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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #1051
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    Default Hooked on phonics!

    My five-year old students are learning to read.

    Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

    'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

    I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

    'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'
    And so it does...



    'A f r i c a n Elephant'

    Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

  2. #1052

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    An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

    The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and
    meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband
    could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions
    of the problem.

    "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from
    her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and
    see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
    and so on until you get a response."

    So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner,
    and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

    "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

    So he moves to the other end of the room, about
    30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

    So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
    "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

    On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey,
    what's for supper?". No response.

    So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
    supper?"

    "For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"

  3. #1053

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    Women Speak.....

    1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

    8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying *&%$#! You!

    9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

  4. #1054

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    A riddle...

    last year, Tim was 9 years old. next year, he will be 12... what would the conditions be to make this a true statement?????

    answer below
    V
    V
    V








    Tim's birthday is December 31 and today must be January 1. So last year he was 9, right now he is 10. On December 31 of this year he will be 11 and next year he will be 12...

  5. #1055

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    I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

    Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

    'No,' I replied.

    'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

    So I wrote down:

    I D 1 0 T



    I used to like Eric..........

  6. #1056

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    Are You a Cowboy???

    An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

    She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

    The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

    He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

  7. #1057

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    A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
    The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.

    It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"

    She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"

  8. #1058

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    Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.

    One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"

    "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back

  9. #1059

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    A blonde and a brunette are out speeding along the freeway, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

    "Yes," says the blonde.

    "Are their lights on?"

    The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

  10. #1060

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    Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

    ''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''

    The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

    ''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.

    ''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.''

    After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's wearing contact lenses.''

    This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!''

    ''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?''

  11. #1061

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    Human Resource Lingo

    "COMPETITIVE SALARY"
    We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

    "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
    We have no time to train you.

    "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
    We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

    "MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
    You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

    "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
    Some time each night and some time each weekend.

    "DUTIES WILL VARY"
    Anyone in the office can boss you around.

    "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
    We have no quality control.

    "CAREER-MINDED"
    Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

    "APPLY IN PERSON"
    If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

    "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
    We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

    "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
    You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

    "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
    You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

    "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
    You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

    "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
    Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

  12. #1062

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    John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John ," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

  13. #1063

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    A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let
    you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.You want my advice?. The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

  14. #1064

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    Eight Words With Two Meanings

    1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
    Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
    Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male.... Playing football without a cup.

    3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

    4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
    Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
    Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
    Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

    8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
    Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every five minutes.

  15. #1065

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    Quote Originally Posted by jon s View Post
    A riddle...

    last year, Tim was 9 years old. next year, he will be 12... what would the conditions be to make this a true statement?????

    answer below
    V
    V
    V








    Tim's birthday is December 31 and today must be January 1. So last year he was 9, right now he is 10. On December 31 of this year he will be 11 and next year he will be 12...
    I'm sorry, I know this is the joke thread, but what kind of nonsense is that?!

    If your birthday is June 30th, and today is July 1st, you can say the exact same thing. Last year on June 29th, 2007, you were 9. Then you turned 10 on June 30th, 2007. As of today, you are 11, and next year on June 30th, you will turn 12. The date is completely irrelevant.
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  16. #1066

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    "Take the poison."
    :D:D:D

  17. #1067

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    Quote Originally Posted by bobman1235 View Post
    I'm sorry, I know this is the joke thread, but what kind of nonsense is that?!

    If your birthday is June 30th, and today is July 1st, you can say the exact same thing. Last year on June 29th, 2007, you were 9. Then you turned 10 on June 30th, 2007. As of today, you are 11, and next year on June 30th, you will turn 12. The date is completely irrelevant.
    somehow, the riddle did not come out correct... i know it was a puzzler... i just have to remember how it went...

  18. #1068

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    Nah, it's a little easier to understand your way, I"m just pointing out it can apply to any birthday.l
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  19. #1069

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    Default

    A hillbilly boy marries a hillbilly girl and they go up on the mountain for a honeymoon. A week later the hillbilly boy comes down the mountain alone. He sees his father and the dad asks the boy "where's your new wife". The son answers , "I shot her". The dad is shocked and demands to know why his son shot his new wife on their honeymoon. The boy replies "because she was a virgin". The father thinks for a while and says "son, I see your point. If she's not good enough for her own kin she's not good enough for us either"

  20. #1070

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    Default

    This one cracks me up every time:

    3 men are walking down the street.
    2 walk into a bar, the other one ducks.

  21. #1071

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    3 guys split a hotel room that cost $30. After they go to the room the clerk realizes she's overcharged the men by $5 so she hands the bellboy $5 to take to the men. The bellboy is a bit crooked and decides to only give each of the guys a buck and he keeps $2. He gave each of them a buck which means it cost them $9 bucks a piece for a total of $27. The bellboy has $2 so the guys $27 plus the bellboys $2 make $29. Where's the other buck?
    Hitachi 50" Plasma full HD 1080--Onkyo 805 AVR
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  22. #1072

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    That riddle always takes me a few minutes to wrap my head around :)
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  23. #1073

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    Default Scam warning

    Beware! there is a scam going on in parking lots where two nice looking young females walk up and ask for a ride, of course you say yes and they get in the car. While getting ready to leave one starts taking her cloths off and getting amorous with you while the other steals your wallet. I was robbed July 1, July 3, and July 7. Wallets are on sale at Walmart for $2.99. :D
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    Samsung DVD--Blue Jeans wires

  24. #1074
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    Quote Originally Posted by demaples View Post
    3 guys split a hotel room that cost $30. After they go to the room the clerk realizes she's overcharged the men by $5 so she hands the bellboy $5 to take to the men. The bellboy is a bit crooked and decides to only give each of the guys a buck and he keeps $2. He gave each of them a buck which means it cost them $9 bucks a piece for a total of $27. The bellboy has $2 so the guys $27 plus the bellboys $2 make $29. Where's the other buck?
    Count my fingers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... other hand: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...

    5+6=11

  25. #1075

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    The other day on the way to work I bumped into the car in front of me at a stop light. Out jumped this little dwarf guy all bowed up, looked at his bumper, and ran back to my car with his hands on his hips and shouted,
    I"M NOT HAPPY!!!!
    I said,



    scroll down












    Well then which one are you?:D
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  26. #1076
    stereo_luver
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    Sweet Little Sally


    Sweet little sally was at the playground the other day and mean little Johnny walked up to her and said, "Sally, I have a Barney T-Shirt and you don't". Sweet little Sally went running home crying to her mother. Her mother had a talk with sweet little Sally about what had happened.

    The next day sweet little Sally walks up to mean little Johnny and says, "Johnny, you might have a Barney T-Shirt but I have this Transformers T-Shirt and its better than your T-Shirt". This upset mean little Johnny a tad and he says to sweet little Sally, "I have a tricycle and you don't". Sweet little Sally went running home crying to her mother. Her mother had a talk with sweet little Sally about what had happened.

    The next day sweet little Sally walks up to mean little johnny and says, "You might have that old tricycle but I have this new bicycle and you don't have one". Ok now mean little johnny is really pissed at sweet little Sally. Mean little Johnny pulls down his pants and says pointing at his pecker, "Well, I got one of these and you don't". Sweet little Sally went running home crying to her mother. Her mother had a talk with her about what had happened.

    The next day sweet little Sally walks right up to mean little johnny, lifts her dress and pulls down her panties and says, "Johnny, You might have one of those, but I got one of these, and my mommy says as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those I want".

    The End.



    Chuck
    Last edited by stereo_luver; 07-14-2008 at 03:23 PM.

  27. #1077
    Audiophile
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    Why did the chicken cross the road?
















    To get to the other side! :p

  28. #1078

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    Quote Originally Posted by demaples View Post
    3 guys split a hotel room that cost $30. After they go to the room the clerk realizes she's overcharged the men by $5 so she hands the bellboy $5 to take to the men. The bellboy is a bit crooked and decides to only give each of the guys a buck and he keeps $2. He gave each of them a buck which means it cost them $9 bucks a piece for a total of $27. The bellboy has $2 so the guys $27 plus the bellboys $2 make $29. Where's the other buck?
    cost of room $25. $25+$2(bellhop)=$27. 3 x $9= $27
    The buck stops here?
    "The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." --Thomas Jefferson

  29. #1079

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    Obama

  30. #1080
    webdude
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    good joke

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