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  1. #1

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    Default Chuck Norris Facts

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    *********
    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
    After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
    ********
    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
    *******
    Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
    ************
    Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
    **********
    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
    *********
    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
    ***********
    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
    **********
    There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
    ********
    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
    ********
    Chuck Norris is considered a country and the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
    **************
    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
    ***************
    When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

  2. #2

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    I actually met Chuck Norris in Long Beach when I was about 18..
    I went to a Tae Kwon Do class, and he was there...appearently good friends with the owner..
    He asked why I was there, and if I thought I was "tough enough" to train with him and the other guy`s..
    Of course I said yes, so after we dressed out he ran me around the mat in circles. "warming up", until I almost passed out..
    Then he just left..!!

    Me on the mat gasping for breath...feeling real stupid..!!

    I quit ..!

    Went into the Army (Rangers) instead..!
    :D

  3. #3

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    You fit into this category, beardog:

    There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

  4. #4

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    lofl!

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    Quote Originally Posted by bobman1235
    I have no facts to back that up, but I never let facts get in the way of my arguments.

  5. #5

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    Chuck Norris. The only man to actually beat Bruce Lee in a ring.
    Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

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  6. #6

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    He's a gooofy actor, but I've heard he's actually a really good martial artist. Like, REALLY good.
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  7. #7

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    Roflmao!!! :d :d
    <|>

  8. #8

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    the JFK one is great!
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  9. #9

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    bobman1235, I believe he was world kick boxing champion 7 years in a row (I also believe it's a record that still stands).

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  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mazeroth
    There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
    ********
    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
    ********
    Chuck Norris is considered a country and the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
    Those are good!


    Quote Originally Posted by Toxis
    Chuck Norris. The only man to actually beat Bruce Lee in a ring.
    Are you serious?! He beat Bruce Lee?!
    Quote Originally Posted by George Grand View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Jstas View Post
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  11. #11

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    Chuck Norris is short.
    I saw him when he visited our ship and he is a short little focker.
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  12. #12

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    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

    Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

    Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

    Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

    When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate itwhole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

    After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

    Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

    Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

    Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

    Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

    One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

    Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

  13. #13

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    we could use mr. norris to police some of these threads. you know, deal out a few roundhouse kicks and what not.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bobman1235
    I have no facts to back that up, but I never let facts get in the way of my arguments.

  14. #14

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    Quote Originally Posted by Toxis
    Chuck Norris. The only man to actually beat Bruce Lee in a ring.
    ^^^Never happened!


    My favorite Norris line was in Invasion USA:

    You walk thru that door and Ill hit you with so many rights youll beg for a left.
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  15. #15

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    I saw Chuck Norris years ago in a gym in Maywood, IL. The guy that owned the place was named Kevin McClinton. He and Chuck were friends, and we got to see them spar about 15 feet in front of us. Cool experience for me, I was only about 12 years old at the time. And by the way he is short, I was only 12 and we were about the same height. :D
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  16. #16

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    As my father-in-law always says: "I like Chuck Norris. He kicks F@&kers.".
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  17. #17

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    Quote Originally Posted by MacLeod
    ^^^Never happened!
    That's what one of the Bruce Lee documentaries stated...
    Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

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  18. #18

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    I'll bet Mantis could whip his ass with the Mantis HASSAN-CHOP!

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  19. #19

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    from Wikipedia

    But another important moment happened in 1964: at a demonstration in Long Beach, Norris met the soon to be famous Bruce Lee, who would ingrain Norris in martial arts history forever with his portrayal as Lee's nemesis in The Way of the Dragon. But while the two were publicly friendly, contrary to what many (including Norris himself) state, they were not close friends. Lee had repeatedly humiliated Norris during a mock sparring session in the hotel hallway at the Long Beach International Karate Championships in 1964. And Norris had offended Lee when he publicly claimed to be a better fighter than Lee. When word got back to Lee, he called Norris and openly challenged him, threatening to drive to his school to fight (Norris was teaching his black belt class at that time). According to eye witnesses, Lee made Norris hold the phone receiver up and shout in front of his black belts, "Bruce Lee is a better fighter than me!" Later, Norris wrote an apologetic letter to Lee; the original letter is currently in the care of Lee's student, Dan Inosanto. Yet despite these conflicts, the two managed to set aside any differences in pursuit of their mutual film aspirations and develop a friendly public persona toward one another.
    If you will it, dude, it is no dream.

  20. #20

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    Mazeroth,

    Thanks for the thanksgiving day present. I can't remember when I laughed that hard and it was the perfect pick-me up from a day with the In-laws.
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  21. #21

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    Quote Originally Posted by opus
    Mazeroth,

    Thanks for the thanksgiving day present. I can't remember when I laughed that hard and it was the perfect pick-me up from a day with the In-laws.

    see there are good reasons to work the holidays ;)
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  22. #22

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    Quote Originally Posted by opus
    Mazeroth,

    Thanks for the thanksgiving day present. I can't remember when I laughed that hard and it was the perfect pick-me up from a day with the In-laws.
    You're welcome :D

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