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  1. #1

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    Default 63 ways to piss off a cop.

    Not that any of us needs any additional help, but .... it never hurts to be prepared.


    1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
    2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
    3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
    4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
    5. Ask if you can see his gun.
    6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
    7. Touch him.
    8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
    9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
    10. Refer to him by his first name.
    11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
    12. When he says no, cry.
    13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
    14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
    15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
    16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
    17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
    18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
    19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
    20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
    21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
    22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
    23. Trip and fall into him.
    24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
    25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
    26. Chew on the pen, nervously.
    27. Clean your ear with the pen.
    28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
    29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
    30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
    31. Act like you are retarded.
    32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
    33. Mumble to yourself.
    34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
    35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
    36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
    37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
    38. Ask if he watches Cops.
    39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
    40. Giggle if he did.
    41. Talk to your hand.
    42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
    43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
    44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
    45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
    46. Try to sell him your car.
    47. Ask if you can buy his car.
    48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
    49. Play with the siren.
    50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
    51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner
    52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.
    53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
    54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
    55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
    56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
    57. Turn your head and whistle.
    58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
    59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
    60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
    61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
    62. Tell him you like men in uniform.
    63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

    I'm kind of partial to #25. I've never thought of that.
    MrBigBlueLight
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  2. #2

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    The best one I saw was on the Sarah Silverman Show. A cop is at her window because she is asleep at the wheel as a result of drinking under the influence of Nyquil. He taps on the window, she wakes up and rolls it down.

    Cop:"Miss, do you know why I am standing here?:
    Sarah: "Because you got all C's in high school?"
    :D



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  3. #3

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    both posts too funny. lol.

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  4. #4

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    In response to #25, I always keep a pen attatched to my pinch (ticket) book. I don't touch it. My "Customers" remove the pen, sign and put it back where they found it. If there is a nasty bugar hanging on the pen, the next satisfied "Customer" gets it by default. Best response to all 63 is to ignore, although I have a tough time with that. I usually just repsond, "I hope you like bologna, that's all they serve at county, your celly might hook you up with some bologna too, proboably uncut!" Works every time.

  5. #5

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    This thread smells like bacon. :o















    (kidding)

  6. #6

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    If there is a nasty bugar hanging on the pen
    I'm guessing you got all C's in high school. It's booger.
    Last edited by F1nut; 01-06-2008 at 03:41 PM. Reason: I can't spell either...lol
    'Political Correctness'.........defined

    "A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by F1nut View Post
    I'm quessing you got all C's in high school. It's booger.
    I'm guessing your "g" key is broke? :p

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by F1nut View Post
    I'm quessing you got all C's in high school. It's booger.
    :D Nice...

  9. #9

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    When stopped by cops never say:

    1) Your not gonna look in the trunk are you?
    2) I thought you guys had to be in good physical condition to do this job?
    3) Hey while you where running my name your partner here informed me he's sorry about this and he's tired of riding with your pussy ass.
    4) When he asks if thats a beer your drinking tell him "No I finished this one. Could you hand me another?"

    Should I go on? I know a hundred of these.....

  10. #10

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    Please do....
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  11. #11

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    seconded... please continue!
    My system

    "The world is an ever evolving clusterf*ck." --treitz3

  12. #12

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    Heck yeah, please do.

    I'm tired of using the same old lines.

    :)


    As a side note, do any of you old timers remember the traffic cop on "Laugh In" ? The one they would flash for about 10 seconds; he'd be waving his arms like a madman, waving traffic through a busy intersection, etc.

    That guy was a security officer at one of my jobs. He's retired now.
    Cool dude. He used to pull duty outside the Fox Theater in St. Louis, and got to know a lot of celebs from that detail. Sammy Davis, Jr. got him onto Laugh-In (or at least his traffic waving ).
    MrBigBlueLight
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    Shifting to Plan B

  13. #13

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    Quote Originally Posted by mrbigbluelight View Post



    As a side note, do any of you old timers remember the traffic cop on "Laugh In" ? The one they would flash for about 10 seconds; he'd be waving his arms like a madman, waving traffic through a busy intersection, etc.

    That guy was a security officer at one of my jobs. He's retired now.
    Cool dude. He used to pull duty outside the Fox Theater in St. Louis, and got to know a lot of celebs from that detail. Sammy Davis, Jr. got him onto Laugh-In (or at least his traffic waving ).
    :D:D:D:D
    Last edited by wingnut4772; 01-06-2008 at 11:36 PM.
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    Polk Atrium 7s on the patio just to keep my foot in the door.

  14. #14

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    .......tell him you have a CCW from the State of Florida....while you're not in Florida. I love traveling :D

  15. #15

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    Sorry officer but I dropped my bag of crack and when I bent over to pick it up my gun slipped of my lap and lodged between the floor and my gas pedel causing my to careen out of control

    When he asks "Is that a beer? You point at his shirt and say,"Is that jelly?"

    Officer I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there isn't any traffic on the road. Thats how far ahead of me they are.

    Fill it up. And check the oil while your at it!

    Are you Andy or Barney?
    When the officer says,"Gee son your eyes look red have you been drinking? Don't say,"Gee officer your eyes look glazed have you been eating doughnuts?

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