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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #871
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skynut View Post
    At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience
    for
    some quiet.

    Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

    Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....

    "I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a
    child in
    Africa dies."

    A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then stop
    clapping, ya
    fooking *******!"

    You Gotta Love the Irish!

    WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! That's something you would hear from a South Philadelphian too!.

  2. #872

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    That one was great!!!
    Lots of Carver stuff and a pair of LSi9's

  3. #873

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    You may have read some of these before... (excuse the caps; it's a cut & paste job):


    2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR...
    3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
    4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
    5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
    6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
    7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
    8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
    9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
    10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
    11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
    12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
    13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
    14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
    15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
    16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
    17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
    18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
    19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
    20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
    21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
    22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
    23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
    24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
    25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
    26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWI MM ER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
    27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
    28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
    29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE "S" IN IT?
    30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
    31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
    32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
    33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
    34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
    Last edited by Early B.; 08-03-2007 at 04:52 PM.
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  4. #874
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    male: "yes or no, do you know the difference between food and sex?"

    female: "no"

    male: "wanna have lunch tomorrow?"

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    Old man figures his wife is going deaf so he calls the doctor for
    advice on how to help her.The doc suggests an easy test at home,stand
    40 ft away and in a normal voice ask her a question if no response
    move closer and closer until she can hear.If there is a problem you
    can explain to her what you did and get her in for testing.


    That night he is in the living room and she is in the kitchen
    preparing dinner so he decides the distance to test is about right.


    40 ft
    Honey whats for dinner?
    no response


    30ft
    Honey whats for dinner?
    no response


    20ft
    Honey whats for dinner?
    no response


    10ft
    Honey whats for dinner?
    no response


    5ft
    Honey whats for dinner?


    she replies


    For the 5TH time EARL it's CHICKEN!
    Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.

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    one day a penguin was driving his car through the desert. after several hours, his car began to smoke and ran roughly. at the next exit, the penguin pulled over and stopped at a service station. he dropped off his car to have it checked out and in the hot heat of the sun, decided to walk to a nearby market. the penguin decided to get some icecream to help cool off after being in the hot sun. after a short time the penguin decided to walk back and see if their were any results on his car. on his way back the hot sun had melted his icecream and became a little messy, and as he approached the mechanic the man told him "it looks as though you have blown a seal".......
    Wris****ch--->Crisco

  7. #877

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    .... and the penguin said "Nope, ti's just ice cream."

    Way to not finish the joke :)
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  8. #878

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    Old one, huh?:D

    I wasn't sure if that crossed the line or not, so I figured I'd leave it to the imagination.
    Wris****ch--->Crisco

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    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

    "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please."

    "Speaking."

    "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

    When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
    biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now
    uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either
    bad or terrible."

    "What do you mean?", Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
    other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

    That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"

    "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

    "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
    in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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    A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered." But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love Dress? But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    "My husband loves me to wear this dress, " she explained.
    "When he sees it, he instantly becomes romantic. The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked."This is my love dress, " she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing, " he said. "What's for dinner? "
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    A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
    She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
    The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

    The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

    "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

    On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

    The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

    The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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  12. #882

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    An "inexperienced" guy is checking out the condom display in his local pharmacy. He sees 6 packs, 8 packs and a 12 pack. Not wanting to make a rookie mistake he asks for help at the counter. The pharmacist says the 6 pack is for the guy who gets some every day except Sunday, while the 8 pack is for the guy who gets some every day and twice on Sunday.

    Customer asks what the 12 pack is for then. Pharmacist replies for the married guy. January, February...
    Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.

  13. #883
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    "Take It Easy"

    Well, I'm running down the road
    tryin' to loosen my load
    I've got seven women on
    my mind,
    Four that wanna own me,
    Two that wanna stone me,
    One says she's a friend of mine
    Take It easy, take it easy
    Don't let the sound of your own wheels
    drive you crazy
    Lighten up while you still can
    don't even try to understand
    Just find a place to make your stand
    and take it easy
    Well, I'm a standing on a corner
    in Winslow, Arizona
    and such a fine sight to see
    It's Lisa Nowak, my Lord, in a flatbed
    Ford slowin' down to take a look at me
    Come on, baby, don't say maybe
    I gotta know if your sweet love is
    gonna save me
    We may lose and we may win though
    we will never be here again
    so open up, I'm climbin' in,
    so take it easy
    Well I'm running down the road trying to loosen
    my load, got a world of trouble on my mind
    lookin' for a lover who won't blow my
    cover, she's so hard to find
    Take it easy, take it easy
    don't let the sound of your own
    wheels make you crazy
    come on baby, don't say maybe
    I gotta know if your sweet love is
    gonna save me, oh oh oh
    Oh we got it easy
    We oughta take it easy
    Last edited by candyliquor35m; 08-17-2007 at 12:55 PM.

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    New Technology Announcement:
    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. Ahem.

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    Student: Do turkeys lay eggs?

    Teacher: Yes

    Student: Then why don't we eat them?

    Teacher: The turkey or the egg?

    Student: I thought we covered this already with the chicken

  16. #886

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    Default Real Men of Genius

    For college football fans here’s a good crack at us Alabama folks that a co-worker (rub it in your face Auburn fan) sent me.

    --------------------------------

    Bud Light salutes Crimson Tide! (haha)

    Announcer: Today we salute you, Mr. Delusional, Irrational Alabama Fan.
    Backup singer: Mr. Delusional, Irrational Alabama Faaaaaan!

    Announcer: Season after season, year after year, you try to justify your absurdly high pre-season ranking.
    Backup singer: Why aren't we number one?

    Announcer: You scramble to make futile attempts at damage control when the Tide loses to a grossly inferior opponent.
    Backup singer: Neeeeeed to hire Nick Sabannnnn!

    Announcer: Inevitably, you'll bring up the past, and boast of championships won 20 years before you were born.
    Backup singer: Those were the daaaaaays!

    Announcer: You will point out that you have more bowl wins than any other program, as though that is relevant to the current season.
    Backup singer: Been playing since the 1880ssssss!

    Announcer: Go on, ignore that home loss to your arch rival in the regular season finale for the 5th consecutive time in a row, and continue to believe that you'll defeat your bowl opponent with striking ease.
    Backup singer: We'll still whoop that ass and win by thirteeeeeeey!

    Announcer: So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Emperor of Excuses, and take comfort knowing that when you don't finish in the top 25, you'll be back to number three when the pre-season polls come out next year.
    Backup singer: Mr. Delusional, Irrational Alabama Fannnnnnn!

    Anheiser-Busch, St Louis, Missouri

  17. #887

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    ok i haven't read the whole thing so this might have been posted all ready but,

    there was one guy that was catching fish and nobody els could so the game warden wanted to see how he was doing it. so they went out fishing. the warden had his fishing pole and minnows and worms but all the man had was a wood box. when they were out on the lake the man opened up his box and pulled out a stick of dynamite, light it and threw it into the water. then netted up all the fish and pulled them into his boat. the warden started telling him how many different ways this was illegal, the man the pulled out another stick of dynamite light it and handed it to the warden and said you can keep talking about it or you can go fishing.

  18. #888

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    Default 2007 bumper stickers


    1. Bush: End of an Error.


    2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway.

    3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First.


    4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran.

    5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.


    6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President.


    7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant.

    8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

    9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight.

    10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore.

    11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance.

    12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It.

    13. Whose G-d Do You Kill For?

    14. Jail to the Chief.

    15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

    16. Bush: G-d's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap.

    17. Bad President! No Banana.

    18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language.

    19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them.

    20. Is It Vietnam Yet?

    21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either.

    22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

    23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

    24. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too.

    25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46.

    26. Pray For Impeachment.

    27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century.

    28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

    29. One Nation Under Clod.

    30. 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified.

    31. Bush Never Exhaled.

    32. At Least Nixon Resigned.

  19. #889

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    This oughta be fun.
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  20. #890

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    Eh, it's a joke thread, no one can really be that stupid to believe that list....
    There is no genuine justice in any scheme of feeding and coddling the loafer whose only ponderable energies are devoted wholly to reproduction. Nine-tenths of the rights he bellows for are really privileges and he does nothing to deserve them. We not only acquired a vast population of morons, we have inculcated all morons, old or young, with the doctrine that the decent and industrious people of the country are bound to support them for all time.-Menkin

  21. #891

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    Now jd you know Osama will be real proud of that post, they will probably have it up on the Al Jazeera network tomorrow.

    Just fodder for the bastards that will kill him for being a free person to post such.

  22. #892

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    first capital, I don't know who you are nor do I care. If you care what I think, then listen closely. F you this is joke thread not a soapbox for your distorted polical beliefs.
    Last edited by DaveMuell; 09-05-2007 at 10:10 PM.

  23. #893

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    Calm down, fellas. Those jokes have already been posted anyway.
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    Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.


    Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the
    sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You
    better roll him over."


    The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't
    Bubba."


    The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought
    Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

    The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,it
    ain't Bubba."


    The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
    Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two *******s."
    "What? He had two *******s?" asked the mortician.




    "Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's
    Bubba with them two *******s..'"
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    Quote Originally Posted by bobman1235 View Post
    This oughta be fun.
    I resisted LOL!!!:D

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    Red face

    Quick comments.

    I thought some of the bumper sicker ideas were humorous. Hence forth the post. (Thank you for understanding jdhdiggs)

    DaveMuell, sorry if I offended you. (Please see above)

    I voted for W and his dad. See number 23 and I don’t believe I did the wrong thing!!!

    End of soapbox...

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    They are jokes.
    I have read many I don't agree with and just move on because they are jokes.
    I posted some that people would not agree with but they are jokes.
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    My apology too, I shouldn't have been so quick with the f-bomb. Let's move on.

  29. #899

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by first capital View Post
    Quick comments.

    I don’t believe I did the wrong thing!!!

    End of soapbox...


    I adamantly disagree, anyone who makes a post to belittle the President of the United States no matter who is in office in my opinion is doing the wrong thing.

    I respect the president although I don't agree with him on some issues,I never would make such childish remarks to try to be funny.

    My soapbox never ends.

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    Default Bronze Rat

    The Bronze Rat
    A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.
    He took it to the owner and asked, "How much is the bronze rat?"
    "Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollar restocking charge if you bring it back" said the owner.
    The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat, and I won't be bringing it back."
    As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and they began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing. He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and
    saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could.
    Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and they all drowned.
    The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back!"
    "Actually, no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there.

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