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  1. #1

    Member Sales Rating: (18)

    Join Date
    Sep 2002

    Default Thursday Read, Funny as hell!!!

    My mom sent me this yesterday and I thought I would share for one hell of a laugh. It's long but the end result is well worth it. I had to pause while reading it to catch my breath, ENJOY!!!

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
    interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary in July and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Pat. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Pat what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my dog Duncan looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Duncan (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. He is such a sweet dog and already addeled enough. But, if I was going to give this thing to my Pat to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
    assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
    major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..
    I'm sitting there alone, Duncan looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .


    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
    over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
    with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
    nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs.

    The dog was making barking sounds I had never heard before, cowering under the grate in the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
    caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.


    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
    was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
    felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
    lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was
    too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint
    smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still
    looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe

    P.S. My Pat loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.
    Money Talks, Mine says Goodbye Rob!!!!
    "My Theater Room"

  2. #2

    Member Sales Rating: (1)

    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Back from Japan in Lake Wylie, SC.


    awesome read. love the dogs thoughts.
    Shoot the jumper.....................BALLIN.............!!!! !

    Home Theater Pics in the Showcase

  3. #3

    Member Sales Rating: (2)

    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Morrisville NC


    Very funny!!!

  4. #4

    Member Sales Rating: (10)

    Join Date
    Jul 2001


    laughed til I cried. Too funny!
    "People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." George Orwell

  5. #5

    Member Sales Rating: (1)

    Join Date
    Apr 2007


    Awesome! Glad I read this before trying a tazer on myself.:)
    Quote Originally Posted by Timothy Smith View Post

    That's like working your way through Katie Perry in order to get to Rosie O'Donnell.

  6. #6

    Member Sales Rating: (5)

    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Ceti Alpha V


    Damn, spilled my beer. That was classic. Many thx.

  7. #7

    Member Sales Rating: (16)

    Join Date
    Jul 2007


    Good one Grim. :D

  8. #8

    Member Sales Rating: (0)

    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Ft. Worth


    Holy cow that was great! I now have half of the associates looking at me with wierd expressions at work... trying to contain laughter is pretty tough.

  9. #9

    Member Sales Rating: (15)

    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Indianapolis, IN


    Very entertaining read. :D

    But being tazered isn't THAT bad. Drunk buddies + tazer = fun times.
    I don't read the newsssspaperssss because dey aaaallllllllll...... have ugly print.

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