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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #1111

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    Here's an email I got the other day:



    The Moped

    An elderly man on a Moped,
    looking about 100 years old,
    pulls=up next to a doctor at a street light.

    The old man looks over the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

    The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO.
    It cost half a million dollars!"

    "That's a lot of money," says the old man= "Why does it cost so much?"

    "Because this car can do up to 300 miles an hour!" states the doctorproudly.

    The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

    "No problem," replies the doctor.

    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
    Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a prettynice car, all right...
    But I'll stick with my Moped!"

    Just then the light changes,
    so the doctor decides to show
    the old man just what his car can do.
    He floors it and within 30 seconds
    the speedometer reads 160 mph.

    Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to begetting closer!

    He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... WHOOOOSSSHHH!
    Something whips by him going much faster!

    "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor askshimself.

    He presses harder on the accelerator
    and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

    Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

    Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the oldman gaining on him AGAIN!

    Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal andtakes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

    Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
    bearing down on him again !
    The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do !
    Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing therear end.

    The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is stillalive.

    He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Isthere anything I can do for you?"

    The old man whispers,
    "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  2. #1112

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    A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and
    talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water
    allocation.

    The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

    The Water Representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
    Federal Government with me.
    See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on
    any agricultural land.
    No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
    understand?'

    The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

    Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the W ater Rep
    running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step.
    The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools,
    runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

    'Your card! Show him your card!'
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  3. #1113

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    Quote Originally Posted by del44 View Post
    Bear warning in BC

    [IMG][/IMG]
    Hilarious!
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  4. #1114
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    do you smoke after sex?

    I dunno isn't that kind of personal.
    Last edited by candyliquor35m; 08-11-2008 at 01:02 PM.

  5. #1115

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    Things you can say about your motorcycle but not about your girl.


    "It's allright........as long as you don't mind the bugs in your teeth"

    "It takes a few kicks but she eventually gets going"

    "Everytime I park her, she marks the spot"
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  6. #1116
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    SPE: Society for the Prevention of Engineers :D

  7. #1117
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    sir where do you keep the termites?

    my wooden leg is a little too heavy :D

  8. #1118
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    1. How can tell if you're a redneck?

    When you mow your lawn and you have to mow around more than one inoperable vehicle, you are most likely a redneck :D

    2. They're building a interstate that never ends.

    It's official name will be I-360 :D

  9. #1119

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    Default Texas Donkey

    Mike moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for
    $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

    The next day the farmer drove up and said,

    'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.'

    'Well, then, just give me my money back', responded Mike.

    'Can't do that', said the farmer. 'I went and spent it already.'

    'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

    ' What ya gonna do with him?' the farmer asked.

    'I'm going to raffle him off.'

    'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

    'Sure I can', Mike said. 'Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

    A month later, the farmer met up with Mike and asked, 'What

    happened with that dead donkey?'

    'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a
    profit of $898.00.'


    'Didn't anyone complain?' the farmer asked.

    'Just the guy who won', Mike admitted. 'So I gave him his two dollars back.'

    Mike now works for the government.
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
    My Saga
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    [2CH]
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    Yamaha KX-W900U
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    Klipsch RF-35


    [In Storage]
    Yamaha CDR-HD1300
    ASL Wave 20 monoblocks
    Pro-Ject Phono Box MKII


    [Car System]
    Pioneer Premier DEH-P860MP
    Memphis 16-MCA3004
    Boston Acoustic RC520

  10. #1120

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    When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

    Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

    Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

    Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

    George said, Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.

    Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'

    So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said,
    'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'

    George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time.'

    Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

    George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

    When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

    She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!'

    George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.'

    Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

    George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!

  11. #1121
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    George: I have good news and bad news.

    Oprah: What's the good news?

    George: I have alzheimers

    Oprah: What's the bad news?

    George: I can't remember :D

  12. #1122

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    A man met a woman in a bar and they seemed to hit it off pretty well. After a couple of hours of drinking and conversation, he leaned over to her, and said, "You know, I'd like a little p^>>y."


    She said, "Me to, because mine's as big as a hat."

  13. #1123
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    George Burns: On long trips, I wear NASA approved diapers :D

  14. #1124

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    Two best friends were watching a football game and enjoying a few beers. One guy leans over and asks his buddy, "if I had sex with your wife and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?". His buddy thinks for a minute and says "probably not, but it would make us even.

  15. #1125

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    Quote Originally Posted by CTTE View Post
    A man met a woman in a bar and they seemed to hit it off pretty well. After a couple of hours of drinking and conversation, he leaned over to her, and said, "You know, I'd like a little p^>>y."


    She said, "Me to, because mine's as big as a hat."
    That's like one of the jokes Hawkins tells in Predator.

    The other one :

    Hawkins: Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, "Jeez you got a big p***y. Jeez you got a big p***y." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't."
    [Billy stares blankly]
    Hawkins: See, cuz of the echo.
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  16. #1126

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    Quote Originally Posted by candyliquor35m View Post
    George Burns: On long trips, I wear NASA approved diapers :D
    Do you know any jokes that are funny? Or even have punchlines? Or are even jokes? Or even make sense at all?
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  17. #1127

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    This one is from a professional, Elaine Boosler,

    My uncle got a vasectomy and put it on his credit card. When the bill came, he forgot to pay it and a man from the finance company came over to the house and knocked up my aunt!

  18. #1128
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    George Burns: The other day I was driving on the freeway and all the cars passing me on the right side were honking at me and none of the cars passing me on the left side were honking at me. The car was driving fine so I waited till I got home to check my tires and stuff. They all looked good but I noticed someone had put two bumper stickers on my bumper. The one on the right said "Honk if you sleep in the nude". The one on the left said "Honk if you think I'm sexy". :D

  19. #1129

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    Quote Originally Posted by candyliquor35m View Post
    George Burns: The other day I was driving on the freeway and all the cars passing me on the right side were honking at me and none of the cars passing me on the left side were honking at me. The car was driving fine so I waited till I got home to check my tires and stuff. They all looked good but I noticed someone had put two bumper stickers on my bumper. The one on the right said "Honk if you sleep in the nude". The one on the left said "Honk if you think I'm sexy". :D
    I have to agree with bobman1235. Your jokes (if that what you want to call them) are killing me, but not in a good way!

  20. #1130

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    CL besides copying out of a 1st grade joke book..

    Do you really find those posts funny?

    Are you drunk? Stoned?

    Have a great day I know I am................

  21. #1131
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    funny will cost you $$extra$$.

    If you want funny, step up to the microphone and knock yourself out.

    roflol

  22. #1132

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    Quote Originally Posted by candyliquor35m View Post
    funny will cost you $$extra$$.

    If you want funny, step up to the microphone and knock yourself out.

    roflol
    You should seek professional help immediately.
    You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you!

  23. #1133

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
    You should seek professional help immediately.

    Is yuor signature line "You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you! " a CL35 quote? Just wondering?

  24. #1134

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    Let's get back to the jokes.

    This one from Steven Wright:

    I'm a peripheral visionary; I can see into the future, but only off to the side.

  25. #1135
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    Steven Wright: Why are you closed, the sign says "Open 24 Hours". The owner told him "not in a row". :D

  26. #1136
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    SPE: Society for the Prevention of Engineers :D

  27. #1137

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    Quote Originally Posted by candyliquor35m View Post
    SPE: Society for the Prevention of Engineers :D
    Is there something funny about being an Engineer? I don't think you should be taking shots at other people, it is not funny.

  28. #1138

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    Dangit, I don't like posting after some people ^^, but I like this one:

    Steven Wright:
    "You know that feeling when you're leaning back in your chair and you start to fall, but you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."

  29. #1139

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    Quote Originally Posted by CTTE View Post
    Dangit, I don't like posting after some people ^^, but I like this one:

    Steven Wright:
    "You know that feeling when you're leaning back in your chair and you start to fall, but you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
    Then don't.
    Your joke is on par with troll's jokes
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  30. #1140
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    Yogi Berra: The good thing about homeruns is that there's nobody left on base afterwards :D

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