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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #1021

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    Seriously, it's two posts up...
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  2. #1022

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    Damn, it got me too slow
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  3. #1023

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    Quote Originally Posted by michael_w View Post
    Deja vu....
    I fixed it ;)
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  4. #1024

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    A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

    After a swig of beer the Marine says, "Well, we had Iwo Jima."

    Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, "We had the Battle of Midway."

    "Not entirely true", responded the Marine. "Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot* killed at the Battle of Midway."

    The sailor responds, "Point taken."

    The Marine then says, "We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!"

    The sailor, nodding agreement, says, "But we had John Paul Jones."

    The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Navy invented sex!"

    The Marine replies, "That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women."


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  5. #1025

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    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
    The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
    apologize.

    "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

    "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin

    But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside.
    She began to massage him. She then asked, "How
    does that feel?"

    He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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  6. #1026

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    In a transatlantic flight, the plane passes into a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning and is detatched.

    One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane and yells, "I'm too young to die! But if I'm going to, I want my last minutes to be memorable! I've had plenty of lovers in my life, but none of them has ever made me feel like a woman! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman?"

    For a moment there is dead silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman. Then a man stands up at the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a real woman," he says, his voice low and husky.

    The man is gorgeous. Tall, well-built, broad shoulders, flowing jet-black hair and soft brown eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he goes, one button at a time. No-one moves. The woman is shaking, breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest and arms as he reaches her. He draws close to her, and as he presses his shirt against her whispers...

    "Iron this."
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  7. #1027

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    An Irish priest is transferred to Texas . Father
    O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas
    mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep
    breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a
    jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called
    the local police station.

    The conversation went like this:

    "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

    "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
    Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
    kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
    smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people
    took care of last rites!"

    There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

    Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also
    obliged to notify the next of kin."

  8. #1028

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    Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
    Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit, smoke a cigar, listen
    to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life.

    One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they
    know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

    She asks, 'What?'

    'SEX!!' he replies.

    Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

    'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

    'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

    Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then, one night, Harold
    didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where
    she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

    Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing Bastard----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

    Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's...'
    Last edited by brettw22; 05-05-2008 at 09:06 PM.
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  9. #1029

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    two pretzels are walking down the street



    one was a salted

  10. #1030

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    man walks on a plane and sits down next to a girl whos reading a book
    "excuse me but do you mind talking with me as i dont like to fly and talking keeps my mind off of flying"
    "ok if you can answer this question...a rabbit,horse and cow all eat grass, yet a rabbit poops lil hard balls, the cow leaves big pie like poops, and the horse big round globs of poop..why is this?
    the man thinks for a bit and says i dont know
    girl replies "well i cant talk to you, cause you dont know ****"

  11. #1031

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    Two friends are walking down the street.
    While they walk they see to women coming toward them

    The first guy looks at his friend and says, "I have to hide, Here comes my wife and the girl i've been sleeping with".

    The second guy looks over and says, Ï was Thinking the same thing".
    Quote Originally Posted by Timothy Smith View Post
    WOW!

    That's like working your way through Katie Perry in order to get to Rosie O'Donnell.

  12. #1032

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    This reminded me of an e-mail my aunt [ a teacher ] sent me supposedly
    of the 25 worst analogies made by high school students in their english
    essays. [ I think they're brilliant :-) ]:

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 .m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

    18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

    19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
    Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.

  13. #1033

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    I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
    The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

    Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.
    Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

  14. #1034

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    A fish ran into a cement wall rubing his nose with his fin he says DAMM.:p
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    A Duck Walks Into A Bar...
    A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
    Barman says: "No."
    Duck says: "Got any bread?"
    Barman says: "No."
    Duck says: "Got any bread?"
    Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
    Duck says: "Got any bread?"
    Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
    Duck says: "Got any bread?"
    Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
    Duck says: "Got any nails?"
    Barman says: "No"
    Duck says: "Got any bread?
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  16. #1036
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    ? Where do nudists get married?

    : In the hot tub of course

  17. #1037

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    An old man lived alone in Chicago. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love,
    Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
    Love,
    Vinnie

    At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love you,
    Vinnie
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  18. #1038
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    Quote Originally Posted by toddco View Post
    A fish ran into a cement wall rubing his nose with his fin he says DAMM.:p
    Cement is a powder, I don't get it. ;)

  19. #1039
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    Wife: Did you sleep with her?

    Husband: I don't know. It was dark and I was laying down.

  20. #1040

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    Quote Originally Posted by candyliquor35m View Post
    Wife: Did you sleep with her?

    Husband: I don't know. It was dark and I was laying down.
    ??? Waiting on some sort of a punch line. ???

    Not sure if the humor is in sleeping with someone other than your wife,

    or, if it is the dark....

    Hell, I don't know...

    Explain this one tweety...

  21. #1041
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaveMuell View Post
    ??? Waiting on some sort of a punch line. ???

    Not sure if the humor is in sleeping with someone other than your wife,

    or, if it is the dark....

    Hell, I don't know...

    Explain this one tweety...
    I made the joke up after hearing the 'it was dark and I was lying down' line in a song, amy winehouse I think. It sounded like another good/bad/funny excuse for cheating spouses to use.

  22. #1042
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    Quote Originally Posted by del44 View Post
    I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
    The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

    Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.
    Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
    Heh heh... That's a great, clean joke.

  23. #1043

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    A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills gran, they were labeled LSD"? granny answers, screw the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

  24. #1044

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    Quote Originally Posted by danger boy View Post
    Whoa, Whoa, WHOA! Wait here just a minute. I think this "joke" is in very poor taste. I'm sorry but AIDS is not funny. Imagine if one of your loved ones were diagnosed with AIDS, how would you feel?
    AIDS is no laughing matter. I would hope that we could have fun and joke about other topics.. but not this one. I'm ashamed someone would stupe this low.

    Joke all you want about Brokeback Mountain, it's just a movie... fiction if you will. But AIDS is not fiction, and it's certainly not funny.

    I hope I"m not the only person who was offended by this "joke".
    I feel like i can speak on this issue! I had a homosexual uncle who died from aids....I loved him very much, but it is what it is.....This joke was not offensive......I thought it was funny.....

  25. #1045

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    It was also posted two years and 750+ posts ago. No need to rehash this one...

  26. #1046

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    What is E.T. short for?
































    His legs are only two inches long.
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  27. #1047

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    A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. 'This is exciting,' thought the gentleman. 'I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps Ill be able to see him in person.'
    Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
    This is fantastic,' thought the gentleman. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he ll ask me for assistance.'
    Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, 'Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters 'u-n-t?''
    Only one word leapt to mind... 'My goodness,' thought the gentleman, 'I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.'
    The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, 'I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'.'
    'Of course,' said the Pope. 'Do you have an eraser?'

  28. #1048
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    Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?

    For a million dollars, yes I would?

    Okay, I'll give you a dollar. Let's go to bed.

    I thought you were going to give me a million dollars?

    That was just to determine what you were. Now that we both know what that is, we're just negotiating the price.

  29. #1049

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    Bill stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an
    eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but
    didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner Fred asked, "What in the world is taking so long?"
    "My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,"
    Jim explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
    His partner Fred exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

  30. #1050
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    Q: If cats could talk, what would they say?

    A: "Meow" :D

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