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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #901

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    Why do midgets laugh when they run?

    The grass tickles their balls.

  2. #902

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    Default The Mailman's Retirement

    The Mailman's Retirement

    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, but what's the dollar for?

    "Well," she said, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

    He said.

    Screw him, give him a dollar.

    The lady then said, The breakfast was my idea.

    REGARDS SNOW

  3. #903

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    A husband and wife were scheduled to attend a Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
    The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
    His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he
    was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
    "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guy, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening. "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, actually, I gave my costume to your brother, Apparently he had the time of his life".

  4. #904

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    A man started a conversation with an older woman at a bar. She looked alright for being 52 years old.

    After a few drinks she asked him if he ever had the Sportsman's Double: a mother and daughter threesome?

    He replied: "No I haven't...but I'm always willing to try something new!"

    They had a couple more drinks and the woman whispered in his ear that if he wanted to give a Sportman's Double a try, "tonight was his lucky night".

    They finished their drinks quickly and went back to her house. As he was making himself comfortable she turned the hall light on and shouted upstairs ...

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    "Mom!....you awake ?"
    "Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right." - Ricky Gervais

    "For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible." - Stuart Chase

    "Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." - Bernard Berenson

  5. #905

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    Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

    One of them said, "I'm the best Surgeon in Texas. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

    The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.

    "The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President.

    Disclaimer
    * NOT trying to pick a politics fight .. *
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  6. #906
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    Quote Originally Posted by carpenter View Post
    Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

    One of them said, "I'm the best Surgeon in Texas. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

    The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.

    "The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's running for President.

    Disclaimer
    * NOT trying to pick a politics fight .. *
    Nothing wrong with that:D

  7. #907
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    Roger that... :D

  8. #908

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    true story !
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  9. #909

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    A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came
    upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
    Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over
    the menu...

    Broiled Missionary: $10.00
    Roasted Guide: $12.00
    Fried Explorer: $15.00
    Grilled Republican: $500.00
    Baked Democrat: $500.00
    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?'
    The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
    They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."

  10. #910
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    In that case the dems should cost 100 times more than the Repubs.:D

  11. #911
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    I stick up for a local guy named Jesse today.
    Someone said he LIKED **** sandwiches
    I said "That is not true, he is allergic to bread" :p :

  12. #912

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    Dear Abby:

    My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
    beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
    worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

    Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked
    for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
    shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the
    bills.

    Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to
    like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

    Signed: Clueless
    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Dear Clueless:

    Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him
    anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for
    President of the United States. Act like one.

  13. #913
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    Default The Male Stripper

    Ladies Night!!!!


    Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

    When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

    Not to be outdone, another fr iend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, li cks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

    In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third fr iend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $ 50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
    My relief was short-lived.

    Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

    What could I do?

    The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card,
    swiped it down the crack of his butt,Grabbed the eighty bucks,
    and left!!!!

  14. #914
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    Default Another Little Johnny Joke!

    One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.

    He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.

    After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

    Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!'

    Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!'

  15. #915
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    Did you hear about the robot who was caught stealing the electricity? He was guilty as charged.

  16. #916

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    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?


    Nothing, you done told her twice.

  17. #917
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    One fine autumn day, Sam was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about three hundred men walking in single file.

    Intrigued, Sam went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

    “My wife,” the man replied. “I’m sorry,” said Sam. “What happened to her?” “My dog bit her and she died.”

    Sam then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”

    Sam thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?”

    The man sighed. “Get in line.”

  18. #918
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    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes

    from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
    she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in

    the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.

  19. #919

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    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
    He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
    She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
    "OK" the Nun says, "pull into the next alley."
    The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
    "My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"
    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
    The Nun says, "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"
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  20. #920

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    A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

    "Why so little," she asked the owner.

    The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication and then thought that's really not so bad.

    When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

    Moments later, the woman's husband Wayne came home from work.

    The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Wayne".
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  21. #921

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    A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

    "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

    She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

    The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

    "Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."
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  22. #922

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    Default Pink Ping Pong Balls

    There once was a little boy who went and sat on Santa's lap for his yearly visit to tell him what he wanted for Christmas. When asked, the boy simply replied, "I would like one million pink ping pong balls." The Santa giggled a little but said okay. The boy's mom asked what he asked for and he promptly told her that he wanted one million pink ping pong balls. The mother smiled and they went on their way and the boy received a brand new bicycle that Christmas. Each year followed the same routine of the boy asking for one million pink ping pong balls for Christmas, but instead getting whatever the latest and greatest toy was for the year. The boy was graduating high school and his parents told him, "Because you have done so well, we want to get you a brand new car before heading off to college." The boy replied, "Thanks Mom and Dad, but what I really want is a one million pink ping pong balls." The parents shook their head and bought him a new Mustang. The boy goes off to college and got very sick. He was put in the hospital and the doctors only gave him a few days to live so his parents came to be by his side. The dad asked if there was anything he could do to make these last few days any better. The boy replied, "You know dad, all these years I have asked for one million pink ping pong balls, and that is all that would really make me happy right now." Still confused by his son's request, the father set out to round up one million pink ping pong balls. Within about 12 hours the father had completed the task and had them put into a large dump truck for the son to see and do with them what he wanted. The father wheeled the son over to the window and said, "Look out there and tell me what you see." The boy's eyes lit up with excitement. The father turned to his son and said, "I just have to ask you one thing. All these years you have asked for one million pink ping pong balls, what made you want so many of one color?" The boy replied with a big smile on his face, "Well, Dad, I..." And he died.
    I know just enough to be dangerous, but don't tell my wife, she thinks I'm a genius. :D

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  23. #923
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    Talking An Oldie But Goodie.

    DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

    40-ish - 49
    Adventurous - Slept with everyone
    Athletic - No tits
    Average looking - Ugly
    Beautiful - Pathological liar
    Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
    Emotionally secure - On medication
    Feminist - Fat
    Free spirit - Junkie
    Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
    Fun - Annoying
    New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
    Open-minded - Desperate
    Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
    Passionate - Sloppy drunk
    Professional - Bitch
    Voluptuous - Very Fat
    Large frame - Hugely Fat
    Wants Soul mate - Stalker

    WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

    1. Yes = No
    2. No = Yes
    3. Maybe = No
    4. We need = I want
    5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
    6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
    7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
    8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
    9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
    10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

    MEN'S ENGLISH

    1. I am hungry = I am hungry
    2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
    3. I am tired = I am tired
    4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
    5. I love you = let's have sex now
    6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
    7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
    8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
    9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
    10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
    11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

    And finally.....
    A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

  24. #924
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    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

    You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
    THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
    we going to get MORE BUTTER?

    They're going to STICK!
    Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
    to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.


    USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

  25. #925

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    Default

    Bump for this thread, figured everyone could use a laugh!

    My joke? No joke really, I just feel bad for all you people that don't drink. When you wake up in the morning, that's as good as you're gonna feel, all day!
    You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you!

  26. #926

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    Default I am going to burn, and smash all my Polk's!

    http://www.polkaudio.com/forums/show...8&postcount=36

    Shutting down all threads because someone is offended.

    Now thats funny. Not really.


    engtaz

  27. #927
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    Quote Originally Posted by engtaz View Post
    http://www.polkaudio.com/forums/show...8&postcount=36

    Shutting down all threads because someone is offended.

    Now thats funny. Not really.


    engtaz
    It's a joke but it is not funny!

  28. #928

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    I'm lost...what happened...I'm always up for offensive

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    Last edited by McLoki; 12-19-2007 at 09:12 PM.
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    For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
    His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the

    mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother

    just lost her job.


    There's no way we can afford it."


    The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door
    with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
    Little Joe told him;
    "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling
    Mom you were pulling out.
    Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
    And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
    $280,000 mortgage & no bike
    Skynut
    SOPA® Founder
    The system Almost there
    DVD Onkyo DV-SP802
    Sunfire Theater Grand II
    Sherbourn 7/2100
    Panamax 5510 power conditioner (for electronics)
    2 PSAudio UPC-200 power conditioners (for amps)
    Front L/R RT3000p (Bi-Wired)
    Center CS1000p (Bi-Wired) (under the television)
    Center RT2000p's (Bi-Wired) (on each side of the television)
    Sur FX1000
    SVS ultra plus 2

    www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
    Thanks for looking

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