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Thread: THE joke thread

  1. #1381

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    Any thread by PFB..




    ;-)
    No Way But The Hard Way, So Get Used To It!!!

  2. #1382

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    Quote Originally Posted by Toolfan66 View Post
    Any thread by PFB..




    ;-)
    yes, but do they work with banana plugs?
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  3. #1383

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    Battle of the bands




    Name:  geezers.jpg
Views: 417
Size:  58.0 KB
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  4. #1384

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    A grasshopper walks into the bar and the bartender says - Hey, I have a drink named after you! The grasshopper says to the bartender - You have a drink named Steve????

  5. #1385

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    A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

    The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

    The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

    The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."
    In search of accurate reproduction of music. Real sound is my reference and while perfection may not be attainable? If I chase it, I might just catch excellence.

    The best way to enjoy digital music reproduction is to never listen to good analogue reproduction.

  6. #1386

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    Quote Originally Posted by treitz3 View Post
    A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

    The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

    The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

    The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."
    That was funny!!
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    A man and a woman were going at it on the sofa when the phone rang.
    "Who was that?" the guy asked.
    "My husband," she replied.
    "Damn, I better get going then," the guy said. "Where was he when he phoned?"
    "You can relax," said the woman. "He said he's downtown playing poker...with you."

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    A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, and linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2AM, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."
    The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
    So the priest books them into a restaurant and at 2AM they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."
    And the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

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    In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:
    "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
    Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the fortune tellers lined face, and then at the single flickering candle, and then down at her hands.
    She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.
    She simply had to know...
    She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked..."Will I be acquitted?"

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    Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time.
    The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter."
    Ole replied, "What's the bad news?"
    The surveyors stated, "Well, after our work here, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!"
    Ole looked at Lena and said, "That's the best news I have heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."

  11. #1391

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    "Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music." ~ Ronald Reagan

    "I love songs about horses, railroads, land, Judgment Day, family, hard times, whiskey, courtship, marriage, adultery, separation, murder, war, prison, rambling, damnation, home, salvation, death, pride, humor, piety, rebellion, patriotism, larceny, determination, tragedy, rowdiness, heartbreak and love. And Mother. And God." ~ Johnny Cash

  12. #1392

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    WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?






    A drunk man who smelled of
    beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.


    The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered

    with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his

    newspaper and began reading.






    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"






    The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,

    too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,

    sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."






    The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”, Then returned to his paper.






    The priest, thinking about what he had said,

    nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
    very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

    How long have you had arthritis?"






    The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.

    I was just reading here that the
    Pope does."



    MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
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  13. #1393

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    Tree Hugger

    When you think you're having a bad day ......

    Read this and know that it could have been worse.

    While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
    Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

    "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

    "You've gotta be kiddin' me."

    "No, would you like to give it a try?"

    Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

    With this, the other fella slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

    Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
    "What happened to you?"

    He told the other fella the whole terrible story about how he got there.
    When he finished his story, the other fella shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

    "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...."
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

  14. #1394

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    Not really a joke but "it" happens.....THE DIVORCE


    On
 the first day, he sadly packed his
 belongings into boxes, crates
 and suitcases. 
 
 
 


    On the second day, he had the movers 
come and collect his things. 
 


    On
 the third day, he sat down for the
 last time at their beautiful
 dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on 
 some soft background
 music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of
 caviar, and a bottle
 of spring-water. 
 
 
 


    When he'd finished, he went into each
 and every room and deposited a
 few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into
 the hollow center of the
 curtain rods. He
 then cleaned up the kitchen and 
 left. 
 
 
 


    On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at
 first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to 
 smell. 
 
 
 


    They tried everything; cleaning,
 mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
 Air
 fresheners were hung everywhere.
 Exterminators were brought in to
 set off gas canisters, during which time the
 two had to move out for a
 few days and in the end they even paid to replace
 the expensive wool
 carpeting.

    Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to
 visit.
 Repairmen refused to work in the
 house. The maid quit. 
 
 
 


    Finally, they couldn't take the
 stench any longer and decided they
 had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in
 half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a
 stinky house. 
 
 
 


    Word got out and eventually even the
 local realtors refused to return
 their calls.
 Finally, unable to wait any longer
 for a purchaser, they had to borrow
 a huge sum of money from the bank to
 purchase a new place. 
 
 
 


    Then the ex called the woman and
 asked how things were going. She told
 him the saga of the rotting house. He
 listened politely and said that
 he missed his old home terribly and would be
 willing to reduce his
 divorce settlement in exchange for having the
 house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad
 the smell really was, she agreed
 on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth...but only if he would sign the papers that very
 day.
 He agreed, and within two hours her
 lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. 
 
 
 


    A week later the woman and her
 boyfriend stood smiling as they watched
 the moving company pack everything to
 take to their new home......and
 just to spite the ex-husband, they even took
 the curtain rods.
    In search of accurate reproduction of music. Real sound is my reference and while perfection may not be attainable? If I chase it, I might just catch excellence.

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  15. #1395

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    A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
    The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
    The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man; "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
    The man calmly looked up at her and said: .........."No, she didn't. She just walked in.
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

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    A young boy goes to the lumber yard to get his dad a 2x4, the man at the lumber yard ask the boy how long does your want it? the boy says he doesn't know, so the man tell the boy to ask his dad how long he wants it and he will cut it for him,
    So the boy runs home to ask his dad and when he gets back to the lumber yard the man ask the boy what his dad said? The boy says: Will my dad is building a house so he wants it for a long time!

  17. #1397

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    Quote Originally Posted by voltz View Post
    A young boy goes to the lumber yard to get his dad a 2x4, the man at the lumber yard ask the boy how long does your want it? the boy says he doesn't know, so the man tell the boy to ask his dad how long he wants it and he will cut it for him,
    So the boy runs home to ask his dad and when he gets back to the lumber yard the man ask the boy what his dad said? The boy says: Will my dad is building a house so he wants it for a long time!
    GRooooan
    humpty dumpty was pushed

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    It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

    He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook, and the boy pulled in the fish.

    The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes, pulled in another one.

    This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

    He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

    The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

    "What was that?" the old man asked.

    Again, the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

    "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

    So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

  19. #1399

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    Watched a great doc on nf the other day called"When jews Were Funny", it had a few of the old timers we used to watch on Mike Douglas, Tonight, Ed Sullivan and others, as well as younger folks discussing the progression of jewish humor and comedians.

    Hear the last line as spoken by an older jewish lady, and it would sound as if stated as a question.

    A jewish grandma took her grandson to the beach and sat on the sand as her boy played in the surf, and she fell asleep.

    She wakes to the sound of his screams, looks out to see him struggling far out in the ocean and knew he was real trouble.

    She began to pray, lord i know i have not been the kind of person i should have been, never go to temple, have not been appreciative of your blessings, but if you will help him I will change because he is my world, the only thing i value, care about and i will never complain or stray from your path again if you let him live o lord.

    She opens her eyes and there he stands in front of her, perfectly fine, she looks at the sky and says

    "He had a hat"
    humpty dumpty was pushed

  20. #1400

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    Heres another from that same doc.

    A rabbi and a Cantor, two very important men in the jewish faith, were at a temple speaking to the congregation, when the Rabbi was swept up in the sermon and threw himself down on the floor and proclaims to god and the congregation,O lord im nothing, i realize it, im only useful as a messenger for your word or there would be no reason for me to even exist because im so inconsequential.

    Well the cantor had to match that, so he too goes up in front, throws himself down and proclaims himself just as worthless, and meaningless as the rabbi, with more theatrics and wailing.

    Then a man in the front row with shabby clothes, just a common sermon goer runs up, throws himself down, begins the same proclamations of unworthyness.

    th rabbi looks at the cantor and says,

    Look who thinks hes nothing.
    Last edited by scottyboy76; 05-26-2014 at 11:37 AM.
    humpty dumpty was pushed

  21. #1401

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    A southern woman went into the pharmacy and approached the pharmacist.

    Pharmacist: How may I help you?

    Woman: I need some tampons.

    Pharmacist: OK Ma'am. What is your flow like?

    Woman: Linoleum!



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    A truly touching story....

    I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening.
    There was an instant spark between us and she immediately
    dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
    As we lay making love, I thought :
    "These Taser guns are well worth the money"
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    A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
    "That's a beautiful name," he said."Is it a family name?"
    "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself...It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked.

    “Beertits," he replied.
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  24. #1404

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    Quote Originally Posted by Derm View Post
    A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
    "That's a beautiful name," he said."Is it a family name?"
    "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself...It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked.

    “Beertits," he replied.
    I heard it was B.J. Fishntits !!!!!
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.

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    A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
    So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
    The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
    So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
    One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
    The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
    The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
    ''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
    ''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
    ''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
    The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
    When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
    The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
    The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
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    An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
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  27. #1407

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    Yo momma's so fat she needs cheat codes for Wii Fit.
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    A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
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    Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
    Brunette: "I don’t know."
    Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
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    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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