I know my behavior has been spotty this year, but I pray to you for forgiveness. You are the only one that can forgive me most merciful Santa. Your compassionate grace is what made blind men walk again, and those who are deaf so funny sounding. Please most gracious and giant Santa, assist me with thy mace, so that I might smite my enemies and cause them permanent damage around the taint when they are glancing away.
I beseech thee, oh Kringle, you must help me. You are my only hope. Boba Fett is near, and he's as horny as a three dollar bill. In return for your forgiveness, oh Jolly-Nick all I ask for is a new car of some sort. Something sporty, but not too "look at me, I have a small penis". Basically, nothing Jesse would drive.
I have a friend named Dorokusai. His real name is Mark, but some people call him Doro. He's my best friend. I hope I don't have to kill him anytime soon. I have another friend named Troy, but I don't like him that much. In fact, one of these days I'm going to chop his head off with a hoe.
I must go now, Subject of 12 days. Please consider my requests and respond only positively, because everyone knows I am the only one that still believes in you, except that Virginia girl. But that was like a hundred years ago, and she's dead. Just like Dale Earnhardt.
PS, Please pass this to John Ritter when you are finished.