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the
    TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
    book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have
    balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he
    realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in
    his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
    Bedroom Stuff 5.1
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  27. #717

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    BETTER
    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
    automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was
    included. Being cute, the man sent the police department a picture
    of $40. The police responded and mailed a photo of handcuffs.




    Funny.

  28. #718

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    Now this is funny,

    Chili Cook Off




    If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope

    for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this

    slowly.






    (I've read this probably 5 times and it never fails to reduce me to tears

    of laughter). Hope it does the same for you!!!






    If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third

    judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know

    how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time

    Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at

    the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster

    named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.






    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions

    to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the

    other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that

    spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

    tasting, so I accepted."




    Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...



    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could

    remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

    flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



    ************************************************** ***






    CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...




    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

    seriously.

    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

    I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

    wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer

    when they saw the look on my face.



    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...




    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

    Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

    me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

    backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from

    all of the beer.



    ************************************************** ***




    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...






    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

    other mild foods not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

    to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,

    was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting

    to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

    aphrodisiac?



    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...


    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

    considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

    can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

    had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

    beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips

    off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop

    screaming. Screw those rednecks.



    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...


    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

    spices a nd peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

    Superb.

    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

    sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will

    eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

    that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow

    cone.



    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...


    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

    chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

    about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

    uncontrollably.

    Jud ge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

    slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

    shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

    decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any

    oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

    hole in my stomach.




    ************************************************** ***



    CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...


    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold

    but spicy enough to declare it s existence.

    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed

    out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure

    if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to

    really hot chili?

    Judge # 3 - No Report
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  29. #719

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    My wife told me that I have to give up drinking beer to save money.

    Then I caught her buying $65 worth of make-up.

    I said "How come I have to give up stuff and you don't?"

    She said the make-up is to make her look good for me.

    I said "what do you think the beer is for?"

    Don't know when I'll see her again...
    "Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." Bob Seger

  30. #720

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    A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

    A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

    The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

    Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

    Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!

    He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

    The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

    Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

    "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

    "Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be"
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