THE joke thread

[zingo]

Obama

He he he...

[del44]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The
female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how She would like
the body dressed. She points out that the man does look
good in the black suit he is already wearing. The
widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, & that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the blonde mortician a
blank check & says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband
in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her
delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle
chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says
to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
an excellent job & I' m very grateful. How
much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for
the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about
your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, & he
was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to
his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as
long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads!

[Keiko]

This is hysterical...be very careful around bored husbands, their creative juices start to overflow!!!


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in
and get out. Equally, unfortunately, my wife is like most women ---she loves to
browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Hill,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Hill are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people' s carts
when they weren't looking.


2.July2: Set all the alarm clocks in
House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3.July7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.


4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3
in House wares. Get on it right away'


5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.


6.August 14: Moved the 'CAUTION - WET
FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers
he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
department.


8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'


9.September 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.


10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the
clerk where the antidepressants were.


11. October 3: Darted around the
store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.


12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna Look' by using
different sizes of funnels


13.October 18:He hid in a clothing
rack and when people browsed by, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'


14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


and last, but not least


15.October 23:Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here

[zingo]

Since I am nerdy and figure there are other nerds who would appreciate this:

Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[awe-d-o-file]

Her sons dick tastes funny! Ewwwwwwwwwww

[DaveMuell]

Her sons dick tastes funny! Ewwwwwwwwwww

No way! You didn't just post this. Come on!

[awe-d-o-file]

No way! You didn't just post this. Come on!

I dood it...........I'm a sick pup. Of course for those that didn't know WV=West Virginia

[etwigs34]

Since I am nerdy and figure there are other nerds who would appreciate this:

Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system>activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

FREAKING HILLARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! :p

[candyliquor35m]

I swear this thread was started by polkmaniac :D

There was this beautiful lady named Paddie Whack in london who ran a savings and loan.

Everyone that came into her office asked her what that miniature pink elephant was on her desk. She always replied that she had had it forever and it means a lot to her for sentimental reasons.

One day a bloke named Frog Jagger came to her office to get a loan. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't give him a loan because he wasn't employed and had little or no credit history.

Finally one day her employees got up enough nerve to tell her:

"IT'S A KNICK KNACK PADDIE WHACK GIVE THE FROG A LOAN.
HIS OLE MAN'S A ROLLING STONE"

[mrbigbluelight]

Heard this one on the radio today:

"You have to give Obama credit for one thing: he's the first black man in history to not be punished for beating a white woman".

[candyliquor35m]

1. What does a bird weigh? A: Very little, they are light as a feather and most of their poop ends up on my windshield.

2. Who wears their halloween costume everyday? A: The Pope.

[Early B.]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive - so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...
************************************************** **********************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started.....
************************************************** ******************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

[Early B.]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. I couldn't believe it.... he was a
DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

[audiobliss]

Only a person in North Carolina could think of this.
From the country where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes
this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar
in Kinston , North Carolina . After last call, the officer noticed a man
leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes,
with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity,
in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed
to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a
number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he
started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer
night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times,
honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle
forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for
a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles
left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot,
he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time,
now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly
pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence
that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer
said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This
breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck.
'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

[strider]

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

[candyliquor35m]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Dave

Go away. I don't got no stinkin' sda's for sale.

:D

[Ricardo]

Knock

No comments. This has nothing to do with this thread, and is stupid, and it's not funny.

Have a nice day. I know I am.

[Demiurge]

Some chops I did. The McCain one is a play on the old Clinton one. Obama one is an original.

[candyliquor35m]

How do you keep a polack (pollock) in suspense?

[Keiko]

100Lbs of Dynamite

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a Great Chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,
"What massive Calves you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies: I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!

[Lasareath]

Here's one that my 12 year old cousin told me today.


The redneck goes into the drug store and says to the pharmacist "I need some birth control for my 12 year old daughter"

And the pharmacist says "Is your 12 year old Daughter sexually active?"

And the redneck says "No, she just lays there!"

[demaples]

Dear wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!




Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!'
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on t hem, & amp; amp; ; I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem.

[demaples]

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls
in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

[demaples]

SKINNY DIPPING

An elderly man in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a beautiful large pond at the back of the property next to the road, and he'd fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and he'd planted some nice flowers and fruit trees next to the pond. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over as he hadn't been down there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard splashing and female voices s houting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that 5 young women had parked their car at the side of the road, climbed the fence and were skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went hurriedly splashing to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're naked and we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned and yelled back, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.



'(Old Men Can Still Think Fast!!!)

[AsSiMiLaTeD]

Wow, 3 years and counting...keep 'em coming guys

[candyliquor35m]

Is it in yet. I don't feel anything.
What do you expect for $2

[candyliquor35m]

My wife is a ventriloquist but I'm deaf and only read lips :D

I can't understand a word that dummy says :D

[DaveMuell]

How about you pollute a different thread with your "jokes". Start a funny t-shirt or bumper sicker thread for these?

[del44]

Five surgeons from 5 big cities are discussing who makes the best patients
to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up,
everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas says, "No, I really think librarians are the best,
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...
those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, D.C. shut them all up when he observed
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and
the ass are interchangeable.

[del44]

Bear warning in BC

[IMG][/IMG]