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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #1351

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    ^^^^^^Ohhhh man......classic LMFAO
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  2. #1352

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    Default Facebook relationship rules......................

    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  3. #1353

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    My Russian bride had picked up the mail and was upset because I got a letter from a girl.

    .
    .
    .

    Ira Rollover.
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    A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

    Nothing was moving.

    Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

    The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"

    "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

    We are going from car to car collecting donations.”


    How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks…


    The man replies, "Roughly a gallon.”
    Here by the sea and sand nothing ever goes as planned.

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    Wink 2 and half for the road

    Heard a variance of this on TV the other day:

    A Neuron walks into a bar and says, "how much for a Mojito ?"
    The bartender replied, "for you, no charge."

    Old TV repairman joke....

    What do you call a nun who likes dressing in men's clothes ?
    A transistor....

    And some may know what type of meat a priest eats....
    But, we won't answer that one to stay clean....
    A wide array of answers on that one...

    Remember the old diceman nursery rhymes ?
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  6. #1356

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    The freaks are already out trick-or-treating..............


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    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  7. #1357

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    Quote Originally Posted by JimKellyfan View Post
    Heard a variance of this on TV the other day:

    A Neuron walks into a bar and says, "how much for a Mojito ?"
    The bartender replied, "for you, no charge."

    Old TV repairman joke....

    What do you call a nun who likes dressing in men's clothes ?
    A transistor....

    And some may know what type of meat a priest eats....
    But, we won't answer that one to stay clean....
    A wide array of answers on that one...

    Remember the old diceman nursery rhymes ?

    Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
    Eating her curds and whey.
    Along came a spider,
    Who sat down beside her
    And said, "Hey, what's in the bowl,xxxxx?"
    Here by the sea and sand nothing ever goes as planned.

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  8. #1358

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    The Diceman-- to funny --

    Mary had a little lamb
    It ran into a pylon
    10,000 volts went up its a$$
    And turned its wool to nylon

    OOOOOHHHHHH!

    Sorry couldn't resist, that guy cracked me up when I was growing up. lol

  9. #1359

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    Default A new slant on healthcare.........

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    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  10. #1360

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    Kids say the darndest things.................................
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    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  11. #1361

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    Old English Joke:

    A young Vicar's assistant noticed that the old Vicar was walking instead of riding his bike as usual, and asked him "What happened to your bicycle?"
    The vicar explained that the bike was stolen.
    "Well,", said the assistant, "Next Sunday, give a sermon about the ten commandments and when you get to THOU SHALL NOT STEAL. we'll look around the congregation to see who looks guilty. Then you will surely get your bike back". The vicar agreed, but the following Sunday the priest stopped the sermon before reaching "Thou Shall not steal!"

    The assistant was puzzled and asked why he had stopped the sermon early. The vicar responded, "Well as I was preaching I came to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and then I remembered where my bike was."
    Last edited by Kenneth Swauger; 11-09-2013 at 04:05 PM.

  12. #1362

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    MY bike was! I knew it, I blew it!

  13. #1363

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    Quote Originally Posted by robinofsherwood View Post
    Old English Joke:

    A young Vicar's assistant noticed that the old Vicar was walking instead of riding his bike as usual, and asked him "What happened to your bicycle?"
    The vicar explained that the bike was stolen.
    "Well,", said the assistant, "Next Sunday, give a sermon about the ten commandments and when you get to THOU SHALL NOT STEAL. we'll look around the congregation to see who looks guilty. Then you will surely get your bike back". The vicar agreed, but the following Sunday the priest stopped the sermon before reaching "Thou Shall not steal!"

    The assistant was puzzled and asked why he had stopped the sermon early. The vicar responded, "Well as I was preaching I came to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and then I remembered where my bike was."
    "Science is suppose to explain observations not dismiss them as impossible" - Norm on AA; 2.3TL's w/sonicaps/mills, polyswitches removed, Lg Solen inductors, RD-0198's, MW's dynamatted, Armaflex speaker gaskets, H-nuts, brass spikes, Cardas CCGR binding posts, upgraded IC Cable, Black Hole Damping Sheets (3" strips) installed on back wall behind MW's & Tweeters, interior of cabinets sealed, AI-1 interface with 1000VA transformer

  14. #1364

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    Some thoughts to ponder............................................ .................................................. ................

    The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
    --------

    I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

    --------

    She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
    --------



    A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
    --------

    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    --------

    A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
    --------

    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
    --------

    Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    --------

    A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
    --------

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    --------

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    _________

    Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
    --------

    I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    --------

    A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ' Keep off the Grass.'
    --------

    The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    --------

    The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    --------

    A backward poet writes inverse.
    --------

    In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
    --------

    When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
    _____

    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
    --------

    A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
    “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
    --------

    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam! "
    --------


    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
    --------

    Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?”
    The first replies, “Yes, I'm positive. "
    --------

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
    --------
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  15. #1365

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    Japanese Sex............................................... ................................................



    A Japanese couple are having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex.

    Husband: Sukitaki.

    Wife replies: Kowanini!

    Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

    Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

    Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina tim kouji!.







    Incredible, and there you sit, reading this stuff as if you understand Japanese!

    I always knew you would read anything on sex.

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  16. #1366

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    Bear interupts photo shoot.............................

    http://www.youtube.com/embed/eryxAcsTcOA?rel=0
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  17. #1367

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    A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.

    'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

    'Why of course!'

    'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

    'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

    After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

    'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

    'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

    'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

    The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  18. #1368

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    I bought a Porsche on ebay without knowing anything about it.

  19. #1369

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    Quote Originally Posted by John Megadeth View Post
    I bought a Porsche on ebay without knowing anything about it.
    Now, THAT is funny!

  20. #1370

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    The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened?" she asks anxiously.


    "What happened, I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home from my fishing trip today. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"


    "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."


    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "I told you there must be a simple explanation ...
    She didn't get your e-mail!"
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  21. #1371

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    The Obamacare Website is now fully functional. Click here then click on "Apply Now!".
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  22. #1372

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    ^^^LOVE it!^^^ Ha! Good stuff, decal!

  23. #1373

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  24. #1374

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    ^^^^^^Name:  funny.gif
Views: 209
Size:  2.2 KB^^^^^^
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  25. #1375

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    Where did you get the computer? They thought I was tech support... Hilarious
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  26. #1376

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    Quote Originally Posted by ken brydson View Post
    Where did you get the computer? They thought I was tech support... Hilarious

    Yes, Love that line also.

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  27. #1377

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    Someone has finally explained the reason baby diapers have
    brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies," while undergarments
    for old people are called "Depends."

    You see, when babies crap their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
    However, when old people crap their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will.


    Glad to get that straightened out for you.
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  28. #1378

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    Can you read this?


    fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
    i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghi t pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  29. #1379

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    SENIORS TEXTING CODES

    ATD At The Doctors

    BFF Best Friend Fell

    BTW Bring The Wheelchair

    BYOT Bring Your Own Teeth

    FWIW Forgot Where I Was

    GGPBL Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low

    GHA Got Heartburn Again

    IMHO Is My Hearing-Aid On

    LMDO Laughing My Dentures Out

    OMMR On My Massage Recliner

    OMSG Oh My! Sorry Gas

    ROFLACGU Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  30. #1380

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    whats the hardest part about eating vegitables...

















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