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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #1141

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    Quote Originally Posted by candyliquor35m View Post
    Yogi Berra: The good thing about homeruns is that there's nobody left on base afterwards :D

    Dher...

    Post something funny, that is the only point of the thread. Yogi never iterated anything FUNNY, only every once in a while it was confounding. Give it up Carl, you have NO sense of humor.

  2. #1142

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    Quote Originally Posted by DaveMuell View Post

    Give it up Carl, you have NO sense.
    You used two too many words. Fixed
    "The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage." Thucydides

  3. #1143
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    George Burns: God made the island of cuba nice and long to slow down all those damn hurricanes :D

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    Default black panties

    Adultish in nature.........

    *****************

    Maria had lost her husband almost four years ago.

    Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to

    get back into the world. Finally, Maria said she'd go out,

    but didn't know anyone.

    Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'

    Well, it was an immediate hit.

    They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,

    he asked her to join him for a weekend at Surfers Paradise.

    Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude,

    except for a pair of black, lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

    Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

    She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,

    but down there I am still mourning.'

    He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

    The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties,

    and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

    She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

    He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences!
    .
    comment comment comment comment. bitchy.
    .
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  5. #1145

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    Someone please post some humor.

  6. #1146

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    Quote Originally Posted by DaveMuell View Post
    Someone please post some humor.
    I haven't been able to find this thread for forever.

  7. #1147

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    Quote Originally Posted by average_guy View Post
    I haven't been able to find this thread for forever.
    That's not funny :p.

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    She is so fat her pussy casts a shadow.

  9. #1149

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    What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common????









    They both cum on little white crackers!!!!
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  10. #1150
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    You guys are gonna get this thread locked... so stop it!

  11. #1151

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ron Temple
    That's not funny :p.
    Neither is A/VUSMCSSGT's so called joke. It has no place on this forum.
    "Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right." - Ricky Gervais

    "For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible." - Stuart Chase

    "Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." - Bernard Berenson

  12. #1152

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    I'll throw one out there! Bubba's got a twelve year old, Georgie, who is constantly rushing into the bedroom whenever Bubba's bangin his wife and Bubba's always yelling "Georgie get the hell outa here!" So several nights later Bubba's heading up to bed and he passes Georgie's grandmas room and stops when he hears moaning.He opens the door and Georgie's on top of grandma bangin away, Bubba yells "Georgie what the hell are you doing?" to which Georgie responds "Sucks when its your mom gettin fu$$ed doesn't it!"

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    A couple of West Virginia hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

    The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

    The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
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    A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
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  15. #1155

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    Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing.”
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  16. #1156

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    My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
    "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
    "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
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  17. #1157

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    The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
    As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
    The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
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  18. #1158

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    How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
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  19. #1159

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    Quote Originally Posted by A/VUSMCSSGT View Post
    What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common????









    They both cum on little white crackers!!!!
    Thank you for your service to our country; especially appropriate on Election Day....

    .....now that joke on the other hand....

  20. #1160

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    Q:How many Hillbillies does it take to eat a possum?

    A:Three; two to stop traffic (one in each direction) and one to eat it.

  21. #1161

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    You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

    FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
    PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
    TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
    HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
    SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
    WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
    TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
    HOURGLASS TIMERS: Hourglass timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
    HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
    THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

  22. #1162

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    Why men don't have Groom Showers...

    Guys aren’t capable of having “Groomy Showers” for several reasons.

    Guys are lazy.
    Guys are poor planners.
    Party planning is too much work anyway.
    One favor and centerpiece from the wedding is enough (it’s too much work to make these for another party).
    Guys don’t want to buy gifts.
    Guys don’t want to buy cards (which I’m told is necessary even though you bought a gift).
    Guys don’t know, nor care, that much about each other (nobody will win that “who knows the groom best” contest)
    Buying prizes for contest/quiz winners is way too much work.
    Guys don’t want to play dress up with toilet paper
    Gag gifts from guys would be 10 times worse.
    Guys can only get the pass for one party, and you know we’re saving that for the bachelor party!
    Guys are selfish - A “Groomy Shower” is just for the Groom. A bachelor party is for everyone! *grin*

  23. #1163

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    The Sharing of Marriage…

    An old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

    He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

    He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

    He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

    Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

    As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

    People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

    Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

    Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

    She answered

    (Continue below…)













    THE TEETH

  24. #1164

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    Why it's good to be a man...

    We can pee standing up - Oh yeah! Don’t hate! Appreciate. And thank goodness for this because guys are so messy when we go. Heck with that if I wanna put my bum on that grossness!

    We don’t have to give birth - I admire all women who have to go through this. I personally don’t think I could handle the pain downstairs!

    We can burp or fart in public (and it’s funny!) - If a classy woman were to do it, we’d stereotypically say, “What the heck is wrong with her? How rude!”

    We only have to shave our face - Hallelujah for this one. I’m not very hairy myself and I think shaving my face every few days is a chore! Can’t imagine what it’d be like to have to do that all ova da place. LOL!

    We don’t have to worry about makeup, moisturizers and creams - One stick of deodorant, and I’m out the door. ‘Nuff said

  25. #1165

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    You have two choices in life:

    You can stay single and be miserable,

    or get married and wish you were dead.

    ================================================== =================

    At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

    “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”

    “Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”

    ================================================== =================

    A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

    “Husband Wanted”.

    Next day she received a hundred letters.

    They all said the same thing:

    “You can have mine.”

    ================================================== =================

    When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

    ================================================== =================

    A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

    ================================================== =================

    A little boy asked his father,

    “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

    Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

    ================================================== =================

    A young son asked,

    “Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”

    Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”

    ================================================== =================

    Then there was a woman who said,

    “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married… and by then, it was too late.”

    ================================================== =================

    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

    ================================================== =================

    If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.

    ================================================== =================

    Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

    ================================================== =================

    First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!”

    Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

    ================================================== =================

    A Woman’s Prayer:

    Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death.

    ================================================== =================

    SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST…



    Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

    A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

    After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

    The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!”

  26. #1166
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    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
    She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

    The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.

    She has the Title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 Loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

    The loan officer says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire.'

    'What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

    The blonde replies, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

  27. #1167

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    Quote Originally Posted by zingo View Post
    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.
    She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

    The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.

    She has the Title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 Loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

    The loan officer says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire.'

    'What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

    The blonde replies, 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'
    I got a chuckle from that. People with lots of money do know how to use the banks.

    Bailing out the banks will definitely help the multimillionaires the most, but so will bailing out the auto makers. Of course, bailing out the auto makers also pays back the UAW for favors received, and that joke is on the taxpayers as a whole. ha-ha.

  28. #1168

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    An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday eveningwith a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
    All Seniors Aren't Senile:p
    Please. Please contact me a ben62670 @ yahoo.com. Make sure to include who you are, and you are from Polk so I don't delete your email. Also I am now physically unable to work on any projects. If you need help let these guys know. There are many people who will help if you let them know where you are.
    Thanks
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  29. #1169

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    Quote Originally Posted by ben62670 View Post
    An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday eveningwith a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"
    All Seniors Aren't Senile:p
    Classic

  30. #1170

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    Good advice about gift giving.



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