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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #961

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    :D:D:D

    How true, how true, it's all true. I guess gender is in the eye of the beholder.:)

    I call my 'puter a lot of names on a regular basis but none are gender oriented. :p
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  2. #962

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    I stick my finger in the cd-rom.......nevermind.

  3. #963

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    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

    She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

    He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.'

  4. #964

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    Quote Originally Posted by BobMcG View Post
    I call my 'puter a lot of names on a regular basis but none are gender oriented. :p
    I call mine "F.R.E.D" :D
    Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
    group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
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    There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
    -Unknown

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  5. #965

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    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
    "That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
    "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
    "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
    PLEASE NOTE:
    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
    The first floor has wives that love sex.
    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

  6. #966

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    Walmart has everything

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

    He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

    Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

    Thank you for shopping @ Walmart

  7. #967
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    First-year students at Michigan's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class , with a dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

    The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

    The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
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  8. #968

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    Hahaha, that's a great twist on a great joke!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  9. #969

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    Subject: Letter from a Farm Kid



    LETTER FROM A FARM KID



    Dear Ma and Pa,

    I am well. Hope you are.

    Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM, but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

    Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

    Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed
    again.

    It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

    This will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

    Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

    Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

    Your loving daughter,
    Carol
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
    My Saga
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  10. #970

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    A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath; he asked inquisitively"Mom, are these my brains?" She smiled lovingly as she continued to bathe him gently, and said, "No son, .Not yet" !
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    "God grooves with tubes."

  11. #971

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    A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

    The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet; he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

    Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

    As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish; having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but why he
    wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
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    "God grooves with tubes."

  12. #972

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    A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

    'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

    The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

    'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

    As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

    Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'

    The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."
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    "God grooves with tubes."

  13. #973

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    ''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.


    ''I got in a tiff with Riley.''


    ''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''


    ''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''


    ''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''


    ''Aye, that I did. Mrs. Riley's left boob,'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''
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  14. #974

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    There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.

    He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

    "Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

    The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

    "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

    The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

    "How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

    "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

    Admission for the course was thus secured.
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  15. #975

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    ***GROAN****

    Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague
    and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest. However,
    he was drafted into the Army during WWII... and spent
    two years co-piloting B17s, until his aircraft was shot
    down in 1943.... and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje
    spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid
    to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

    After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary
    in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to
    villages across the continent.

    In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe...when an
    explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop
    Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights
    to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft
    collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering
    multiple injuries....including the loss of his right eye. The
    high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a
    life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

    Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of
    God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man.... church leaders
    agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy.

    No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.


    *** END GROAN *** :D
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  16. #976

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    Sorry I have to... :D


    Ghandi was a man of mystery. Since he walked everywhere, his feet were quite rough and calloused. Slight in stature, he took little in the way of food and was considered as a man of vision, almost supernatural in that respect. Setting an example of abstinance, and having a sparce diet, he eschewed modern conveniences such as deodorant and toothpaste.


    So........................

















    I suppose you could sum him up as "Super calloused fragile mystic, hexed with halitosis......."
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  17. #977

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    Oh gosh. Just...oh...my.

    And you picked on ME for MY videos?!?!?!?

    But I do hafta admit...those last two are hilarious!!! :D:D
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
    My Saga
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  18. #978

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    Quote Originally Posted by audiobliss View Post
    Oh gosh. Just...oh...my.

    And you picked on ME for MY videos?!?!?!?

    But I do hafta admit...those last two are hilarious!!! :D:D
    ;) If the shoe fits.... what can I say? :D
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  19. #979

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    On a roll tonight... I just can't stop :D

    ------------------------------

    A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
    decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a
    nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first
    house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

    "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
    much will you charge me?"
    Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

    The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
    would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation > said
    to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around
    the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

    The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
    dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

    Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

    "Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two
    coats."

    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
    her along with a ten dollar tip.

    "And by the way, " the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
    Honoured to be, an original SOPA founding member
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  20. #980

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    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
    problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one
    thing."

    What do they say?" the priest inquired.

    They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

    "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

    "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

    "Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

    "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

    The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

    There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
    the other male parrot and exclaimed,

    "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
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  21. #981

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    A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' the man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

  22. #982
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    "1. We banish anyone who is extremely rude, has anger management issues, uploads fake pictures or is otherwise unfit to date." :D

  23. #983

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    I read this one on another forum I frequent and thought it was worth passing along. :D



    Corn-Fed Venison... A Story for Deer Hunters...

    I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

    The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

    The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

    After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

    I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

    I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

    The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

    That deer EXPLODED.

    The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

    A deer-- no chance.

    That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

    The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

    A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

    I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

    At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

    Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

    I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

    Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

    Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

    It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

    I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

    While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

    Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

    I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

    This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

    I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

    The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

    Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

    Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

    So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  24. #984

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    Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the
    world.

    After her talk she offers a question time.

    One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

    "Kenneth"

    "And what is your question, Kenneth?"

    "I have three questions:

    First - Whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to

    develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

    Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the
    office?

    Third - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the
    White House?"

    Just then the bell rings for recess.

    Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

    When they resume, Hillary says,

    "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

    A different little boy puts his hand up.

    Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

    "Larry."

    "And what is your question, Larry?"

    "I have five questions:

    First - Whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were

    paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as
    President?

    Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the
    office?

    Third - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the
    White House?"

    Fourth- Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

    Fifth - What happened to Kenneth?"

  25. #985
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    George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz

    While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

    "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

    She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

    Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

    "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

    "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

    Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

    "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

    "Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

    "Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."

    Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

  26. #986

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    Two guys are arguing at a bar over who has the ugliest wife.

    The first guy says no way, MY wife is uglier I'll bet you a hundred dollars.
    The second guy says ok.

    They go over to the first guy's house and he calls out his wife, the second guy takes a good look and winces, but he says sorry man my wife is uglier. The first guy refuses to take his word for it and fork over the hundred so they go over to the second guy's house.

    They walk in, all the lights are off, he opens up the door to the basement and turns on the light downstairs. He calls down, hey honey come on up.

    She yells back up... "do you want me to wear the bag"

    He says.. "no, I dont want to bang you, I just want to introduce you to somebody."
    Last edited by CAvolleyballguy; 03-08-2008 at 10:50 PM.
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  27. #987

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    I love these little johny jokes, sure you may have seen a couple of them before.

    Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

    Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

    Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

    Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

    Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

    Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

    Johny on math.

    Little johny comes home from school with an F on his math test.

    His father asks why?

    Little johny said I dont know. She asked me what 4 times 2 was and I said 8.

    His father: Ok, that's right.

    Little Johny: Then she asked me what 2 times 4 was?

    His father: Well whats the f'ing difference..

    Little Johny: That's what I said!

    Johny On God
    Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?"

    His Dad replies, "Johnny, both. God is both."

    Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white?'

    His Dad says, "Both. God is both."

    Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"

    Johny on substitutes
    Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

    She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

    The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

    A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny starts to get rude to the sub calling her the other name. The teacher said she will not tolerate his shinanigans, and tells johny to say her name correctly.

    Johnny thinks hard and then says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

    "That's right!" she coaxed.

    Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
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    Those are funny, until you realize that there are third graders out there that talk like that
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  29. #989

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    Default How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "Hunting Flies."

    "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

    "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

    He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.
    .
    comment comment comment comment. bitchy.
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    A dog is truly a man's best friend.
    If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
    Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
    When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
    There is no genuine justice in any scheme of feeding and coddling the loafer whose only ponderable energies are devoted wholly to reproduction. Nine-tenths of the rights he bellows for are really privileges and he does nothing to deserve them. We not only acquired a vast population of morons, we have inculcated all morons, old or young, with the doctrine that the decent and industrious people of the country are bound to support them for all time.-Menkin

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