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  1. #1

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    Default Hurricane Season!

    Louisiana Hurricane Season Notes

    Tomorrow is the start of hurricane season. In the coming months, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
    (1) There is no need to panic.
    (2) We could all be killed.

    Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
    Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

    STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
    STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
    STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

    Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
    items:

    HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

    If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
    (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.

    Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

    So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

    Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

    SHUTTERS:

    Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

    Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
    The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

    Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up.
    The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

    Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

    "Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

    Hurricane Proofing Your Property:

    As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

    EVACUATION ROUTE:

    If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

    HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

    If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

    In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

    23 flashlights
    At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
    Bleach (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
    A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
    A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
    A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
    $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

    Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

    Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!
    Ludicrous gibs!

  2. #2

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    Default

    LOL! Fun reading. They're predicting an active year for hurricanes. Hopefully, they don't make landfall or die out!
    Carl

  3. #3

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    Maybe Carolina will beat Buffalo tonight and it will be Hurricane season:D

    Carl
    Carl

  4. #4

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    Here is my general rule of thumb, and call me heartless if you want.

    If you live in an area that has been hit by a Hurricane in the past year, every year, for the past forever. And you STILL live in that area, then you honestly must want to get hit this year, the next year, and the ones to follow by a Hurricane.

    Why? Because

    1) You KNOW you're going to get one atleast once a year
    2) You still live there...
    3) You obviously dont mind them

    This goes for Tornados, Earthquakes, and any other natural disasters.

    If you get one once a year, every year (or within 2 or 3 years) - then you pretty much are asking for it.

    Last Hurricane that really came through here was in 89. Thats what? 17 years ago! How many Hurricanes went through Flordia and LA last year? ;)

    Have fun this Hurricane season you crazy SOBs!

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vr3MxStyler2k3
    Here is my general rule of thumb, and call me heartless if you want.

    If you live in an area that has been hit by a Hurricane in the past year, every year, for the past forever. And you STILL live in that area, then you honestly must want to get hit this year, the next year, and the ones to follow by a Hurricane.

    Why? Because

    1) You KNOW you're going to get one atleast once a year
    2) You still live there...
    3) You obviously dont mind them

    This goes for Tornados, Earthquakes, and any other natural disasters.

    If you get one once a year, every year (or within 2 or 3 years) - then you pretty much are asking for it.

    Last Hurricane that really came through here was in 89. Thats what? 17 years ago! How many Hurricanes went through Flordia and LA last year? ;)

    Have fun this Hurricane season you crazy SOBs!
    Not counting the last couple of years, the last major hurricane that hit us was nine years ago. When was the last tornado, flood, lightning storm, snow storm, etc. that hit someone else's home of choice?

    You cannot run from nature. She always seems to hunt you down. :)
    Holydoc (Home Theatre Lover)
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  6. #6

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    That's about the stupidest(is that a word) thing i have ever heard..

    In that case, no one would even live in florida.. or in the midwest where tornado alley is.. and no one in California for the floods and fires

    Geez
    MY HT RIG:
    Sherwood p-965
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  7. #7

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    Faster,

    Those all sound like good plans.

    Initiate NOW. ;)

    The midwest is a whole nother apple....

    That boils down to - if something that dosnt grow there...as simple as grass, then it must be a message. ;)

  8. #8

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    My parents are getting out of LA this weekend. They just sold their house and are "moving back to the Republic," to quote my Dad. The "Republic" being Texas. He considers himself a displaced Texan for the last 30 years. Good timing for them, since the town where they lived and I grew up is 60 miles Southwest of New Orleans. They never had any damage in the last 23 years of living there, but Andrew came pretty close.
    "I got into the music business thinking it was really radical, that it wasn't really a business at all, that it was a lot of people being artistic and creative. Not true, and it made me very depressed."

    Thom Yorke of Radiohead

    SOPA. Bow down before me, bitches. Want a cookie?


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