THE joke thread

[audiobliss]

George exclaimed to his friend, "I just had another bad argument with my wife!"
"Oh, yeah?" the friend said. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," he replied, "she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
His friend looked puzzled. "Really? Now that's a change! What did she say?"
"I think she said something like, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel.'"

[audiobliss]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor circulation, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with getting Osama. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. There are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice.

[audiobliss]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees and the next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Ok, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "the one in the middle." He was surprised that his mother was so easily able to guess the correct woman, "How do you know?!" The mother replies, "I don't like her!"

[audiobliss]

A 16 year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifty dollars."
"Who would sell a car like that for fifty dollars?" they demanded.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifty dollars."
"Oh no!" moaned the mother, "she must be a real weirdo. Who knows what she will do next? Honey, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifty dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He told me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[audiobliss]

A man was walking down the street when he was stopped by a shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No. I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No. I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you crazy?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf!"

[audiobliss]

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[audiobliss]

Ok. Somebody else's turn!

[deceiver]

Two guys are walking their dogs. One has a doberman and the other a chiwouwa. They decide to go to a restaurant but can't because of the dogs. They see a blind person with a seeing eye dog go into the restaurant. The guy with the doberman says, "watch this." He puts on dark glasses and goes into the retaurant. The owner says, "sorry, no dogs allowed." They guy says that he had a seeing eye dog. He's admitted. They other guy thinks, "hey I can do this." He puts on dark glasses and goes into the restaruarant. The owner says, "Sorry, no dogs allowed." The guy says that he has a seeing eye dog. The owner says, "Since when do they issue chiwouwa's as seeing eye dogs?" ...... What, they gave me a chiwouwa!!!!

[Tex]

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Skynut]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite
chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick,
bring me a beer before it starts"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another
beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little
angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before
it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You ba$tard! You
waltz in here, flop your fat a$$ down, don't even say
hello to me and then expect me to run around like your
slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and
wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh sh!t, it started."

[audiobliss]

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responed, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Minnesota and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Minnesota. We settle small disageements like this with the 'Gofer Three Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local coustom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal fushing from his mouth.

The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[BlueMDPicker]

The Texas preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were
a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you
were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fainted.

[BlueMDPicker]

Lena, the church organist at Coon Ridge Lutheran Church, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on Lena one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Lena had flipped or something...!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Lena," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," Lena replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold or flu all winter!"

[Skynut]

The following message contains some new information that was just released to most doctor's offices, health centers and pharmacies. Please copy these early signs of bird flu and share with your friends and family members.
Be pro-active, safe and healthy.
EARLY WARNING SIGNS
The Center for Disease Control has released this list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience the following, seek immediate medical treatment:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to **** on someone's windshield

[karpiel666]

Always make sure your glasses are clean or you wont get clear imaging.

[Skynut]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobies are there? "The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's
breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties,
they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are
like onions."

"Onions?

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and
answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties,
his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and
forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is
like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[Skynut]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...
if I move down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water
and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...
if that fly moves down three inches,
I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...
if that fly moves down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...
and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing
to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought,
"if that fly moves down three inches... and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake,
but I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh...
if that fly moves down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...
and that bear grabs for that fish...
the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought -
as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time -
"Gosh... if that fly moves down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...
and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...
and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich...
then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger.

[Polkapops]

Little red riding hood is skipping down the path when she sees the big bad wolf
crouching behind a bush. She says 'My, what big ears you have' - the wolf jumps
up and runs away. Further up the path she sees him behind a tree. She says
'My what big eyes you have' - the wolf jumps up and runs away. A little further
she sees him crouched behind a big rock. 'My, what......' The wolf snaps back
Knock it off already, can't you see I'm trying to take a ****!!

[karpiel666]

found a great joke website

jokes

[Skynut]

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick addressed the class, "Well, Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus' ,and then we all go to the Bahamas."

[Skynut]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came
upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite
side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both
men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was that heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag,
and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunken murderer.
So I yelled that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean
spirited woman!", and he retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so
does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[Skynut]

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
making
love to a beautiful, young woman!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do
this
to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this
house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen
to what happened" "Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I
will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this
young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and
allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed
and
very dirty. She mentioned that she hadn't eaten for 3 days. With great
compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for
you
last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight;
the
poor thing, practically devours them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was
showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her
clothes
away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you've
had
for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they're too tight on
you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you
don't
wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my
sister
gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I
also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive
boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the

same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . . "The young woman was very
grateful
to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned
around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me: "Sir, do you
have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[Skynut]

My bad, double post.

[michael_w]

Little deja vu there skynut? :p

[Skynut]

How about this?

Why you can't send a woman to the hardware store . . .

Beuford was fixing a door in his house and he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Sally to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Sally saw a beautiful teapot on display in a locked glass display case while she was waiting for Doug, the manager, to finish waiting on another customer.

When Doug was finished, Sally asked "How much is that beautiful teapot?"

Carl replied, "It's genuine silver and it sells for $300!"

"Oh my," Sally exclaimed, "That is a lot of money." Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Beuford had sent her to buy, and Doug went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Doug yelled, "Sally, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Sally shouted back her reply, "No, but I will for the teapot."

[okiepolkie]

Two guys walk into a bar,



















































the third one ducked.

[Joshtalgia]

So a penguin is driving down a road and his car begins to overheat and he pulls over to the side of the road. Luckily for him he can see a auto-repair shop in the distance. He gets out of the car and hikes up to the shop.

He meets the mechanic inside and explains the situation to him. The mechanic tells him that he will go tow in the car and take a look at it and advises the penguin to go take a load off at the convenience store across the road.

The penguin follows the mechanics advice and heads over to the convenience store. He is ecstatic when he discovers that they have icecream there. He orders a large cone with vanilla ice cream. His inability to hold the cone resulted in him requesting the attendant to simplly put the cone on the counter and he would eat it as such.

So the penguin eats the icecream, practically shoving his beek into the cone to get the last bit that he could. At this point there is vanilla icecream all over his face.

It had been about an hours time at this point so he decided to go back next door and see how his car was coming along. When he went over the mechanic was under the car....the penguin asked him how it looked. The mechanic slid out from under the car and looked at the penguin and said "Well, Buddy, looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replies "Oh nono...I just had some icecream at the store across the street."

.................................................. ........................................

So Steve and Jim called out sick from work to get some golfing in on a beautiful day.

They get to the third hole and discovere that there are two ladies playing the hole, taking their sweet time to finish up. Finally Jim asks Steve to go up and ask them if they would be willing to let them play through. Steve agrees and gets on his way up to the ladies.

Steve gets about half way to the women, turns around and comes back.

"What's the deal?" says Jim.

Steve replies "You're not going to believe this man. Those two women....one is my wife and the other is my mistress! I can't go up there...you'll have to do it."

"Hahaha no ****? What are the odds? Alright, I'll head up and ask 'em." Jim says.

So Jim starts to walk up to the women and he, too, gets about halfway to the women, turns around...and comes back to where Steve is.

Jim simply looks at Steve and says "Small world."

[Skynut]

MOTHER SUPERIOR CALLS ALL THE NUNS TOGETHER FOR A
SPECIAL MEETING IN HER OFFICE.

"I MUST TELL YOU ALL SOMETHING. I'VE JUST LEARNED THAT
WE HAVE A CASE OF GONORRHEA IN THE CONVENT."

"PRAISE THE LORD!" SAYS A BLONDE NUN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM.
"I AM..LIKE..Soooooooooo TIRED OF CHARDONNAY!"

[candyliquor35m]

How do you know when your speakers are too big?

"When they hit the ceiling when you stack two of them on top of each other".

[Skynut]

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by
Bill Clinton. One smart-alec student turned in the following book
report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical
stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.