THE joke thread

[audiobliss]

Now this is funny,

Chili Cook Off




If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope

for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this

slowly.

Holy cow!!! You're right! That is absolutely the most hilarious thing I have ever read!!! When I was reading the part saying that I wouldn't be able to control my laughter I thought, "Yeah, right. I think a lot of these are funny, but I usually don't even crack a smile."

Man, I'm sitting here in the computer lab at school reading this joke, and before I'm even half way through it my sides are hurting from trying to stifle my laughter. By the time I got through it...felt like I had done 100 crunches!!!

[jdhdiggs]

Did you have to quote the whole thing? Geez! ;)

Actually, that joke is a lot funnier after moving from TX to PA and attending a Chile cookoff here. The "hottest" one here would barely make the mild catagory in TX.

[audiobliss]

Did you have to quote the whole thing? Geez! ;)

Actually, that joke is a lot funnier after moving from TX to PA and attending a Chile cookoff here. The "hottest" one here would barely make the mild catagory in TX.

Actually, yes. I knew as soon as I saw someone had responded they'd be ragging me for quoting the whole thing. My reasoning was, the joke was on the previous page and it was so good (or at least, I liked it so much) that it deserved to be on this page, too!

So there! *sticks out tongue*

:D

[hearingimpared]

This is a joke that contains some stuff to laugh at ourselves about, if you have thin skin please move on!

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
(My sentiments exactly)

3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian
faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the
liquor store or at Hooters.

5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?



7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?



8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?



12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?



13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned> on me... they're cramming for their final exam.

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.



20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

23. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

[Skynut]

Senator Hillary Clinton recently went to a primary school in Ithaca, New York, to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, & the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."


"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:


1 ... Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2 ... Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3 ... Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.


When they resume Hillary says "OK! , where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out & asks him what his name is.


"Larry."


"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have 5 questions:

1 ... Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2 ... Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3 ... Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
4 ... Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5 ... What happened to Kenneth?"

[jdhdiggs]

"I'm going to take those profits...."

[candyliquor35m]

A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,

"Wow, this seems much worse than usual. He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up ?"

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her."

The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

[hearingimpared]

"I'm going to take those profits...."

How about the arrogance and entitlement of just those six words?

[MrNightly]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN:
40-ish....................................49.
Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic.................................No breasts.
Average looking.....................Moooo.
Beautiful...............................Pathologic al liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Dyke.
Free Spirit.............................Junkie.
Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
New-Age...............................Body hair in the wrong laces.
Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Outgoing...............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional............................Bitch.
Voluptuous............................Chubby.
Large frame...........................Big & fat.
Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes.....................................No
No......................................Yes
Maybe.................................No
We need...............................I want
I am sorry............................You'll be sorry
We need to talk....................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead.....................You better not
Do what you want................You will pay for this later
I am not upset.....................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight.........Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry...............................I am hungry
I am sleepy................................I am sleepy
I am tired..................................I am tired
Nice dress.................................Nice cleavage!
I love you..................................Let's have sex now
I am bored.................................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?...............I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?...............I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?.........I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

[hearingimpared]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN:
40-ish....................................49.
Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic.................................No breasts.
Average looking.....................Moooo.
Beautiful...............................Pathologic al liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Dyke.
Free Spirit.............................Junkie.
Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
New-Age...............................Body hair in the wrong laces.
Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Outgoing...............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional............................Bitch.
Voluptuous............................Chubby.
Large frame...........................Big & fat.
Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes.....................................No
No......................................Yes
Maybe.................................No
We need...............................I want
I am sorry............................You'll be sorry
We need to talk....................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead.....................You better not
Do what you want................You will pay for this later
I am not upset.....................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight.........Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry...............................I am hungry
I am sleepy................................I am sleepy
I am tired..................................I am tired
Nice dress.................................Nice cleavage!
I love you..................................Let's have sex now
I am bored.................................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?...............I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?...............I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?.........I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

You forgot a couple.


I find your conversation facinating. . . . . . . . . I'm horny

Your mother is a real sweetheart . . . . . . . . . .I'm extremely horny

No I don't want to go to bed with you on the first date. . .

[bobman1235]

No I don't want to go to bed with you on the first date. . .

This could mean :
- I forgot my Viagra
- My Valtrex prescription needs refilling
- I'm gay
- I think you might be a man

[Skynut]

Subject: A Golf Story
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer
got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"


"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want

anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.



"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do

something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... A

grea t golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."



A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer

is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods

and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.



"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just

want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"



"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally

famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."



"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did tha t fer yer golf game, you know.

And tell me, how's yer money situation?"



"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash,
I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even
know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know
if I did a good job. How many times a week?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks aro und then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

[hearingimpared]

Click thumbnails, you'll have to click on the bitmaps, for some reason they won't go to thumbnails.

[Refefer]

Bushcronium.

Mark it on your Periodic Table...........

The densest element yet known to science has been discovered. The new
element has been named "Bushcronium".

Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons,
and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 911.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
The symbol for Bushcronium is "W".

Bushcronium' s mass actually increases over time, as these morons
randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become
assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming a large
cluster of idiotopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a critical mass also
known as "Critical Morass".

When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element
radiating several orders of magnitude more energy, mostly as
incoherentnoise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many
morons.

[Skynut]

A Modern Parable







A Modern Parable - Humorous but Right On



A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe

race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to

reach their peak performance before the race.



On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.



The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate

the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of

senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate

action.



Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person

steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person

rowing.



Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a

consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second

opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering

the boat, while not enough people were rowing.



Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent

another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure

was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering

superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.



They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1

person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called

the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and

free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles,

canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and

bonuses.


The next year the Japanese won by two miles.


Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor

performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and

canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved

was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next

year's racing team was out-sourced to India.



The End.

[MrNightly]

Unfortunately, how true... :( That's not a joke buddy. ;) It shouldn't be here.

[Skynut]

more like a wake-up call.

[PhantomOG]

Yesterday, one of my company's sites was having network issues. As usual, an "IT Professional" sends out a general email company wide (multiple sites, thousands of employees) explaining the situation and how they are working on it. He signs off by saying:

We are sorry for the incontinence caused.

:D

A short while later another email is sent with an apology, explaining it was an erroneous autocorrection (inconvenience).

[petrym]

Now that's a good joke!

[harold280z]

This is funny!


Busted
Date:



A man came home from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch

her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted; "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money."

"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you."

"He paid for our new cabin cruiser."

"He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers Tickets."

"He paid for our house at the lake."

"He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly
dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said; "What would you do?"

The cabby said; "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."

[bikezappa]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.


In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"



"Wait a moment," Socrates replied."Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test.It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"



"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."



"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, to the contrary..."



"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"


"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"



The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[harold280z]

This was funny!


A boy's first time.


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head.

A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

Ten minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
Religious."

The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[Skynut]

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted
and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering
her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got
even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the
husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little
more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This
drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung
her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

[Skynut]

Three older ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on
a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached
from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and
opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

Tilly, being the oldest, arthritic and more feeble, just couldn't reach that far.

[MrNightly]

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

When Bubba reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit!!! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats"!!

[okiepolkie]

Good for a few laughs

http://homeland.gov.safenow.org/

[MrNightly]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever. "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

[Skynut]

Genie and the Taliban

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

George W. Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet hig h, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water."

[Josh]

GW isn't that friggin' smart.

[bobman1235]

GW isn't that friggin' smart.

It's a joke, don't turn this into the Grammy's thread.